ya mama got jell-o feet w/ fruit in the toes.

vacation's bout over.

it's friday evening. i fly back to philly sunday morning.

i wont lie, im probably gonna cry when i have to go back. 95% of me doesnt want to leave this seat of familiarity and security and head back to my little ass apartment which has become the seat of so much loss, stress, and disappointment. i feel like ive been pretty much failing at things since i moved up there. part of me is afraid to go back and give it another go, cause iont wanna have to cycle through those feelings and experiences again.

but im gonna go
and im gonna try harder to do the things i know i need and want to do.

my mama and i went to the movies to day. on the way back, she said to me, sounding kinda sad

'it's been good havin u home, trace.'

im already sad about leaving. i think i felt my eyes filling then.

'its been nice to be back home,' i told her. 'i dont wanna leave, but i will, and im gonna try harder this time.'

'try harder at what?'

'at not hating it up there.'

she sounded sadder.
'you hate it up there?'

'no, i dont hate it.. it's just lonely sometimes. its really hard bein all alone so far from home. i feel like ive been failing at everything ive set out to do.'

'we all have to fail at things sometimes, honey, that's life.'

'yeah, but i took such a big step with this move... i dont wanna fail now, not at this. i dont wanna fall on my face in front of everybody. i'll feel really unaccomplished, weak, and disappointed in myself if i have to come back home in august.'

'you have to stop being so hard on yourself, tracy.'

'i dont know how.'

i really dont know how.

everytime we talk about it, she always says just 8 months, just hang on til august and then i can come home (august is when my lease is up). but that's not really what i want. i mean, i dont want to stay there feeling the way i do, but instead of just hanging on til its time to come home, i wanna improve so i dont have to come home in august.

i feel bad for feeling that way b/c she really wants me back home. i feel selfish for wanting to try and stay on.

i dunno.

i just know that im gonna try and start over as much as i possibly can; i wanna leave as much of 2005 behind as i possibly can.

wish me luck.

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