if u dont wanna know me like that stop reading right now
tonite im finna type like nobody reads this but me.
ill give u time to exit.
...........
.........
.......
....
..
.
aight.
-----------------------
i skipped a few days w/ my BC this week, so i had to double up today. i'm pinning that as the reason why my hormones are doing sommersaults in my womb right now.
its been hard to concentrate all day. i been talkin to cats i aint never been attracted to like 'hmm... i wonder..'
its bad.
and i likely wont be gettin any for awhile. i guess i could but those lil things ppl call morals or standards or whatever are standin in the way. either that or stubbornness. at any rate
ive discovered that songs that are typically only sensual or erotic when u listen to them are flat out fucking sexy when u listen to them horny. MOTHERfucking sexy, even. not just fucking sexy. on my ipod today (yes! got my ipod workin, hoes!) ive been wearin the ass out of the sexy stuff.
'trust' - meshell ndegeocello damn near any slow joint by the isley brothers 'go' - common <- THIS joint. man. and even 'play' - david banner i mean can we talk about 'play' for a minute please? Cum girl, I'm tryna get your pussy wet Work that clit Cum girl
...
Finger fuck your pussy like you want some, girl
...
Uh, I wanna see your legs shake Take you to the crib, we can fuck til the bed break Uh, fuck you til your pussy ache Think about the type right now, girl, mastur (Uh uh) Beg for a nigga
...
Lemme work ya slow, lemme see it going in Then you pull it out, put your fingers in your mouth
... ...and so forth.
yeah. this works for me. this works for me because i love language i love words which means when it comes to sex, i love dirty ones and to say such words to your lover, u have to be totally comfortable with them completely unafraid uninhibited
emotionally speaking, that's kinda dope
this also works for me because i love *love* being told what to do.
i think i play both the dominant and submissive roles fairly well. but i thought about it today, and i decided that if i absolutely had to choose, HAD to choose--mind u, i prefer an even balance of both--but if i *had* to choose, i'd go for the submissive role. psychologically speaking, this is likely because deep down, i'd rather take a backseat than lead. iont think im the strongest leader in the world. in addition to that, i take orders pretty freakin well. like, at work or when doing and assignment for school, im much more comfortable with a mundane task, somethin clearly cut out. i think that's because it's the surest way to please. if u do exactly what is asked of you, you can't go wrong.
the #1 thing i want to do when shit gets steamy is please. it's cliche, but if he's satisfied, im satisfied off top, by proxy. i dont even have to be touched. im happy.
and like the sexiest thing in the world is knowing that ive made the person i love happy, so im very, very eager to please.
and what's more than that i like being taken care of. it's thrilling and beautiful to me to be completely in somebody's hand, completely under someone else's watch, to have someone you love charged with your care and wellbeing. well.. i suppose this only works if you're absolutely and completely sure (sorry for being too lazy to think of another word for 'completely') that this person is going to take care of you, which i am. or have been in such a situation. but like, with that in mind, being pinned down to a mattress with a stronger person laying over you
or being on your knees before them, one of the most vulnerable positions there are
or having their hands gingerly around your neck
if u can be in those positions and not be afraid.. hell yeah. it's an amazing feeling. a very safe and secure one.
and it's just sexy. *shrug*
so combine the taking orders with the dirty talk, and you've got a fucking party of a song my friend. like
in the bed, on ur back
touch it
a hand strokes ur neck, fingers play about the collar bone
rub it faster
hand moves up ur neck swiftly, fingers tighten at ur jawbone & force ur face gently to the side, exposing ur ear to to the lips whispering to u
put some pressure on it go faster yeah, like that u like that?
u cant answer for the heavy breathing & moans snaking out from between ur lips
i said do u like that? yeah, u like that, huh bitch?
word. im all about some namecallin in the heat of the moment. toldja, im a language whore. and too, it's sort of a shock to hear things like that come out of the mouth of someone who would never in a million years get so harsh with you. its almost like being with a different person alltogether. sexy. and here, part of 'play' that i think is particularly sexy-
cum, girl cum for daddy
!!!!! ...yeah. that works for me too. maybe i have some daddy issues, iono. i dont think so tho. i think its just icing on the submission cake. ..or something.
mmm.. good girl.
that right there.. "good girl." two words that absolutely send shivers throughout every nerve inside my body. this goes right along with the being eager to please thing.. when i hear that, i know ive done what ive been told. well. and when ive done a good job of what ive been told to do, i know my subject is happy and satisfied with me.
and when they happy im happy.
yes lawd.
maybe im corny w/ all this. i mean this is all pretty stereotypical stuff, i suppose. know what else is pretty cliche? music & sex.
but i love that shit too tho.
there are certain songs that trigger the most delicious memories for me. u know that tingly feeling u get in the pit of ur stomach and the sort of flash of a cold sweat that happens when u hear something or think of something that gets ur heart racing? there are songs that i've attached to certain memories that do that for me
'you move me' - cassandra wilson 'take u high' - glen lewis 'in a sentimental mood' - coltrane 'not like crazy' - jill scott
i hear any one of these songs and i remember a bedroom in a building on the coast of myrtle beach, south carolina, darkened mostly, lit only by the blue light on the digital cable box, waves crashing outside, and him laying atop of me, head on my stomach, i believe, just laying there. just laying. i dont think we were naked. just laying. i love the way his skin smells. i dont know if it's a lotion he uses, or just his general scent; whatever it is is enough to make me clench my thighs and check my seat when i stand up.
anyway
we just laid there and i wanted him but i didnt wanna make the first move that night. iono why. i guess cause it was kinda dope just laying so closely together and talking about random things and commenting on the music. the cd i'd made for us was almost over. we were both falling asleep. i'd given up on any action when he kissed my stomach
and then my naval
and it was a GREAT night.
those songs make me relive it every time i hear them.
the room we'd rented for the week had digital cable. there were two 'adult' channels, but they were both locked. the unlock key was a 4 or 5 number combination. we tried all the obvious stuff. didnt work. then i was like hey.. try all zeroes?
bam. it worked.
so we spent the week eating french toast during the day and watching some annoying girl hosting a call-in show masturbate and fake orgasms at night. lol
we also had little fashion shows here and there come night fall; before the trip i ordered some lingerie. i *love* lingerie. it makes me feel really sexy, and truthfully, i dont think i look too bad in it. to get all the way truthful--im real modest and i blush easily, so i rarely talk like this--but for real? i think i got a pretty nice body. with the plunge my self-esteem has taken, it's hard for me to see or remember that recently, but for some reason my head is clear enough and im horny enough to say so. i got some pretty nice digs, considering; ive seen some girls around my age who REALLY arent.. they kinda.. yeah. im lucky. my stomach could stand to flatten out some, but all the women in my family have hourglass figures. i sorta have one too, it's not as discernable b/c im so short, but it's there. at last take, my measurements were 34B-28-39.5. not too bad.
so anyway i bought some lingerie for the trip. i bought a seethru lace bodysuit that my thighs and ass BARELY fit into--we ended up just ripping it off, if i remember correctly; and i bought a sheer bustier, all held together by a silver heart just below my breasts in the center. came with garters and a matching g-string. i had somethin else too but i dont remember what it was.
i looked alright. i fixed my hair up stripper style, lol.. it was kinda like playin dressup.
i want to buy some more. i will soon.
so yeah. those songs remind me of that trip, and that trip reminds me of closeness.
closeness & sex.
sometimes i understand what it's like, why girls sometimes sleep around after being hurt. i think they just want to be held and touched and paid that sort of intimate attention to. ive done it before. not slept around, of course, but inside my relationship; there have been times when i just needed to be close to him, as close as humanly possible. you can get much closer than skin on skin, than man on top of woman or woman on top of man; in that position its easy to lock eyes, to hold hands. and u can't get closer than actually having the person u want that closeness with inside you. it's always the deep thrust that gets me, the thrust and hold, in as deep as possible. that gives me chills because it feels good, and because u want to take him as far inside me as possible; not as far inside my pussy, but as far inside me as possible. inside *me.* into my person and who i am, all that quasi-poetic shit.
sometimes that's all i want. and sometimes that's the easiest way to get it.
i can see girls taking that route to get to the touching, the intimacy the emotion
that's something im not able to do just yet. separate heavy, intimate, loving emotion from sex. i cant sleep around. i cant do one night stands. and that sucks because until i can do that, i cant have that threesome or 4some or visit that sex club like i been wanting to do.
i think im okay with that right now though. the love supplies the passion that makes sex so fulfilling for me. that that's alright.
ive run out of steam. i think this helped. im not quite as horny.
im a little nervous about posting this though, lol im usually not up for showin this side of myself to ppl but u know what
im 23 and i have sex and i think ppl know that and most importantly, only a handful of ppl that i come into semi-regular contact with will potentially read this anyway.
and its not like i'll ever open up like this again to people im not fucking.
first and last time, bitches. this was/is an experiment in how well i can deal with bein put out there like this.
this year was fantastic. house full of people. FULL. let's see:
me my moms granny brother neice uncle ronald uncle ernest aunt denise cousin libra libra's husband darryl cousin shawn shawn's wife rose cousin angelo angelo's wife whose name i cant remember six of their seven girls uncle alan uncle alan's girlfriend whose name i cant remember aunt reda aunt pauline white uncle chuck cousin chris cousin murrel cousin edna
22 people.
it felt soooo so so good to be surrounded with them all man. i loved it. everyone was in good moods and high, pleasant spirits, all glad to see each other. my uncle ronald looked awfully sad all day, though, that kinda made me sad a lil bit; my mama said he was sad because he and his common law live-in wifey are splittin up. she's cheatin on him, the dirty brawd. i feel bad for him, but im not really too phased about them breakin up cause technically, they're distant cousins and it creeps me out.
long story, dont ask, moving on.
my brother has found a new way to annoy me. it's pretty twisted actually, and i cant believe that people let him get away with doing it all. damn. day.--
he's started being nice to me.
wtf? that shit creeps me out. i mean just yesterday, when he, my neice, any myself went shoppin, things were normal. he'd insult me, i'd insult him, he'd insult me again and i'd hit him, etc. good livin, u know. but in the middle of the day yesterday, he hugged me and thanked me for something.
?
then he told some random sales guy what a good sister i've been to him and how he's lucky to have me.
??
then he said he was gonna go to the missing person's station where you go to have people in the mall/store paged and he said he was gonna pay somebody to announce to everyone that he loves his sister very, very much.
*record scratch* aight. i see what's goin on here. he thinks he's slick. kill me with kindness, that's what he's tryin to do. literally. and it's working.
and everybody thought i was crazy! we were in the kitchen earlier today gettin ready to fix our plates (MAN the FOOD!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO) and he starts like, offering to do shit for me--get me somethin to drink, fix my plate.. then he gave me a bear hug and i just couldnt take it. i screamed for my mama.
'MAMAAAAAAAAA!!!'
'what??!'
'tell travis to leave me alone!!'
'what's he doin?'
'he's bein nice to me!!'
'travis, stop being nice to your sister!!'
but did he listen? noooooooooooo. so i decide to fight fire with fire. i smiled at him. said please and thank you, gave him random hugs. i think i mighta even kissed him. then i started sweating and feeling dizzy and i had to quit.
anyway. a recap of the day:
i've still got this little cold or whatever. last night when i finished all the wrapping at around 12:30, 1 this morning, it felt like my sinuses were dancing around a bonfire inside my head. i felt like shit on a stick; i had the worst headache ive had in quite sometime. and i was sooooooo tired. too tired even to go get something for my headache. i figured i could sleep it off, or at the very least sleep hard enough to ignore it. it woke me up at around 7. i got up and took something. bout two hours later, my neices came upstairs and woke me up, all decked out in their new christmas duds. they were so cute.
that's when i noticed something. im changing. growin up and maturing i guess. this is the first christmas that someone had to wake ME up to open presents. im usually the first one up all the time, but it's getting way easier for me to sleep later and later on christmas morning. i guess that makes sense--as far as the gifts and anticipation of christmas, that's for the kids. my jollies come from seeing my family and eating together and all that jazz. i could feel it slipping away a few years ago. now im more for lettin go and lettin the babies have all of that sort of fun.
lettin go. that's my newest project lately. my life for the next few weeks or months or whatever will be an exercise in letting go.
long story. i'll write about it here one day.
so anyway. the girls came and woke me up, then the three of us went downstairs and tried to wake travis up and failed. by the time we gave up, the girls' stepdad had brought the baby over so she could open the presents she had at our place. she was a terror. christmas is always hard for kids at her age (she's two); once their presents are gone, they wanna open everyone else's, and when they can't, they lay on the floor and throw fits about it. and if they're in my house, they get yelled at or spanked for it and then they're just not happy at all. she didn't get a spanking though; once her sisters had finished with their gifts and no one else was opening presents, she was alright.
so travis finally gets up and the girls get to it. they all got pretty much what they wanted, which wasn't a lot; they got only five things a piece from my mama this year; travis got his daughter some extra stuff cause he's her daddy and that's what daddies do (i guess). andrea got art supplies and a bratz game for her gamecube and some other stuff; tiara got mostly clothes. then travis and my mommy and i opened our stuff.
we pretty much racked up. lol
my mother always outdoes herself. im sure she doesn't like, mortgage the house to buy us the things she buys us; she's a smart shopper and never pays full price for anything unless it's a super fabulous deal. but even with that in mind, i still feel really bad when she spends lots of money on things for us. it's kind of hard to explain why. or maybe it's not. i just don't want her breaking her back to buy us big fancy things that we don't need or ask for and can very much do without. but, she does these things because she loves us and she feels like we're worth it and we deserve it. that's what my brother told me today when i was talking to him about it, and he's right. i need to learn to be more receptive. i dont want it to look like im not greatful for her gifts, cause lord knows i am. i just know how tight money is for me, and now that im on my own paying my own way and whatnot, i know how hard it is to make sure you've got money for everything. she's got bills she could have paid with that money, you know? she could have bought something really spectacular for herself, cause she deserves it probably more than we deserve any of the stuff she got us. well that's not true--i dont think we're UNdeserving, cause we ARE good kids; but im sure she needs a pick-me-up more than we do. so when she buys us fabulous things, it's hard for me not to think about it like that, but i'm trying to be better about that. last year she was gonna get me a laptop for christmas, but i raised such a stink about her spending so much money on me, she took it back. lol
i didnt know what she had for me this year, but i knew they she'd bought travis a new computer, and i was mindful of all the help she's been giving me since i moved up to philly, so i wanted to get her something pretty neat for christmas, but i just didn't have the money. i'd bought her Hondo on DVD because she's been bugging everyone to get it for her for five years (this was the first year it's been released on DVD), and i talked to travis about goin half with me on a watch for her (she lost or broke her last one and said she really needed it). so, we got the watch, but while we were out yesterday i saw this personal massager that we saw in another store. she really liked it, and she's got some back and arm problems, so i thought it'd be great to get her. i finally convinced travis to go in on it with me. she loved it. im glad we got her a little somethin extra.
i was especially glad we got it after i saw what she got me.
NIGGA!
video ipod!
!!!!!
but wouldn't you know it. i get an ipod just three days after my effing hard drive crashes and i stand in danger of losing all my music.
*sigh*
the good news about that is that i just happened to have put a lot of the stuff i would have wanted to save on CDs so that i could put it on travis' new computer. so, i have backups for the stuff i may potentially lose. that's excellent--somebody was lookin out for me somewhere.
so after that, my neice, mother and i cleaned up the house, and once the house was clean, she and i commenced phone carolling. we sounded terrible. thankfully most of the ppl we called didnt answer their phones, lol. my granny was at church from like 5 in the mornin til 2 this afternoon. around the time she went to church, my mother began cooking. man o man what a fucking feast. turkey, dressing, green beans, honey glazed ham, four (4) different kinds of potatoes (mashed, au gratain, sweet, and boiled w/ the grean beans), skillet fried corn, bbq pork loin, gravy, hot yeast rolls, broccoli casserole, orange salad, two other desert salads that my granny made, pecan pie, cherry pie, jam cake, pineapple cheesecake
AND ALL OF IT IS GONE.
swear. all of it except the desserts and the broccoli casserole. and the broccoli casserole is only here because i hid it from everybody. travis took a shitload of it home with him and im real mad about that; and towards the end of the night, he brought his friend terrance over to get a plate. terrance was a childhood friend of his who fell upon some hard times and made some bad decisions growing up. he's been clean for awhile now, though, and at present i think he's living in a shelter. so i wasn't too mad about giving him the last of our food. it made me feel pretty good.
travis' hungry ass coulda eased up a little though. hungry ass.
for the rest of the day, family was in and out, eating and drinking, laughing and hugging and dancing and giving gifts and it was so wonderful. i was sad to see the night end.
this is what i needed. i needed my family around me to remind me of home again, to tell me they're still proud of me even after i tell them that ive withdrawn from school, giving me ideas for things to write about, encouraging me. it was awesome. tiara followed me around like a lil shadow all day and i didn't even get irritated. i really enjoyed spending time with her today; somehow i feel like we've grown closer, and im excited about that. i want her to stay close to me as she grows older, somebody to confide in and work through life with and all that stuff. i didnt really have that growing up for lots of reasons, mostly because i was too scared to open up to anyone. but she's been here with me every day since i flew in; she comes over early in the morning, around 7/7:30, and waits for me to wake up and come stumblin down stairs, and then we just play around and talk and stuff. it's awesome. i was so excited and ecstatic that she spent christmas day with us this year. i dont know if ive written much about her mother trying to impose her perfect little family on her children to the extend that her children's REAL family, her blood relatives, are often forced to take a back seat to the family she's married in to; last thanksgiving, her mother essentially lied and manipulated those girls into going to her husband's family with her instead of going to their father's families, like they wanted to. this year tiara told me that she's gonna spend christmas day with us, no matter what her mother says. she stood up for herself and, as she promised, she was here all day. i was proud of her for that. looks like i aint the only one changing.
she said she was gonna come down here tomorrow morning, too, but a little bit after she went home, she called and told me she was going to lexington to spend the week with her stepdad's family instead. i wasnt even mad. see? its not that i dont want her spending time with them. i just want us to have our rightful time with her too. that's it. i hope she has fun.
my daddy was supposed to come see me today. he didn't. oh well. i'll probably see him tomorrow.
slowly but surely, people started filing out. my brother was the last to leave, and i was sad to see him go--he has to work tomorrow, so he had to get back home tonight. oh, my next door neighbor, who i grew up with, brought his baby over to see us. i cannot believe he has a baby. that's absolutely insane. oh, but she's soooooooooooo so pretty. doesn't look a bit like him. i took a picture of her; maybe i'll post it here one day (i probably wont tho).
i got some great gifts. i got that sexy ass ipod, two sweaters, two pairs of tennis shoes a la travis (i needed them SO BAD. it sucks bein too broke to buy shoes), a joggin suit, a sweatsuit, some way too tight jeans that i need to take back (i might keep them anyway tho... holla!) a pretty gold scarf and some body butter from aunt pauline, a pair of fuzzy socks, two pairs of penguin socks, a gift card to target, and some of those old navy pajama bottoms from aunt reda (i love these!! oddly enough, i think i like them because of those wack ass commercials. go fig). i love everything i got.
but i love the people who gave them to me even more.
i wanna see everyone else again before i leave. me and reda are supposed to go to a drag show on wednesday. im excited! lol
ive been thinkin a lot about religion and christmas lately. im not a religious person and i dont hold christmas as a religious holiday. for me, christmas is about family and friends and fun and bonding and thankfulness. but i recognize that lots of people, including lots in my family, use this day to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. ive been thinking about the fact that christmas really has nothing to do with the birth of Christ. it's on the wrong day, a lot of the trappings involved (trees, wreaths, etc) are taken from pagan tradition, etc. but i mean, there are lots of people who dont know that, for whatever reason. i know it was never brought up in church when i was going. i really dont know why that is. but i dont hold it against anyone for not knowing that. i dont snort and turn my nose up at them for it or think their faith weak or anything like that. they're not going 'yeah, i know this is inaccurate but im gonna do it anyway cause i like presents and lights.' i mean, some of them may be saying that, sure. but i'd wager that the number of people thinking that way is way smaller than the people who just go along doing what they've grown up doing as they celebrated the birth of their personal savior. and let's think about that real quick. doesnt celebrating/observing the birth of such a personality make sense? isnt that okay? so okay, it's on the wrong day. but ive seen some of the believers worship and celebrate; ive seen the devotion and the gratitutde and all that, and its been genuine. i dont think that's a bad thing, no matter what day it's bein done on.
when we were decorating the tree, i came across an ornament made of a mirrored disc imprinted with a picture of a baby in a manger above the words "JESUS: GOD'S GREATEST GIFT." i wasn't going to put it on the tree because this day isnt a religious one to me. but then i thought about my granny and my aunts and uncles who truly believe that, as u may have seen on buttons and those tshirts they sell in hair stores, "Jesus is the Reason for the Season."
i took it back out of the box hung it on the edge of a limb directly in the center of the tree for them to see.
merry christmas, yall. happy holidays too. if u're reading this, i probably love you.
my neice came over. she got here early, like 7 am. i was still asleep and didn't get up til like 10. when i woke, i found her in the freezing cold basement looking at corny greeting cards and animations and the like. she's gettin so big man. she's bout tall as me.
anyway.
ive been working trying to load up my brother's new computer with lotsa music and programs and whatnot, so i fooled around with that for a short while. in the middle of doing that, right after i'd showed her the music i put on there, she said 'let's play a game or something!' when she said that, i was whisked back to when she was just an itty bitty lil ol thang, back when her eyes were the biggest things about her. she'd be at our house, all bored with a big sad puppy dog look and she'd say
'tracy, can u play with me?'
i must be a sap or something because just remembering that makes me wanna cry. there's so little of that little girl left. one of the things that i dont think will ever go anywhere though is her adoration of me. when she was in like the second or third grade, she had to write a biography of someone in her family. she wrote about me and won an award for it. today she hugged me and told me she missed me, at random for no reason. i look at her sometimes and i just get mad at the world, because i know what kind of fucked uppedness potentially awaits her. i know that she's not happy because her mother fell victim to lots of those things, and in trying to keep her daughter safe from those things, she's smothering her, stripping her of herself, and making her (my neice) resent her (her mother). i want to fight each and every battle for her. every last one. but i know that i can't. the most i can do is do all i can to help prepare her for them. i was talking to gene about video hoes the other day and i was reminded of just how good i've had it in life. the world just isnt a safe place for girlchildren. i was prepared, even though i didn't know it. whatever my mama did, i hope i have it in me to do the same thing when it counts. im very proud of the person ive become, in spite of this fucking quarter life crisis thing. she done good. i done good too.
AND i didnt have no daddy. in ur face, tierra marie. (my neice asked me to download that song for her. shieeeet.) you know, everybody wanted to be up in arms about fantasia's 'baby mama' song. this 'no daddy' shit is what we REALLY need to be mad about. i can see a bunch of little girls with no fathers listening to this song and learning how to go out and act a royal ass, feeling justified to do so cause they dont got no daddies. fuck that.
and again, i digress.
so anyway, we played outburst jr. i won. we played knowledge jr. she won. we played sorry. she won. we had a knowledge jr. rematch. she won. *blink* another game of sorry. guess who won?
yes. tomorrow is rematch day.
soonly after that, my mama came home. she went straight to the kitchen and started baking cookies and brownies. she made like 12 gallons of tons of confectionary goodies; she does every year for the mechanics she works with at UPS. she's got em all packaged up all nice in big pretty bowls and baskets with candy canes and chocolates wrapped in holiday colors. she saved me about 10 macademia nut cookies. i think those are officially my favorite cookie. ive never been a fan of chocolate chip. i mean, they're okay. but macademia nut kicks all cookie ass.
so while she was baking, my neice and i started playing polar bowler on my brother's new computer, which is set up in the dining room table. it soon became a competition between she and i (she got our competitive gene, unfortunately), and whenever we stepped away from the computer for whatever reason or got too embroiled in accusing the other of cheating, my mama would slip in and take somebody's turn. then we'd jump on her for messing up the game. as all this is happening, my mama's blasting christmas music in the kitchen, im darting back and forth from the living room to the dining room, bowling and putting ornaments on the tree, and my neice is sneaking in the kitchen eating cookie dough and brownie batter.
it was the kind of full housed, chaotic fun that i miss so much being in that apartment all alone up north. im hoping for many more days like this while i'm here. in the midst of all of it, i didn't have time to think about all my problems.
but now im in my room alone. i dont really have much of anything to do. i'd like to just lay back and relax, but my mind won't let me; it's hard to clear it out and just not worry about things.
i just feel so lost. i have no idea what i want or need or what i should do or where im supposed to be or what on earth will become of me. it's just like.. a huge wave of confusion and disorientation that comes and goes. when it comes, it makes it very hard to think or see straight. when it goes, it never stays away long enough.
and i have no solutions. everything i can think of hasn't worked. i feel like im failing at everything i moved for. sometimes i sit and just ask myself, 'why am i here?' not like why am i here on earth, why am i alive, not that. but like.. why did i move? what am i after? what's my purpose? just why the fuck am i here?
and i honestly do not know.
that's what i came here to escape. i think it's working some so far; you can't just drop a habit overnight. and ive definitely made worrying a habit.
when i get back to philly, im gettin on the job grind ASAP. that's my next solution. i need something to get me up and out of my apartment, something to put me in social situations where i dont have to spend money, and most importantly, something to pay my damn bills. my bank account is getting more bulimic every day. i think i might steal dave's idea and try to write some op-ed pieces for some sidecash.
i think i might also steal dave's idea and generate an amazon.com wishlist for everybody in internet land. i cant afford to buy anything for anybody, but i sure as hell can afford to receive some shit.
and speaking of dave, he aint tell u bout all the long, hard hours i spent nursing him back to health, putting my own immune system at risk trying to heal his ails. that's right, i did that. ME! nurse tracy swooped in like an ER extra.
lol
nah, im playin. i mean i did fix em up. so maybe im not playin.
lol
at any rate, writing this didnt produce any of the frustration that i usually feel when i try to write so much as three lines. i hope this is a precedent.
i've been downloading a bunch of music for my brother's new christmas computer. i downloaded lauryn's album and man.. i feel like i struck oil down in my keyboard somewhere. this album is beyond awesome man. if u cld only see how hard i been singin this joint today.. LOUD. all up in the mirror, like i wrote these songs about me. some of them do feel like they're about me.
i been auditionin for 'dreamgirls' up in here today. somebody needs to miseducate her again.
--------
so im at home.
i feel like im in rehab.
so much has been going on that i haven't written about, simply because i dont want to remind myself of it all.
ive been maintaining that everything is all good with me for a long time. mainly cause i dont want nobody fussin over me or makin a charity case of me.
and plus im tired of talkin about it. talk talk talk. blah blah blah. im bout done with that shit.
home feels good though. home is the long, hard, bearhug ive been wanting forever.
im hoping three weeks will be enough this time. i hope everyone will hope along with me.
---------------
do u ever wonder who first said 'if u love something, let it go; if it comes back to you, its yours?'
isn't that partly the dumbest shit ever?
like. the first part of that phrase. 'if u love something, let it go.' ...why? why let go of something you love? for no reason? i mean, there's no reason implied in that statement. just 'if you love it, let it go.' im sorry, but there's no logic there. somebody was just struggling to be deep and poetic. whoever that was: you lose.
but. the second half. the 'if it comes back to you, if yours' part. ive long long claimed to believe in that, beyond belief, even. i do believe that whatever is meant to be in our lives will definitely be. so, if for some dumbass reason you end up just letting go of something you love, or if life decided that it's something you need to do, for whatever reason, and u get it back, i do believe that you're meant to have that thing u love in your life, and vice versa.
that's what ive always heralded as my mantra. (not the first part. the 'what is meant to be will be' part).
it's time i prove to myself that i believe it.
i think i can do it.
here's hopin i can do it.
and here's hoping i can sit and write a real entry again some day.
