ya mama got jell-o feet w/ fruit in the toes.

1.29.2006

i had a relapse today.

today i wished i was back at home for a little while.

i still sorta do.

it's lonely in here tonite.


0 comments
|~| trace 1/29/2006 02:35:00 AM

1.26.2006

gene told me to update.

so im updating.

let's see. today is thursday, january 26th. in a matter of days, i will have been back here in philadelphia for three weeks. truth be told, i figured i'd have a job by now. i dont. i have had an interview though. just a phone interview, though. i'll follow up on that tomorrow.

i have been slacking on the searching lately, i'll admit. im gettin back on it tho, promise.

so.
a progress report:

im doing much, much better. im far from the sad ass lil homesick girl i was when i got on the plane to go home for christmas and new yr's. im not homesick anymore. well, at least not right now. im trying to focus all my energy and extra pockets of time that i have to sit and think on making things better for myself and where i am right now. instead of driftin off and wondering what id be doin if i was at home now, im thinkin about takin myself out on a date in a few days, or becoming more social and just talking to ppl more often, by phone or IM or whatever, or job searching, or extra lil ways to make money, or eating better & getting in shape, stuff like that. im tryin to stay focused on what i need to do, and im making headway in some areas. in others, though, not so much.

the first week and a half or so back, i was on my pilates near every day. i havent done it in over a week tho, plus i never even got around to startin my cardio. how wack is that.

still tho, im not eating out as much, and i am feeling more energized here lately. plus i put on a pair of booty jeans the other day, and they fit a little looser than they usually do. so, small victories there, i guess. tomorrow mornin im gettin out the ab wheel and the pilates dvd and gettin back on my shit. im also gonna do what i been sayin ima do and take a picture of myself in my bathing suit every day for the next few months so i can get a visual representation of any progress i make. plus lookin at me in a bikini every day will more than likely motivate me to stay on my workout grind. lol

umm.. what else

i feel like

i dunno.

like im growing some?
not really growing.

im lettin down some guards. im settling into situations. im letting go of things.

im being very cryptic.

but i dont really feel like goin into too much detail. plus i dont even think i really have the words to do so. it's just like

i dunno.
im relaxing. im chilling out some. im tryin to learn how to welcome ppl a little closer into my inner circle. not all the way, but at least a little more. ive been leading such a guarded life, man. i keep people out. i keep people out and i cling like hell to the ones who have made their way in. ive been thinking about it lately and i need to branch out. i mean, im 23. im not married. im not close to married. like... i dunno. im tiptoeing towards stuff iont feel like gettin into

but

with little things in my life, like that freak nasty blog entry i posted awhile ago. i didnt think i'd be able to leave it up. it probably seems like it was nothing, but for me, that's a huge thing. something so personal as sex--me being so close-lipped about it is partly just because i dont be flauntin and flossin like that, but also because that's some personal shit in a personal sphere that i never let anybody in to. im noticing that im relaxing there a little. and im not even talkin about sex there, but just in general.

this isnt comin out the way it sounds in my head

so long story short, ive noticed my guard coming down a bit more. that feels good.

plus i feel soooooo much better about myself lately, man. THAT shit. that feels better than any words can say. to icing the cake a lil bit, i washed my hair today. only took 5 hrs. of course i took my ritual i-just-washed-my-hair-so-im-not-afraid-of-cameras-anymore pictures. i posted two of them at myspace (bottom two pics). im also not naked in the pic just before those two.. lol

so yeah. another victory.

and im especially proud of the strides ive made on my promise to myself to let go of things that need to be letting go of. i grow more and more accepting of the way things are everyday. it's sad sometimes; sometimes i feel myself backsliding and feeling some of the old feelings. but im doing a good job of beating them back and doing what i need to do not to slide too far.

cryptic again. im sorry.
if u think u may know what im talking about tho, u probably do.

another point on the victory list.

so yeah, minus not having a job and not exercising like i should be, im doing very well and im very happy these days. i smile a lot more. :o)

i tell ya what, tho, im hormonal than a motherfucker.
but gene so no more sex talk, too.

so i guess im done.
peace!


0 comments
|~| trace 1/26/2006 09:35:00 PM

1.06.2006

vacation's bout over.

it's friday evening. i fly back to philly sunday morning.

i wont lie, im probably gonna cry when i have to go back. 95% of me doesnt want to leave this seat of familiarity and security and head back to my little ass apartment which has become the seat of so much loss, stress, and disappointment. i feel like ive been pretty much failing at things since i moved up there. part of me is afraid to go back and give it another go, cause iont wanna have to cycle through those feelings and experiences again.

but im gonna go
and im gonna try harder to do the things i know i need and want to do.

my mama and i went to the movies to day. on the way back, she said to me, sounding kinda sad

'it's been good havin u home, trace.'

im already sad about leaving. i think i felt my eyes filling then.

'its been nice to be back home,' i told her. 'i dont wanna leave, but i will, and im gonna try harder this time.'

'try harder at what?'

'at not hating it up there.'

she sounded sadder.
'you hate it up there?'

'no, i dont hate it.. it's just lonely sometimes. its really hard bein all alone so far from home. i feel like ive been failing at everything ive set out to do.'

'we all have to fail at things sometimes, honey, that's life.'

'yeah, but i took such a big step with this move... i dont wanna fail now, not at this. i dont wanna fall on my face in front of everybody. i'll feel really unaccomplished, weak, and disappointed in myself if i have to come back home in august.'

'you have to stop being so hard on yourself, tracy.'

'i dont know how.'

i really dont know how.

everytime we talk about it, she always says just 8 months, just hang on til august and then i can come home (august is when my lease is up). but that's not really what i want. i mean, i dont want to stay there feeling the way i do, but instead of just hanging on til its time to come home, i wanna improve so i dont have to come home in august.

i feel bad for feeling that way b/c she really wants me back home. i feel selfish for wanting to try and stay on.

i dunno.

i just know that im gonna try and start over as much as i possibly can; i wanna leave as much of 2005 behind as i possibly can.

wish me luck.


0 comments
|~| trace 1/06/2006 04:17:00 PM

1.01.2006

this year.

i will follow through

i will try harder

i will do better

i will start trying to change for myself rather than for other people

i will depend more on me

i will believe more in me

i will trust more

but i still wont be nobody's fool

i will learn to let things go

i will learn to let things go

i will learn to let things go.

i will adapt and excel or i will go home until im really ready for this. so sincere.

tracy lynne: a bag lady no more for 2006.

happy new year.
:o)


0 comments
|~| trace 1/01/2006 09:23:00 PM
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