my mama and aunt were here this past week, as u know if u've been reading, which i suspect you havent. when the phone rang late yesterday evening, the though flashed quickly across my mind but i dismissed it. still i wasnt surprised to hear the urgency in my mama's voice or see her brow furrow the way it does when she's worried but too busy trying to fix things to show it. it was her youngest sister, my other aunt; she'd been staying with my granny while my mother and aunt were up here visiting me. she got to the house from work that evening and found my granny in the house, drooling, unresponsive, and unable to speak.
once, about two years ago i think, my mother and i got home from the movies to find her sitting on the front porch swing in the same manner. my mother had me go call 911 while she tried to rouse her out of it. she eventually did, though she was speaking unintelligibly for awhile, audibly clear but nonsensibly. she was fine after that. the dr's called it a seizure, i called it (and still call it) a fainting spell due to dehydration. it was hot, she drinks too much caffiene and not enough water. i fainted once & was very confused when i came to, as she was.
this time though, she couldn't speak at all, it all came out garbled, slurred, childlike, and even after she snapped out of it, her speech never returned.
my aunt said she was hard to understand but she was able to make out that she had fallen in her bedroom (this is what my granny told the aunt of mine who found her; its still unclear whether she fell as a result of the stroke, or if she had the stroke because of her fall).
i should stop her and correct myself; im not trying to jinx anything or speak anything into existance--it's possible that my granny had a stroke. when they got her to the hospital, they ran some tests, the results of some are yet to be analyzed. but the dr who examined her said that it was more than likely a stroke. she napped in the emergency room and when she woke, she was fine physically--walking, moving about, fussing because she wanted to go home. by all accounts, as far as i know, she's been fine aside from her speech.
so it hasn't yet been confirmed, but when i heard about what happened, the first thing i thought abt was a stroke. either that or some sort of paralysis. my neice's mother called me while i was at work today and gave me an update; she said that she was fine but her speech was still really bad, and she'd get frustrated to the point of tears when no one could understand her. she said that she understands that she's had a stroke, and she kept rubbing the side of her face, asking if everything was okay, if she looked alright (afraid of the paralysis). that gave me some hope. she was in nursing school for awhile so i asked her if she'd ever regain her speech, and she said it depends; it could be back tonight, could be back in a week, could be a month or a year or never. they'd just have to see how extensive the damage was.
my mom and aunt were supposed to leave tomorrow morning. they left this morning instead to be with my granny.
i don't know much about strokes. i have a rough knowledge of what happens, and ive seen the after effects (one of my granny's sisters-in-law had a bad one and now has limited use of the left side of her body). but i dont know any details; i dont know what happens to the body during a stroke, i don't know what life is like for the victim in the immediate minutes afterward, and frankly i don't want to know. if i do know, i'll put my granny inside those details; i'll imagine her alone in the house, in the bedroom she loves so dearly, slipping, tripping on something, or her knees simply giving out; falling, flailing, convulsing; going rigid and laying, just laying until someone finds her; grabbing and reaching for the corner of her chest or a handfull of her bedspread to try and try and try to pull herself up. its disturbing. also disturbing is the thought of her never being able to talk again. i love to hear my granny speak. her accent, the phrases she uses, her sayings. they're beautiful; sometimes when i think about certain things i do so in her voice because hers has more color. but there's already so much she can't do, and she already wants to die (or puts on that she does, at the very least); this would be a massive, massive blow. they're going to take the house from her; i figure that's pretty definite. at her age, and in her condition, both now and before the potential stroke, she shldn't be living in a house with lots of steps for her to fall down and a sprawling backyard with an alley she doesn't know how to stay out of where she's alone for 10+ hrs a day. but that house is her pride. taking it will make it official for her: everything she's ever worked for will have been taken from her; she'll be rendered helpless, considered an invalid, treated like a child, and no longer the woman life forced her to be when she had her first child at 17. she'll feel that she really has nothing to live for now, become more depressed. these are all worst case scenarios, of course; i'm hoping for the best and trying to remain optimistic, but sometimes it's hard to do when reality is boxing your ears and spitting in your face. of everything possible, her morale will suffer the most.
i love her so much.
i can't imagine her not here anymore. i mean i wonder about it at length sometimes; i peer over my fingers, crossed for good luck before i uncross them to go knock on some wood somewhere, and watch a parade of 'what ifs' in secret before i start to feel bad about it. but she's 80 years old, and i know people don't live forever. and i know she's had her share of medical troubles--borderline ovarian cancer, triple bypass heart surgery, impacted bowel surgery, degenerative disk disease. but still, ive never really thought it possible for her to go, i guess. she's so strong, man--two different people have said that to me of her in the past day, she's so strong--and so constant, so unchanging. so... i dunno.
i read a book once. i think it was called 'woman on the edge of time' or something like that. my memory is fuzzy, but it was about a woman who visited the future, and it was all about how the customs had changed, what they thought of people from her time, etc (i feel like ive discussed this book and the passage im about to proceed with here already). in the future society, they let people die when they wanted to; this was very odd to our woman on the edge of time. the future people went on to talk about how selfish it was to make someone stay alive even when they didn't want to, strictly because we didn't want to let them go. i think there may be truth in that; a man dying of AIDS, who will inevitably die--is it wrong for him to want an end to his suffering? is it wrong to let him? is his grieving mother reason enough to keep him alive, thus creating two grieving souls? life is always the answer, according to us. i wonder about that; i wonder if there are any souls stalking the earth who would trade heaven for another shot at life (those other than those who were not ready to go). and i wonder about people who committed suicide. how many of them wish they hadn't done it? how many would walk back through the portal were it reopened to them? how many would turn the clock back to that precise moment, just before they pulled their triggers, right before they tasted their arsenic?
at any rate, i'm afraid to toy with such ideas, that death isn't a bad thing and nothing to be feared. in fact, it is my biggest fear, and it has a profound effect on my happiness and the way ive been living or trying to live my life. i know that death is a part of life. but when i hear that phrase, "death is a part of life," i think about the circle: baby is born, baby grows up, grown up lives a great, long life, grown up grows old, old person grows older, old person dies of old age, gets buried, becomes soil, becomes an apple tree, the fruit of which is used to make baby applesauce and thus the circle begins again. but it's not so clean. i have experienced too much unexpected death not to be afraid of it, i think. and by too much, i mean only three instances, two family members, my cousins whom i speak of often here, i think, and a sunday school teacher of mine who was killed in a car crash when i was in middle school (or elementary school, i forget which). i think that's what did it. before that, death happened to old people when they had lived enough--my great grandmother for instance. she was very old, in her 90s i believe. and my great uncle john henry, also old. but when ms. royals, my sunday school teacher, died, it was then that i saw that no one was safe, no one is immune. and growing older and simply watching the news everyday (especially in THIS city), that fact becomes realer and realer to me everyday. the crime rate is rising, AIDS is spreading, ppl are generally unhealthier, nuclear missiles, suicide bombers, tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes--any of us can go at anytime. with this in mind, i wanna do everything now. now. i wanna write this novel and have it sell big right now; i wanna do somethin with all this love i have inside of me right now; i wanna travel the world and live big til im 30-35 and have babies right then if im fortunate enough to make it that long (which i pray feverishly that i will be, everynight), because who knows what'll happen? who knows?
who fucking knows.
who knows anything these days.
im confused about lots of things. im even confused abt what im confused abt so i wont even start rambling about that.
anyway, im afraid for my granny and terrified for us. something in me tells me she'll be around for awhile. its a simple assumption to make; anyone who knows her would say the same thing. still, i worry. i havent cried yet, and havent really tried to. i spoke to my mother today while she was with my granny; she said she was speaking better and asked if i wanted to talk to her. i did want to, but i cldnt. i can't bear to listen to her like that. i felt guilty for that and still do, but i'd be upset, and i didnt want her to hear me upset because i didn't want to further upset her any.
i wish like hell that i was home right now. i'd go to that hospital and sit with her every day, every single day until she came home, just like i did when she had her stomach surgery. it's crazy.. i talked to her on the phone the night before for the first time in like a month or so. im so glad i got to do it then. before we hung up she said she was gonna send me some money to bring me home for a visit, and she told me that she loves me better than anything else.
i have to call her more.
im trying tno to think abt it too much because i know if i do i'll feel guilty abt having moved. 'if only i was there...' i dont know what i cld have done. i wld have found her sooner, if nothing else--she told my aunt that she had been like that, unable to talk, all day (the details of when everything happened are still blurred, at least to me); and one of her church members called my other aunt, saying that she'd heard that my granny cldnt talk, which suggests she'd tried to answer the telephone after it happened... man, the thought of her being all alone in that house like that for so long...
i try not to think abt it.
she's lucky. we're lucky. and exhausted.
im very tense. im still transitioning from old me to new me (somehow), and settling into this apartment (it's lonely being in it alone right now, especially when i want to be with my family at home in ky, and if not them, my family here in philly, and plus this apartment will feel strange and lonely to me until im here long enough for it to become part of my familiar), and im gettin impatient with my writing (its still there, it just doesnt come when i want it to), and this job situation is starting to stress me (i havent heard anything at all from the folks at penn, not by phone or email), and im lonely. im drinkin this weekend. if nothing else, it'll loosen up my body and muscles. that'll be enough for me. maybe a smidge more to get me gigglin. i need a good laugh.
in other news, my birth control pills got lost or hidden from me in the move. it's been a week. i'll start bleeding as a result in about another one. won't THAT be fun.
i'll post pics of my new place as soon as all these boxes are out of it.
if ur the praying type, please pray for my granny. if ur not, do whatever you do to bring about good things. if anything.
i look like a double exhaustion sammich with cheese right now.
like, i can't even tell you.
the hard work is paying off, though. im in my new digs right now, and it looks like it's shaping up to be a very, very nice spot. i miss the old place, but only because this unfamiliarity of my new surroundings makes me kind of nervous and anxious; i miss my comfort zone. i do not, however, miss the crackheads, dopeboys, stank fat women in spandex unitards, omar (have i told yall the story of omar?), or the wafting stench of the barbage from the deli/likka store next door to me.
so im straight.
..i will miss the tender young rican @ the corner store tho. woo!
he aint worth me hangin round there tho. iont even know his name & im not all too interested in it. he just nice to look at. there's plenty nice to look at around here; the street is really pretty--i'm just a hop, skip & a jump from where i was, but it's like amazing. the thing that gets me abt this city is that there are very few, in my experiences, areas that can be considered universally "bad parts of town" cause like, you can be on one street and feel like ur walkin through a slum in war-torn Beirut (sp?), but cross over one block and it looks like beverly hills. or dollywood. or somethin just as classy. so yeah, that little bit of difference makes all the difference; this place is on a better street, it's brighter, i dont get leered at everytime i leave my front door, and it's bigger--DEFINITELY not by much, but bigger still, and the added brightness makes it seem even bigger. it was way smaller than i remembered it for a lot of reasons, and i threw my usual pouty hissy fit when i first got here, but i quickly got over it.
especially after we went to ikea.
yo.
ikea and ross will be the death of me. i'm calling it now. when i keel over, my tombstone's gonna read "HERE LIES TRACY--DEATH BY UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO GIVE ROSS AND IKEA ALL HER RENT AND GROCERY MONEY." like--it's fabulous. it's wonderful and perfect and yeah im late i guess, but sheesh. SHEESH. ive seen ikea furniture before, but walking through the store--this weekend was my second time there, and the first time i was pretty much unmoved because i wasnt doing any shopping for myself--that place makes you feel like you, too, can become the world's greatest interior designer and decorate your entire home for less than $79.99. it's dangerous. pricewise we did pretty good though--we got a bed, mattress, mirror, table, lamp, sofa bed, bookcase, chest, a wok, wine glasses (<-- PARTY @ MY PLACE!), and lots of little odds & ends and we spent less than what we had alotted ourselves. now im on this accessorising kick--after seein all the little setups at ikea i got so many ideas, but im way too picky. i went lookin for some stuff today to do things like that with but cldnt find anything because it wasnt *precisely* what i wanted. and too, i didnt have much time. so when i have the extra time and change, that's what i'll be doing, i guess.
i feel incredibly blessed lately.
when good has been given to me, i try to give back in some way, usually by giving money to panhandlers on the street who may very well use that money to further some horrible habit that will likely kill them (thought that counts though, right?). and this is how i know that things are on the upswing--even when im roller coastering, up & down & up & down as i have been lately, i still feel that way. i still feel something big about to happen in my fingertips and thankfully it's something that i can't shake. still, i do have my moments when i just don't want to speak to or look at or think about anyone at all and opt to bury myself in my comforter and dream or cry a little bit. (im probably alone on this, but crying feels GOOD. like, the hard crying, the push all the air out of your lungs and scream it into ur pillow til ur abs hurt type crying. man. that feels so good. & then when its all o ver u just lay all tired and exhausted unable to move and just sink into ur bed or couch or floor or wherever you are. aside from all the depressing shit that usually surrounds that type of crying, it's awesome. sort of like working out--i feel that same sort of feeling afterwards. this is not to imply that ive been doing that kind of crying lately, cause i havent; its been awhile since ive cried at all. just thought i'd say that though. i now return you back to your regularly scheduled blawg). but through all that, im growing, and i really think that these are just things i have to go through to get to where i need to be. ive been thinking that im crazy, like borderline emotionally wrong somewhere, but i dont think that's the case. im just a woman in transition. and transitioning is never easy. unless you have a pair of those Transitions glasses. those look like they transition with little to no problem at all.
anywhom. my mom and aunt are here this week. last night as i lay in bed with my mama i said a prayer and thanked whoever's up there for sending her to me. she has her faults. we all do. and hers are miniscule and not at all unbearable. so many people don't have the luxury of a good mother or even a mother at all; this woman is amazing to me. she's my hero and i love her more than who knows what and she'd love me twice as hard, but it's not possible. she's my best friend--my other best friend (i see u)--and sometimes when we're together and having fun i feel guilty for having moved away. but at the same time, i have wished on several occassions that i had this new place to myself so that i can dance around to Morris Brown in my draws already. lol.. im definitely glad she's here though. i just wish i didnt have to work so i cld spend more time with her-- she's leaving thursday and i prolly wont get to see her again til thanksgiving or crimmus.
my aunt is.. something. definitely a handful. to company, those just meeting her, and those outside the family, she's a delight, a real treat. she's happy, optimistic, laughs loudly and often, and has great teeth; she's very health-conscious, artsy and feminine, very flowery with a sweet, fragrant personality. and all of that is true; she really is those things. but she's also, in my opinion, judgemental, know-it-allish, bossy, nervous, and prone to anxiety attacks. its terrible to say, but a couple of times i wished that it was just my mom and i hanging this week. she got drunk the second night she was here and oooooooooooooohhh lord. i'll talk abt that later. at any rate, the good outweighs the bad, but after awhile i get tired, you know? but i luh me some auntie. im glad to see her, too.
works is still work. i dont want to have to go tomorrow. but i do, so i will. no word from the people who interviewed me last week; the guy is actually out of the office until august 30th, so i dont guess i'll know one way or the other until then. i'ma get back on my resumes and stuff just in case.
somebody remind me (its funny how i say this like ppl are stil readin my blawg; iont think they are. except punk ass dre. hi punk ass dre! *waves w/ middle finger*) to share that passage from Alice Walker's 'Meridian' the next time im up in here. thanks.
lastly but not leastly, i think ive finally learned/am learning what love is. really is.
love is patient and kind and understanding and all that other stuff you learn from r&b songs. love is also mature, adult, and very strong; it is an understanding that shldnt have to be punctuated with flowers and picnics in the park and serenades and the like. it is an ever-present pulse, a wave that never stops waving, an energy that grips you at the core and refuses to let go and warms when that love is near; it is assumed that it will never leave and is always there because it never shows signs or intent of leaving, and even when it does leave it never really leaves, because real love is larger and more impactful than anything else in this whole world; it may weaken, it may dim, but it will never ever go away completely. love is a constant state, not a fleeting notion to hold hands in a movie theatre; its not 'hey babe, i got you some roses,' its 'hey, babe, i got u for whatever you need, any of the things you can't hold in your hand, i have and they're yours even when i dont remind you so.'
but
love is being thoughtful; sometimes love is getting that favorite flower or book by a favorite author when u know they won't expect it, not because you can't have love without books and flowers, but because that simple thoughtful act can likely dwell in ur love's memory forever; or telling him/her they look beautiful when u know they feel like shit because to you they are beautiful because u're in love and u want to do things to make that person feel as good as they make you feel. love is consideration and compassion. love is reciprocation. love is admitting when we're wrong and making honest efforts to correct our mistakes and their fallout. but love does not mean taking the blame for everyone to spare the other party; and love is not putting all the blame on the other. love is not about blame at all; it's about accepting what is and whatever has happened and working together to make things right again, to keep things goes, to make them strong and new again. love is effort. love is a HUGE effort. love requires dedication and sacrifice and change, lots and lots and lots of change. love's definition differs from person to person because we're not all the same and we don't all look at things through the same little hole. but if the main tenants are there, then at the core, everybody has it right.
love is what infatuation wants to be when it grows up. love is more than a deep-deep-like, and that makes love a huge committment, a force that claims all your patience and much of your self-control, and its absolutely terrifying when considered in full. love is hurtful but worth opening our arms to it again and again and again.
love is much more grown up than i figured it to be in the beginning
and love is forgiveness above all, love is forgiveness and acceptance and respect. *always* respect.
& sometimes love is letting go
& sometimes we learn all this too late. i think maybe i did.
but, slow paper's better than no paper (c) lil wayne, right? better late than never.
im tryna get grown, yall. bear with me.
now im goin to sleep. its 11:38 and im already going to sleep.
things were going good. they still are, but i just feel myself getting a little frazzled.
everything that i've been planning for is happening, about to happen, or may possibly be happening. i move in two weeks. im learnin to be alone again. they'll make a decision on this admin position soon. all great stuff.
but im starting to stress over this move, coordinating and figuring and all that; it's getting to be a lot already and i havent packed the first bag yet.
i'm starting to feel just a little lonely again, but im fending it off well (i hope); still a vast improvement from where i wlda been a week ago
and i'm scared and nervous about potentially getting this job (they said im one of their top candidates). it's a lot of responsibility, and truth be told im not confident enough in myself to not be nervous. i'm playin the whatif game right now-- what if they hate me? what if i mess up? what if what if what if? i don't know if it's failing or succeeding that i'm afraid of. but, i think i felt the same way before i started my current gig, and im kickin ass there (though you'd never know it based on their reluctance to offer me a full time spot).
my place is a mess and it keeps getting messier. im working longer hrs and when i come home its time to bed.
the water's wavin up some & the boats startin to rock. ima ride it out tho.
i have to.
something else ive learned: wanting someone isn't a bad thing, but needing someone can be sometimes.
hey, guys and guyettes :) its me. finally gettin up off my ass to come do some real writin in this joint.
lots has happened since the last REAL entry, so much that i don't even remember anything. quick updates: i'm still working at IBC, still a temp, still no sign of being permanently hired. im going on 8 months without a perm and struggling to stay cute under such conditions. i haven't seen my family since christmas and i miss them terribly, but i don't have the money or time off to go see them, but i'm doing okay. i have a new niece; my other brother (my father's son) just had a baby girl, kaylie, who i havent seen yet. my grandfather died & i didnt really feel too much abt it, but i am glad he's not suffering anymore. um.. i'm not gaining any weight, which sort of astounds me. and i've started exercising again, bellydancing & pilates right now. i'm now ready to bring some cardio back into my life, too, having run about a mile last night (yes, i ran!) and power walked in the retarded heat for about an hour and some change today. i also bought a jumprope for rainy days. i've recently discovered the redeeming properties of sweat. i want to stick with this new urge; i'm going to try and harness it and ride it on out to better health and a more positive self image.
i found a new apartment. i move in about two weeks and i'm more excited than i cld possibly put into words here. when i get there, i may even invite people over just to hang out, which i like, never do.
and i have an interview on tuesday. i don't want to say too much for fear that i might jinx it, but it appears to be a great job and i feel like i may possibly might have a good shot at landing it. once i find out what's gonna happen either way, i'll tell yall all about it. in the mean & inbetween, keep ur testicles crossed and wish me luck!
also, i've started a story. let's hope i can stick with it this time.
------------------------------
so i've been here a year. it has undoubtedly been one of, if not the most taxing years of my life. my senior year of college was tough. this one has been tougher because ive had more things ive had to adapt to, but there are similarities--stuggling with change, saying goodbye to people, trying to figure out what i should do with my life. this year, all that was intensified, and it makes me feel very, very good to say that i have been made stronger, that i have grown, that im still growing, and that i have deathly impressed myself with my ability to do so. even if it took a whole year to do, its an ability that i wasnt even sure i had in me.
ive learned a lot. a LOT. mostly about myself, including/mainly the following:
1) the easiest way to lick something is to just put urself out there and do it. either it'll work or it wont. if it doesnt work, you've discovered it in time to find out what will work. and if it does work, there you go.
2) 24 isn't old at all. i have lots of time, but it's important not to squander it by sitting around waiting for things that may or may not fall into your lap, or by dwelling on things, or by simply not trying otherwise.
3) pooping everyday makes a world of difference.
4) hard work really does pay off; thought it's been killing me, the long(er) hours i've been putting in at the job are really, really helping me out. a lot.
5) my dad isn't such a bad guy. i noticed the other day that my feelings toward him are changing; i noticed this when i called him out of the blue, just to say hi. that's the first time i've ever done that in my life. and i actually don't mind talking to him. and he must be softening a little on me too, because when i talked to him, he made a very large deposit in my bank account, more than what i make in one week at the office. so yeah... he's not so bad. and that statement isnt even influenced by the money.
..the money helps, though.
6) im a whole lot braver than i thought i was.
7) having self-confidence and self-esteem can make or break a person. i dont have very much, and i made a huge mistake in looking to the people i love to validate me, to make me feel good about myself; once that validation stopped or changed, i was left trying to figure out what i had done and what was wrong with me, and that obsession became the domino that sent a million other problems tumbling into my life. someone told me that it has to come from within, which is cliche as all hell, but true. im not too sure how to do that, but i have some ideas. once i can turn that around, i'll really feel like a better person, one that people will want to be around.
8) it's always best to do it now. when u know what u need to do, just do it, no matter what. if it's right, u'll reap the benefits that much sooner. (now that i think about it, isnt this what i said in #1? i'm leaving this as #8 too, cause it's *that* important).
9) i'm a highly emotional and often irrational person. i have fought and struggled against these things for a very long time, and now im starting to wonder how futile an exercise this is. i'm sure that i'm extra with it; it would behoove me to tone it down. but at the core, maybe this is just a part of my personality that's here to stay, and maybe it's not such a bad thing. being an emotional person definitely isnt a bad thing; ive always been that way. that's how i read people, via their emotions, and (and this probably isnt such a good thing) i listen to my emotions far more than my brain, which leads to me being irrational and illogical when it comes to certain things that are emotionally important to me. does that make any sense at all? i dont really know how else to describe it. at any rate, i know there's a lot of work to be done there, and im gonna try to giterdone. but i dont want to eradicate that part of me completely; that would suck just as much, i think. emotions are important and healthy. like anything, too much of it is bad, but so is not enough of em.
10) im also a perfectionist, particularly when it comes to my relationships with other people. i always want to be the perfect person for them, i guess; when i fall short, im really hard on myself and i always imagine the worst, that they see me as like this terrible irritating taxing person. there's nothin wrong with wanting to be a good person, but in excess... yeah. im working on that. plus it leads to something else ive recently noticed..
11) i may expect too much out of people. maybe im just too demanding. or maybe im just like my mother. she's never satisfied. no, but seriously; its very possible that in my stretch to be the perfect person, i expect other ppl to do the same, which is unfair. im still not too sure about that; its just speculation right now (though im not ruling out its possibility), because ive also learned that
12) reciprocity is very important. i dont think its asking too much that i be given the same effort, treatment, and consideration that i give other people. ive never been good at asking people for things. i guess i should get better at that.
13) it's not always my fault. all the time; ive always been that way, again, with people that i really care about. it really bothers me to see them sad or upset or feeling bad about something, so i always say 'no, it's my fault' and end up apologizing whether i should or not. i have to stop that. i HAVE to. its very counterproductive to pretty much everything.
14) i can't stop the earth from spinning, nor can i keep things from changing. this doesnt mean that we shld just be passive about things, that if something happens that we don't like, we should just throw up our hands and go 'oh, well, everything happens for a reason, there's nothing i can do.' but we have to be able to identify the races we can win and pick our battles wisely. the only thing constant in the world is change; im doing a lot better with that, but i recognize that i have a ways to go.
so. with all that ive learned, i now know what i have to work on.
-restraint -patience -building self esteem -coolin out & c alming down -finding the courage to write again
all of that is completely doable. and it will be done.
im very excited about life in general, and i havent felt that way in quite some time. ill be a much better person when its all done. im very pleased with the majority of changes going on, and the ones im not pleased about, i recognize that i have to accept them and there's simply no way around it right now. though i lose sight of it, i still believe that everything happens for a reason, or at least i hope it does, and i know that people *can* change. that's important to remember; bad things dont HAVE to stay bad. people can change. and that's a very inspiring thing.
& a special note to You-- i act crazy a lot. i dont know if u see it as acting crazy, but i know im a stormy person lately, and a lot to stomach. and too, i know u probably feel like all the things u tell me when im in one of my moods goes in one ear and right out the other, and i'll be honest, sometimes it does; sometimes i'd rather just wallow, which isnt always the best thing--not always the worst, but certainly not always the best. but i want you to know that even if i dont show it, i do listen, and while walking and thinking today, i realized u're right about a lot of things and ive decided to put them into practice and amend them so that they work for me. so, thanks again; i hope u havent totally forgotten abt the pleasant person i can/used to be.. she's still in there & if she's disappeared at all, she's comin back.
so anyway. that's what's goin on now.
& hey, ive been wantin to do somethin really fun lately... like a trip to the zoo (if anyone besides ihsan and myself like the zoo) or an amusement park, or to a pool or beach (if yall think u cld stomach me in a two piece [and if i can manage to let anybody see me in a two piece in the first place lol]). somethin--somebody let me know!
also, ive been invited up to new york.. anybody goin to shinobishaw's birthday party?
