i had sort of a revelation the other day. like yesterday. no, the day before. and it wasnt so much a revelation as it was just me finally admitting some things that ive been trying to ignore in hopes that they'd just go away if i did so successfully.
im a chronic optimist. to a fault sometimes, ive discovered. there's nothing wrong with being hopeful. and its far better to be optimistic than it is to be pessimistic; i gather that's something we can all agree on, no? my problem is that ive only been thinking about it all in those two terms. optimism vs. pessimism. i forgot all about realism.
when i came here my intent was to flourish. there's no reason why i shldnt. get here, get settled, get a job, get on with life. the truth of the matter is that it hasnt gone that way, and i never wanted to consider just plum not liking it here because in my head, such a recognition wld be an immediate admittance of defeat. so ive ignored the very possibility, though its always been a very real one. that was very unrealistic of me. ive been carryin around this bubblegum postcard of what life was/is supposed to be like here & stressin myself out tryin to get there ASAP. but its so totally completely possible that everything just aint for everybody. right?
i dont like living here. philly's a nice place to visit but... it just aint for me.
and ive been stalling in admitting that b/c ive been afraid to do it. i think ive always known, but i just kept the postcard in front of the big ol picture of truth hangin up on the wall (<-- that statement is very robert colbertish, no? "open up, baby bird, cause mama's got a big fat nightcrawler of truth!" eh, it's only funny if u watch the show).
'i just need to get outta school.' i did that. didnt get better. maybe even got worser. 'i just need to go home for awhile.' did that. didnt get better. 'i just need to get a job.' just did that. no change as of yet. to be honest im not predicting a big one. im hoping for one, no doubt, but iono.
now im tellin myself 'it'll get WAY better when the weather warms up.'
my thing is i cant afford to sit here another yr bein unhappy with my surroundings goin 'maybe if i/i just need to/it'll get better,' yknow? and im not admittin defeat here. im just bein realistic. things may not get better, and if they dont by august.. im outtie.
but again, we'll see.
my goal now is just to relax some, with that in mind. ive been so up tight, trying to force so many things, breakin my back, even though i dont have much to show for it. and it sucks. im ready to just throw my hands up and say fuck it, all of it. all of it, every piece. throw it all out the window--all the quotas, all the standards and prereqs, all the '______ is supposed to be this way,' all that. screw it. no more boxes and lables, just live and collect boxes for packing up for home as u go, yknow? im tired. im really tired.
sometimes i feel like im the only one in my corner. the only active one, anyway. and i been tryin really hard to hold on to some things, and even harder to repair them, and in spite of all that, i feel them slipping away anyway. it sucks. but im gettin a lot closer to just bein like *shrug* oh well, i did what i can do.
maybe that's a little defeatist. or is it just realism?
iono. things are just changin. things and places and people and me. that's how life is tho! im not feelin too bad abt it. just gotta roll wit it. its been brought to my attn that i be sad all the time. i was in denial abt it, but i think maybe i am downish more than i shld be. we gotta get sunshiney tracy back somehows. maybe not carin is the answer for now. or relaxing or whatever.
anyway. that was my introspective moment for the evening. on with the updates.
the job.
the job is a trip, man. i cant remember how much detail ive given on it here, so here's a quick rundown. claims adjuster for an insurance company. no experience necessary, just be good with a computer. which i am. so i get the gig. paid training provided. sweet, im set.
recall, the guy i tested with and am currently being irritated by, franklin, also got the job. he and i are the only ones with no insurance background whatsoever. everybody else in the class--some 15 other pople--have all been working for the company for at *least*6 years a piece. so, the class, naturally, is designed to teach and train people with an insurance background. see what im gettin at here?
we're not being taught the basics, at all. it's basically up to us to fumble through all the old outdated confusing manuals to find out exactly what an ECRP claim is and what ECRP is and what a fricken claim is WHILE we're being taught how to adjudicated. simultaneously. quite literally. and on top of that, we're BARELY getting taught how do adjust a claim. we've had three weeks of 'training.' last friday was supposed to be our last day of training; today should have been our first day out on the floor at our new desks, actually doing work. but, they had to extend the training for a week because like, i'd say that out of the three weeks (15 days) that we've been in that training room, we've only had 3-4 days of actual training. this is because some days, the trainer just doesn't show up. this is also because sometimes they'll completely disrupt the curriculum to have our class do some menial busy work, cleaning up other ppl's messes so that they can get some of their backlogged work out of the way. and this is all because the company is sooooo far in the hole due to an error that occurred while switchin from one system to another or somethin like that. an illustration of how bad off they are.
it's supposed to take 5-7 days to process one claim (it has to move through like 5-6 different systems; ideally it shld move thru one system per day). guess how long it's taking and has been taking since november of last year.
..... ..... .....
55 days. ....yeah.
and they're being fined. heavily. the fines *started* at 200g's. guess where they are now.
..... .... ....
half a mil. ...yeah.
so, that's why we dont have training some days. all the supervisors/trainers are busy runnin round like chickens with their tasty lil heads cut off, in & outta meetings, helpin erbody with their emergencies, tryna get everybody outta the hole they're in.
it's a mess. and when we dont have class and when there are no other assignments, everybody else in the class who was already working for the company, they have other stuff they can do. and even annoying ass franklin gets special projects b/c he's good with MS Access. me? i just sit and look busy. for full days, just doin nothin. it's tedious--sittin and doing nothing for 8 hrs is pretty nerveracking--but hey, i'll take it.
it's gonna be funny when they put me out there on the floor and have me tryna meet some quotas, though. they bet not expect nothin more outta me than what they gave me. and right now, it hasnt been too much at all.
so that's work. before we totally leave the area of work, let's talk about franklin.
he's so irritating. like.. i dont even know where to start. he kinda reminds me of my uncle professorlips, the one who gets drunk and always wants to wax philosphical so that he can show off all the new words he's made up and how well he can use pre-existing words incorrectly. this dude is always sober though, which is the scary thing. like i said, i thought he may have possibly been cool at first.. the attn he gave was dope, but now, like iont even wanna make eye contact. like i seriously avoid it. like right now, imagine looking right at someone staring at a computer screen. u're sitting like, behind the computer, facing them, but in there line of vision. u know they see you. you KNOW they see you, and yet they don't flinch a bit.
i did that to him twice today. i largely just wanna be left alone man cause that dude's personality is annoying like a mug, man. he talks all the time. tooooo damn much. and he's always tryin to make a point. and 9 times out of 10, they're stupid ones. like, he'll start off soundin sane, but then everything just gets real dumb. case in point: we were all talkin about tv personalities and stuff today as we pretended to work. we eventually got to talkin bout south park, then about scientology due to the whole scientology episode thing. franklin was askin us what the big deal about scientology is. i was tellin him how it's absolutely nuts because its based on a science fiction novel and has to do with aliens and all that.
'it's crazy. literally, it's insane, it's nuts. aliens, yo. evil aliens and spirits and all that.'
to which he responds, 'well hold on, that may not be all that crazy though--'
and he was serious. *sigh*
and he calls me 'baby' or 'babe' from time to time. i hate that shit. i dont take it too personally, cause i get the feelin that's somethin he does with lots of ppl to make himself look and feel way cooler than he cld ever aspire to be. but ugh, it's gross. and he asks about my boyfriend all the time. im suspicious of ppl who do that.
and yo, he tryna get a little too familiar with Papa DooWop (my sexy little ipod), too man. i caint have that. i fucked up and let him listen to it the other day when i was readin the metro and they had an article about little brother's concert in there. i was like oh snap, little brother's comin! franklin claims to be an emcee *rolls eyes til they fall out of skull,* and he be tryin to talk music with me a lot, but dude is so stereotypical with his it's boring. jay-z. nas. biggie. *snooze.* anyway, he didnt know anything about LB.. i was like 'yeah, i got both they albums on my ipod,' and he's like 'oh, word? lemme check it out?' i warned him that i would kill him without fail shld he harm my ipod in any way, and since he sat/sits in front of me in the trainin room directly in my line of sight, i was a little more relaxed about lil doowop bein out of my hands, cause i cld watch him the whole time he had it (and i did. oh yes i did).
so he's listenin. im thinkin he'll skim through some tracks, or listen to one album in full, at best. i knew he wldnt have it long cause the battery was finna die. he felt the need to turn around and first of all, mouth the words to every funny part in whatever song he was listenin to and laugh like a 3 yr old (i really hate his laugh) like i aint never heard the shit before. then he just starts listenin to random shit, mainly jayz, nas, and biggie, just jammin it up, rhymin along and shit.
yo. gimmie my ipod, nigga.
and then yesterday, he was like 'i dont mean to bother you, but wld it be okay if i listen to ur ipod?' thankfully i didnt have it with me and i told him so. he was all, '*gasp!* im shocked! you left it at home?! what about me? you didn't even think about me?'
i told him plainly: ..no.
he laughed. that snivellin ass laugh. ugh. and he laughs at like every 3rd word i say. UGH.
anyway, im takin my ipod tomorrow and when he asks for it im tellin him no and im tellin him straight up that im real territorial about my baby and he needs to get used to not listening to it. for real.
the sad thing about franklin bein in the class and at the company with me is that he's the person closest to my age. he's either 25 or 28. he's also an undercover compulsive liar, ive decided. this is because the first time i asked him how old he was, he told me to guess. i guessed 27. he said 'yeah, tha'ts about right.' im like okay... how old are u exactly? he said 28. believeable. then i'd mentioned that it was d's birthday, then he asked how old he was. when i told him he was turning 26, franklin then told me he was 25 yrs old.
he later told two of the other women in the class that he's over 35.
....
so yeah. when i called him on it, of course he was just playin. he's decided to stick with 28.
at any rate, everybody else in the class and in the company is old, man. and they're nice but i cant really relate to none of em. they all have at *least* two kids, each of them, and that's aaaaaaaaaaalllll they talk about during the day. literally. like im not even playing. seriously, all they talk about is their kids. i just be sittin on the outskirts, faced with either pretending to be interested in their little rugrats, which i am not, or talking to franklin, which i am also not interested in doing. i usually just keep company with my lil ipod.
so. that's work for real this time.
no more perm?
possibly. long story short, i bought this: http://www.ebonyline.com/psi150sd.html
*sigh* so amazing. i seriously may not have to perm anymore.. this thing does that good a job. ima still hafta see abt gettin it trimmed professionally, but otherwise?
*crosses fingers*
id love to not have to spit out 40-70 bucks to sit in somebody's chair for 4 hrs.
i idolized them back in my poetry loving days (sheesh, it seems sooooo long ago). i had the world's biggest crush on frank x. walker & when i had the opportunity to have a workshop with some of the poets, i decided then that i really really wanted to be one of them. of course my poetry sucked. or i just didnt have enough contact with them, didnt do any readings, stuff like that. so it never came to be.
one day last week though, one of my poetry writing friends from school sent me a note on myspace asking if i'd be okay with her submitting my name to be included with the 3rd generation of affrilachian poets. initially i was so excited. but then i remember that i hate poetry. i really dont have the material or the interest to committ myself to joining up with them now.
le sigh. too little, too late. oh well.
notice how im breezing thru these lil updates now? my fingers is tired. lol
i dont think there's too much else to say. my birthday's next month. my mama and brother and neice are gonna come and see me. i am excited beyond words :)
in a weird twist of fate and abnormality, our heroine does not hate her job as she predicted and even--dare we say--kind of likes it. might this be proof that we are indeed living in the last days?
have the holy rollers stopped trying to foster her pseudo-spiritual growth by showering her with their oppressive good intent whilst besmudging her street cred in the process?
how long til she clocks franklin in the mouth for being an annoying little dustmite of a man?
how will her life change now that she has found salvation in the form of the $80 ceramic flat iron that makes her look near fresh out the salon upon each usage? MIGHT THIS BE THE END OF THE PERM?!
also: tracy? poetry? a reunion? is someone smoking sherm? mayhaps!
join us next week. or whenever i can get around to updating for real.
up next:
the man. the myth. those damn revolving doors. Spyography presents: monster in a wheelchair.
**i wrote this in response to an entry in the blog of a friend of mine. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
arright. here are my thoughts on the win. i've been itching to write about this, and this is the first time ive actually sat to do it, so i'll probably ramble on & on for awhile--bear with me though. and also note that if/when i start to sound angry, im not angry at you, my dearest bianca! im just angry in general. im like that a lot these days.
okay.
i only watched the oscars for two reasons--john stewart, who is perhaps the sexiest white man in my life right now other than johnny depp, and three six mafia. i laughed hysterically when i heard they were performing on the show and near peed my pants when i heard they were nominated for an oscar. cause i mean think about it--the oscars? three six mafia? three six mafia?? the oscars??!??!??! really, it sounds like somethin out of a chapelle show sketch.
but i was ecstatic. i was absolutely overjoyed to hear it, mainly because i like three six mafia. yeah, the music can be called/labled ignorant. yeah, im conflicted and i have trouble reconciling my affinity for their music and my personal socio-whatever beliefs. and i'm biased. living in philadelphia after being born and raised in the semi-south, i run into a lot of people who don't listen to "that music," who look down on the southern rap culture and as such, look down on the entire region, which, of course, is completely pretentious and unfair. so i latch on to it and make it a symbol of pride for me; i love them and others like them partly because i really do like the sound, and partly out of resentment. im a big ol walking contradiction. but that's okay, cause im human, and humans arent supposed to be perfect. keep that in mind, this whole "humanity" thing, cause it'll come back into play later on in my babbling.
so, i was glad they were nominated and would be performing at the stuffy ol, nose-up-in-the-air ol, history of racistness/prejudiceness havin, whitebread ol' oscars. hell yeah i was excited. selfishly, i hoped they scared the hell out them white folk--i didnt want them to go "easy" on them at all; they shlda got exactly what they asked for, because i, like plenny other black folks in america, was suspicious of the reasons for the nomination. i know that historically--and forgive my generalizing here--white people love to see niggas in niggerish roles. no matter what advancements are made, no matter how many more rap acts they'll bring to the oscars, that will always be fresh in my mind. so yeah, i didn't want any conditional "we'll let you on our stage as long as you promise to be good" bs.. but, there are censors, and they apply to everyone, so i wont fuss too much about that.
im babbling; let me get to the point.
im glad they won. im glad they won and, no offense, i roll my eyes as hard as i can whenever i hear someone commenting on how their performance and/or win "set black people back," about how they did a bad job of "representing us," about how they "cooned their way" to the win. it confuses my head, hurts my heart, and just really gets on my nerves to hear statements and sentiments like that for the following reasons:
1) we shouldn't be forced to let three six mafia defend "us" (and by "us" i mean black people--im speaking from my own viewpoint here) simply because we share three six mafia's ancestry. if you don't live or subscribe to the kind of life they're singing about in their songs, fine. but guess what--some people do. there's nothing wrong with race being a unifying structure, but it becomes a problem when it begins to strip its members of their indiividuality. if they don't represent you, don't allow them to. just move on and enjoy the rest of the show.
2) this one's the biggie--the whole idea of putting on our best faces for white people absolutely makes me sick to my stomach. i mean really. the day that we stop caring so mcuh what white people (and ANY other people, for that matter) think about us, the better. i'm waiting for that day. im praying for it. i'd smack my granny in the mouth if i thought it'd make that day come around faster. but i mean really--white people don't care what we think of them. nobody's out fighting because kid rock and marilyn manson make them look bad. well, they are protesting, but it's because they think kid rock and marilyn manson are the devil. but i digress; i think it's universally understood that the thought of someone--a black/minority citizen, particularly--being a "credit to their race" is insulting, yes? its' a backhanded compliment. it's saying "you, you're awesome! but the rest of your race? man, they suck." it suggests that "the race" largely needs widescale uplifting and improvement based on issues and matters of race alone, which are typicaly stereotypes. but why doesn't the same sort of analysis apply to the phrase "setting the race back?" i think it's an unfair burden that's being put on the shoulders of black/minority folks, and i think it's unfair. we keep existing with this 'we have to prove ourselves to them' mentality, and it's BS. i have better things to do with my time, yknow?we need to stop putting so much time and energy into "looking good in front of company" and instead put it toward fixing the problems in the house, if you're really that concerned about our lot in life. sure, you can take three six mafia off that oscar stage and replace them with will smith's wide-smiled face to make the white folks feel better. but if that's all you do--what have you really done? nothing.
three six mafia isn't perfect. but that's okay, cause guess what? black people aren't perfect. and do u know why? because black people are human too. and we should be allowed to be human (here's where the whole "humanity" thing again). there are pimps in the world. there are prostitutes. there are drugs and death and disease and murder and abuse and pain in every social class and "race" that exists on the face of this earth. i thought art was a safe arena to turn to to deal with all that? isn't that what this movie is doing, sort of? isn't that what the song is doing? isn't that what the whole musical culture does? of course it does. but unfortunately there are some people who can't recognize that because their noses are thrust too high up in the air to see it. that kind of thinking, in my opinion, is classist and egregious, and we need to dead it as soon as possible.
once we do that, we can move on to the next phase of this whole progression program. if three six mafia's race wasn't an issue here, and if the race associated with the musical culture of the song wasn't an issue, this win could have been a huge step in the normalizing process. take away the color and what do you have: the story of a human who grew up misguided, made mistakes, and changed. a very human story. not a black story, not a white story--a human one. it also could have been (and still was to me, because ive committed myself to looking past the BS) a big day for hip hop, kind of like when kanye west was put on the cover of time magazine (it was time, wasnt it?); that was impactful, not because the bougie upper class was finally recognizing us slaving and rapping away in the trenches, but because kanye and his music had gotten so big that he made the cover of time. time!! that's huge! and now a rap act at the oscars?? hip hop/rap is spreading, and to me, it's a gloriously beautiful thing.
but it got overshadowed by race. and the ironic thing: all the opposition ive heard has come from black people, mad because the government has decided to bring slavery back, all because three six mafia won an oscar (note: they're not really bringing slavery back, but you'd think so, lookin at the way people are complaining) . we're wasting time worrying about what white people are going to think of us, yall. i mean no matter what we do, no matter what happens, there will always be some who disapprove and find reasons to rationalize their biased thinking, no matter what. no matter what. and do you know what i say to that? i'll tell you what i say to that. i say that that sounds like a personal problem, and that problem is not mine to worry about. we can't go around trying to please everybody.
and do you know what else REALLY made me mad? people are all mad at three-six mafia for winning! what the heck?! talk about projection; if you're mad that three-six mafia won an oscar, don't be mad at three-six mafia, be mad at the people who nominated and gave it to them! divide and conquer, yall--they're still doin it. don't let em!
wow, i really did not intend to go on so much. lemme wrap it up:
i think it's high time that we take off the victim costume, build a bridge, and proceed to get over it.
maybe one day three six will be allowed to win an oscar just because they made a good song, not because they're filling some fetishized mold created by the white folks. & maybe we'll be able to let them win an oscar without voluntarily moving a space back on the game board.
do not pass go. do not join the 21st century.
oy. i really do think we need to move past thinking like this.
and in conclusion, i would like to share with you this statement made by my friend sean in a conversation we had on this very subject:
me: man, people be all bougie, talkin bout three-six is "settin back the race." sean: maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan three six IS the race! WE ALL SET OURSELVES BACK ON OUR OWN TIE EYE EYE EYE EYE EYE EYE EYEM!*
*note - please read this last line to the tune of 'stay fly.' thanks.
