let's see. today is thursday, january 26th. in a matter of days, i will have been back here in philadelphia for three weeks. truth be told, i figured i'd have a job by now. i dont. i have had an interview though. just a phone interview, though. i'll follow up on that tomorrow.
i have been slacking on the searching lately, i'll admit. im gettin back on it tho, promise.
so. a progress report:
im doing much, much better. im far from the sad ass lil homesick girl i was when i got on the plane to go home for christmas and new yr's. im not homesick anymore. well, at least not right now. im trying to focus all my energy and extra pockets of time that i have to sit and think on making things better for myself and where i am right now. instead of driftin off and wondering what id be doin if i was at home now, im thinkin about takin myself out on a date in a few days, or becoming more social and just talking to ppl more often, by phone or IM or whatever, or job searching, or extra lil ways to make money, or eating better & getting in shape, stuff like that. im tryin to stay focused on what i need to do, and im making headway in some areas. in others, though, not so much.
the first week and a half or so back, i was on my pilates near every day. i havent done it in over a week tho, plus i never even got around to startin my cardio. how wack is that.
still tho, im not eating out as much, and i am feeling more energized here lately. plus i put on a pair of booty jeans the other day, and they fit a little looser than they usually do. so, small victories there, i guess. tomorrow mornin im gettin out the ab wheel and the pilates dvd and gettin back on my shit. im also gonna do what i been sayin ima do and take a picture of myself in my bathing suit every day for the next few months so i can get a visual representation of any progress i make. plus lookin at me in a bikini every day will more than likely motivate me to stay on my workout grind. lol
umm.. what else
i feel like
i dunno.
like im growing some? not really growing.
im lettin down some guards. im settling into situations. im letting go of things.
im being very cryptic.
but i dont really feel like goin into too much detail. plus i dont even think i really have the words to do so. it's just like
i dunno. im relaxing. im chilling out some. im tryin to learn how to welcome ppl a little closer into my inner circle. not all the way, but at least a little more. ive been leading such a guarded life, man. i keep people out. i keep people out and i cling like hell to the ones who have made their way in. ive been thinking about it lately and i need to branch out. i mean, im 23. im not married. im not close to married. like... i dunno. im tiptoeing towards stuff iont feel like gettin into
but
with little things in my life, like that freak nasty blog entry i posted awhile ago. i didnt think i'd be able to leave it up. it probably seems like it was nothing, but for me, that's a huge thing. something so personal as sex--me being so close-lipped about it is partly just because i dont be flauntin and flossin like that, but also because that's some personal shit in a personal sphere that i never let anybody in to. im noticing that im relaxing there a little. and im not even talkin about sex there, but just in general.
this isnt comin out the way it sounds in my head
so long story short, ive noticed my guard coming down a bit more. that feels good.
plus i feel soooooo much better about myself lately, man. THAT shit. that feels better than any words can say. to icing the cake a lil bit, i washed my hair today. only took 5 hrs. of course i took my ritual i-just-washed-my-hair-so-im-not-afraid-of-cameras-anymore pictures. i posted two of them at myspace (bottom two pics). im also not naked in the pic just before those two.. lol
so yeah. another victory.
and im especially proud of the strides ive made on my promise to myself to let go of things that need to be letting go of. i grow more and more accepting of the way things are everyday. it's sad sometimes; sometimes i feel myself backsliding and feeling some of the old feelings. but im doing a good job of beating them back and doing what i need to do not to slide too far.
cryptic again. im sorry. if u think u may know what im talking about tho, u probably do.
another point on the victory list.
so yeah, minus not having a job and not exercising like i should be, im doing very well and im very happy these days. i smile a lot more. :o)
i tell ya what, tho, im hormonal than a motherfucker. but gene so no more sex talk, too.
