ive really, really been wanting to write lately. not in this blog, particularly. something creative. anything creative. like i feel it welling up inside me recently, and it's one of the greatest feelings ive felt in quite awhile.. it feels like revisiting one of the proudest moment of your life, or getting together with your best friend again after years and years of being apart and laughing like you'd never separated. it feels very, very good.
crazy thing is, though, i havent written anything. and i dont really know why.
i think im still afraid to give it a go again.. im scared of sitting down and starting and hating it and stopping and doing it all over again and finally getting mad and discouraged and quitting. i don't yet know how to just write.. when i write, i want what i write to be good. lately, nothing ive written has been good, which is why ive allowed myself to make a home in this block that's settled over my life. i need to just write to be writing. that's hard to do.
i guess i'll work on it, though.
um.. let's see.
nothing else has been going on, really. work is going okay. i've been given my own little desk and cubbyhole and stuff, which one of the guys who works there is a good sign.. they already fired two temps before training even ended (and our crazy friend franklin was one of them), and another of the temps is just floating around, sitting in the desks of whoever isn't there on a particular day. ive got a permanent spot, though, and the work isn't too hard.. it's very monotonous, though, but that suits me. it makes the day go by faster, and i'd prefer to just sit and chip away at a pile of clearly defined cut & dry work. im weird like that, i guess.
the people that i work with are nice as far as i know.. they're just all old. i think im the youngest one there, and to my knowledge im one of the only ones without kids. and that's all they talk about during the day. their kids and Madea. *rolls eyes* needless to say, i'm pretty quiet during the day, jumpin in the conversation when i can, making small talk when it gets too quiet. i think im officially an introvert again. ive been thinking about it & ive decided that at the core, im just not a naturally social person, and being here and out of my comfort zone has sort of pushed me back into that quiet little girl i was before i started college. ive felt a lot of pressure to change that, but lately im just like fuck it.. its too stressing. im prepared to be content doing the loner thing again. i still say its stupid that i havent really made any friends in a city of i dont know how many people, but hell.. these millions of people are weird, man. i just dont get them & they don't really get me. so, whatcha gonna do.
i just digressed like a muhfker
but since i digressed, let me digress some more
i dont really wanna move back home when my lease is up in august. if i had it my way, the conditions and situations in my life will have reached a level that wld allow me to tolerate at least another year here. gene asked me on the boards like a week or somethin ago what it wld take for me to want to stay here. i took a second to think about it and next thing i knew, i'd totally forgotten about it altogether. but now that im thinkin about it, i think this is what itd take--
1 - i'd have to be able to afford it.
2 - id have to feel more comfortable with just living and being in this city, which i dont think i entirely am just yet-- since ive been here, ive become really really jumpy and i feel like im always lookin over my shouder or just waiting for something bad to happen. this comes from watching the news too much, i guess. but all the bad news stories just come from philly bein a city with a crime rate that's way too high for my liking. and that makes me uncomfortable like 95% of the time that i spend awake. asleep, too.
3 - i need a good, close female friend. or even a male one that is not interested in what color my panties are. but for that to happen i need to learn how to let my guard down so as to let such a friend in, which has always been relatively hard for me to do, but has become even harder since ive moved here.
4 - my existing relationships w/ certain ppl here have to improve
5 - i think that's it. i just need this place to feel homey, i guess. and happier.
im hoping that wont be hard to do. i dont think it's so hard. but i reckon we'll see.
if i may hop back to the subject of friends though, let me tell you very quickly about how a young man named wale ruined my life. sort of. not really. he did mess with my head pretty badly last week though.
so i have this supervisor at work whom we shall call Em. Em is female in her late 20s. seems pretty nice, good sense of humor, all that. she's rather... studly. she wears nothing but men's clothes, keeps her hair flat twisted in the front, 2-strand twisted in the back (natural headed), stud earrings, men's shoes. if i were to pass superficial judgement, i'd say she looks very much like she likes the ladies. which is fine with me, of course.
again, she seems nice enough, but she's kinda... weird. anti-social, maybe. no, not so extreme.. introverted. again, i have no problem with that, cause im introverted too, so i sort of understand. but this is just a little too peculiar to me; we've had full conversations with each other, personal ones, regarding where i'm from, how i ended up in philly, what her hobbies are, etc. but we've never had these conversations face to face, even though i see her multiple times a day. when i see her, we talk about work. like, i'll walk over to her desk to ask her a question on the other side of the office, and i'll get back to my desk and there's an email waiting for me from her.
so how was your weekend?
this may sound unspectacular to you, but i swear, it happens ALL THE TIME this way, like, say im at my desk, and she emails me a question about.. i dunno, music. i respond. she says somethin about she's a musician too, she makes beats (which she does). at this point in the program, i have a question about one of the sheets im working on, so i walk over to her desk to show it to her. she answers my question, i mention something about the last email she sent me, attempting to get some realtime social interaction goin on, she gives a short answer, awkward silence ensues, i head back to my desk to find an email waiting on me.
yeah, ive been makin beats for 8 years.
you know?? isnt that weird?? and like, in our emails we found out that we share some similar interests, and she suggests that if i need a friend, she'd be a good one to know when it comes to interesting events around town. so i give her my cell phone number, but she refuses to call. only text messages. only text messages. again, this may seem like nothing to you, but... i dunno, it's odd to me. plus u may be wondering why i just dont call her since she won't call me, and friends, this is where wale comes in.
so last week Em invites me to come to her house on saturday night to 'talk about music and writing.' harmless. im still very, very hesitant. now im trying not to pass judgement, mind you, but i do have it in my mind that she very well may be checkin for me like that. which again, i wldnt be enraged by, but i would like to be for sure before i go wandering around random neighborhoods in west philly after dark to be all up in the house of somebody that i just met. i mean, if she was a dude i wldnt think twice abt not goin. i'd plum not go. but again, i dont know anything for sure, and i dont wanna be judgemental, and i DO need a friend or two, so i consent, even though somethin in me is really like yo.. pump the brakes. sexuality issues aside, you dont know this person from a hole in the wall. and it seemed just too soon to be all up in somebody's house like that one on one, you know? well i think she said her best friend wld be there too, but shit, i dont know her either. (c) miss millie from the color purple
so im all nervous abt it, and thinking abt it and rethinking it, and im talkin to wale like thursday, friday night. i give him the quick & dirty on the situation.. stud invites me to her house, offers up some drinks, etc etc.
w: OH HELL NO. dont be stupid yo, you know better than that. me: ???? maybe she's just tryna be friendly! w: NO.
this isnt verbatim, mind you, but this is essentially the point of the conversation. he pretty much convinces me that Em is gonna sucker me into her apartment one on one wiht candles lit and mickied wine and it's gonna be over for me. and now, because of him, i cant help but be suspicious of her. i mean its very ,very likely that she's just being nice & friendly. but... it's not totally crazy that she might have some hidden agendas too.
..right? am i crazy? was i right in the first place? what would yall have done/thought? hit up the comment box, let's fellowship on it.
in the end, i didnt go because she didn't call me (read: text me) when she said she was goin to, and i wasnt in any rush to call her, and my heart wasnt broken about any of it.
she weird, yo.
anyway, i dont think i have too much else to report. my birthday's comin up soon. i'll be 24. i hate getting older. im afraid of it. i feel like time is running out, and that im runnin on a tight schedule when it comes to doing something really big with my life, which is scary because i pretty much have nothing going for me right now as far as that's concerned.
my mama's comin up to spend my birthday weekend with me. i'll be very excited to see her :o)
i'd like to say that i feel myself growing and maturing. i think i do. my newest project is working to accept change. when things are going good, i dont want them to change at all. but, they do. things change, people change, and when that happens, it devistates me sometimes.
ive been thinking about and reciting the serenity prayer a lot lately.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. that would be like reaching nirvana for me. if i could do that, i'd be so good.
i feel like im getting there, though. im starting to look at situations where ive literally done everything i possibly can to stop something from changing, or to return something that has changed back to its original state.. i mean EVERYthing... obsessed over it, sacrificed for it, all that, to no avail.. and that shit is tiring. ive become very tired of doing it and im s tarting to realize that hey, we cant change everything. something are just out of my hands and control, and sometimes its for the better even if i cant see it at the moment.
im babbling. my bad.
but yeah, that's what's up in tracyville at the moment. sorry if its kinda boring.