my neice came over. she got here early, like 7 am. i was still asleep and didn't get up til like 10. when i woke, i found her in the freezing cold basement looking at corny greeting cards and animations and the like. she's gettin so big man. she's bout tall as me.
anyway.
ive been working trying to load up my brother's new computer with lotsa music and programs and whatnot, so i fooled around with that for a short while. in the middle of doing that, right after i'd showed her the music i put on there, she said 'let's play a game or something!' when she said that, i was whisked back to when she was just an itty bitty lil ol thang, back when her eyes were the biggest things about her. she'd be at our house, all bored with a big sad puppy dog look and she'd say
'tracy, can u play with me?'
i must be a sap or something because just remembering that makes me wanna cry. there's so little of that little girl left. one of the things that i dont think will ever go anywhere though is her adoration of me. when she was in like the second or third grade, she had to write a biography of someone in her family. she wrote about me and won an award for it. today she hugged me and told me she missed me, at random for no reason. i look at her sometimes and i just get mad at the world, because i know what kind of fucked uppedness potentially awaits her. i know that she's not happy because her mother fell victim to lots of those things, and in trying to keep her daughter safe from those things, she's smothering her, stripping her of herself, and making her (my neice) resent her (her mother). i want to fight each and every battle for her. every last one. but i know that i can't. the most i can do is do all i can to help prepare her for them. i was talking to gene about video hoes the other day and i was reminded of just how good i've had it in life. the world just isnt a safe place for girlchildren. i was prepared, even though i didn't know it. whatever my mama did, i hope i have it in me to do the same thing when it counts. im very proud of the person ive become, in spite of this fucking quarter life crisis thing. she done good. i done good too.
AND i didnt have no daddy. in ur face, tierra marie. (my neice asked me to download that song for her. shieeeet.) you know, everybody wanted to be up in arms about fantasia's 'baby mama' song. this 'no daddy' shit is what we REALLY need to be mad about. i can see a bunch of little girls with no fathers listening to this song and learning how to go out and act a royal ass, feeling justified to do so cause they dont got no daddies. fuck that.
and again, i digress.
so anyway, we played outburst jr. i won. we played knowledge jr. she won. we played sorry. she won. we had a knowledge jr. rematch. she won. *blink* another game of sorry. guess who won?
yes. tomorrow is rematch day.
soonly after that, my mama came home. she went straight to the kitchen and started baking cookies and brownies. she made like 12 gallons of tons of confectionary goodies; she does every year for the mechanics she works with at UPS. she's got em all packaged up all nice in big pretty bowls and baskets with candy canes and chocolates wrapped in holiday colors. she saved me about 10 macademia nut cookies. i think those are officially my favorite cookie. ive never been a fan of chocolate chip. i mean, they're okay. but macademia nut kicks all cookie ass.
so while she was baking, my neice and i started playing polar bowler on my brother's new computer, which is set up in the dining room table. it soon became a competition between she and i (she got our competitive gene, unfortunately), and whenever we stepped away from the computer for whatever reason or got too embroiled in accusing the other of cheating, my mama would slip in and take somebody's turn. then we'd jump on her for messing up the game. as all this is happening, my mama's blasting christmas music in the kitchen, im darting back and forth from the living room to the dining room, bowling and putting ornaments on the tree, and my neice is sneaking in the kitchen eating cookie dough and brownie batter.
it was the kind of full housed, chaotic fun that i miss so much being in that apartment all alone up north. im hoping for many more days like this while i'm here. in the midst of all of it, i didn't have time to think about all my problems.
but now im in my room alone. i dont really have much of anything to do. i'd like to just lay back and relax, but my mind won't let me; it's hard to clear it out and just not worry about things.
i just feel so lost. i have no idea what i want or need or what i should do or where im supposed to be or what on earth will become of me. it's just like.. a huge wave of confusion and disorientation that comes and goes. when it comes, it makes it very hard to think or see straight. when it goes, it never stays away long enough.
and i have no solutions. everything i can think of hasn't worked. i feel like im failing at everything i moved for. sometimes i sit and just ask myself, 'why am i here?' not like why am i here on earth, why am i alive, not that. but like.. why did i move? what am i after? what's my purpose? just why the fuck am i here?
and i honestly do not know.
that's what i came here to escape. i think it's working some so far; you can't just drop a habit overnight. and ive definitely made worrying a habit.
when i get back to philly, im gettin on the job grind ASAP. that's my next solution. i need something to get me up and out of my apartment, something to put me in social situations where i dont have to spend money, and most importantly, something to pay my damn bills. my bank account is getting more bulimic every day. i think i might steal dave's idea and try to write some op-ed pieces for some sidecash.
i think i might also steal dave's idea and generate an amazon.com wishlist for everybody in internet land. i cant afford to buy anything for anybody, but i sure as hell can afford to receive some shit.
and speaking of dave, he aint tell u bout all the long, hard hours i spent nursing him back to health, putting my own immune system at risk trying to heal his ails. that's right, i did that. ME! nurse tracy swooped in like an ER extra.
lol
nah, im playin. i mean i did fix em up. so maybe im not playin.
lol
at any rate, writing this didnt produce any of the frustration that i usually feel when i try to write so much as three lines. i hope this is a precedent.
