i look like a double exhaustion sammich with cheese right now.
like, i can't even tell you.
the hard work is paying off, though. im in my new digs right now, and it looks like it's shaping up to be a very, very nice spot. i miss the old place, but only because this unfamiliarity of my new surroundings makes me kind of nervous and anxious; i miss my comfort zone. i do not, however, miss the crackheads, dopeboys, stank fat women in spandex unitards, omar (have i told yall the story of omar?), or the wafting stench of the barbage from the deli/likka store next door to me.
so im straight.
..i will miss the tender young rican @ the corner store tho. woo!
he aint worth me hangin round there tho. iont even know his name & im not all too interested in it. he just nice to look at. there's plenty nice to look at around here; the street is really pretty--i'm just a hop, skip & a jump from where i was, but it's like amazing. the thing that gets me abt this city is that there are very few, in my experiences, areas that can be considered universally "bad parts of town" cause like, you can be on one street and feel like ur walkin through a slum in war-torn Beirut (sp?), but cross over one block and it looks like beverly hills. or dollywood. or somethin just as classy. so yeah, that little bit of difference makes all the difference; this place is on a better street, it's brighter, i dont get leered at everytime i leave my front door, and it's bigger--DEFINITELY not by much, but bigger still, and the added brightness makes it seem even bigger. it was way smaller than i remembered it for a lot of reasons, and i threw my usual pouty hissy fit when i first got here, but i quickly got over it.
especially after we went to ikea.
yo.
ikea and ross will be the death of me. i'm calling it now. when i keel over, my tombstone's gonna read "HERE LIES TRACY--DEATH BY UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO GIVE ROSS AND IKEA ALL HER RENT AND GROCERY MONEY." like--it's fabulous. it's wonderful and perfect and yeah im late i guess, but sheesh. SHEESH. ive seen ikea furniture before, but walking through the store--this weekend was my second time there, and the first time i was pretty much unmoved because i wasnt doing any shopping for myself--that place makes you feel like you, too, can become the world's greatest interior designer and decorate your entire home for less than $79.99. it's dangerous. pricewise we did pretty good though--we got a bed, mattress, mirror, table, lamp, sofa bed, bookcase, chest, a wok, wine glasses (<-- PARTY @ MY PLACE!), and lots of little odds & ends and we spent less than what we had alotted ourselves. now im on this accessorising kick--after seein all the little setups at ikea i got so many ideas, but im way too picky. i went lookin for some stuff today to do things like that with but cldnt find anything because it wasnt *precisely* what i wanted. and too, i didnt have much time. so when i have the extra time and change, that's what i'll be doing, i guess.
i feel incredibly blessed lately.
when good has been given to me, i try to give back in some way, usually by giving money to panhandlers on the street who may very well use that money to further some horrible habit that will likely kill them (thought that counts though, right?). and this is how i know that things are on the upswing--even when im roller coastering, up & down & up & down as i have been lately, i still feel that way. i still feel something big about to happen in my fingertips and thankfully it's something that i can't shake. still, i do have my moments when i just don't want to speak to or look at or think about anyone at all and opt to bury myself in my comforter and dream or cry a little bit. (im probably alone on this, but crying feels GOOD. like, the hard crying, the push all the air out of your lungs and scream it into ur pillow til ur abs hurt type crying. man. that feels so good. & then when its all o ver u just lay all tired and exhausted unable to move and just sink into ur bed or couch or floor or wherever you are. aside from all the depressing shit that usually surrounds that type of crying, it's awesome. sort of like working out--i feel that same sort of feeling afterwards. this is not to imply that ive been doing that kind of crying lately, cause i havent; its been awhile since ive cried at all. just thought i'd say that though. i now return you back to your regularly scheduled blawg). but through all that, im growing, and i really think that these are just things i have to go through to get to where i need to be. ive been thinking that im crazy, like borderline emotionally wrong somewhere, but i dont think that's the case. im just a woman in transition. and transitioning is never easy. unless you have a pair of those Transitions glasses. those look like they transition with little to no problem at all.
anywhom. my mom and aunt are here this week. last night as i lay in bed with my mama i said a prayer and thanked whoever's up there for sending her to me. she has her faults. we all do. and hers are miniscule and not at all unbearable. so many people don't have the luxury of a good mother or even a mother at all; this woman is amazing to me. she's my hero and i love her more than who knows what and she'd love me twice as hard, but it's not possible. she's my best friend--my other best friend (i see u)--and sometimes when we're together and having fun i feel guilty for having moved away. but at the same time, i have wished on several occassions that i had this new place to myself so that i can dance around to Morris Brown in my draws already. lol.. im definitely glad she's here though. i just wish i didnt have to work so i cld spend more time with her-- she's leaving thursday and i prolly wont get to see her again til thanksgiving or crimmus.
my aunt is.. something. definitely a handful. to company, those just meeting her, and those outside the family, she's a delight, a real treat. she's happy, optimistic, laughs loudly and often, and has great teeth; she's very health-conscious, artsy and feminine, very flowery with a sweet, fragrant personality. and all of that is true; she really is those things. but she's also, in my opinion, judgemental, know-it-allish, bossy, nervous, and prone to anxiety attacks. its terrible to say, but a couple of times i wished that it was just my mom and i hanging this week. she got drunk the second night she was here and oooooooooooooohhh lord. i'll talk abt that later. at any rate, the good outweighs the bad, but after awhile i get tired, you know? but i luh me some auntie. im glad to see her, too.
works is still work. i dont want to have to go tomorrow. but i do, so i will. no word from the people who interviewed me last week; the guy is actually out of the office until august 30th, so i dont guess i'll know one way or the other until then. i'ma get back on my resumes and stuff just in case.
somebody remind me (its funny how i say this like ppl are stil readin my blawg; iont think they are. except punk ass dre. hi punk ass dre! *waves w/ middle finger*) to share that passage from Alice Walker's 'Meridian' the next time im up in here. thanks.
lastly but not leastly, i think ive finally learned/am learning what love is. really is.
love is patient and kind and understanding and all that other stuff you learn from r&b songs. love is also mature, adult, and very strong; it is an understanding that shldnt have to be punctuated with flowers and picnics in the park and serenades and the like. it is an ever-present pulse, a wave that never stops waving, an energy that grips you at the core and refuses to let go and warms when that love is near; it is assumed that it will never leave and is always there because it never shows signs or intent of leaving, and even when it does leave it never really leaves, because real love is larger and more impactful than anything else in this whole world; it may weaken, it may dim, but it will never ever go away completely. love is a constant state, not a fleeting notion to hold hands in a movie theatre; its not 'hey babe, i got you some roses,' its 'hey, babe, i got u for whatever you need, any of the things you can't hold in your hand, i have and they're yours even when i dont remind you so.'
but
love is being thoughtful; sometimes love is getting that favorite flower or book by a favorite author when u know they won't expect it, not because you can't have love without books and flowers, but because that simple thoughtful act can likely dwell in ur love's memory forever; or telling him/her they look beautiful when u know they feel like shit because to you they are beautiful because u're in love and u want to do things to make that person feel as good as they make you feel. love is consideration and compassion. love is reciprocation. love is admitting when we're wrong and making honest efforts to correct our mistakes and their fallout. but love does not mean taking the blame for everyone to spare the other party; and love is not putting all the blame on the other. love is not about blame at all; it's about accepting what is and whatever has happened and working together to make things right again, to keep things goes, to make them strong and new again. love is effort. love is a HUGE effort. love requires dedication and sacrifice and change, lots and lots and lots of change. love's definition differs from person to person because we're not all the same and we don't all look at things through the same little hole. but if the main tenants are there, then at the core, everybody has it right.
love is what infatuation wants to be when it grows up. love is more than a deep-deep-like, and that makes love a huge committment, a force that claims all your patience and much of your self-control, and its absolutely terrifying when considered in full. love is hurtful but worth opening our arms to it again and again and again.
love is much more grown up than i figured it to be in the beginning
and love is forgiveness above all, love is forgiveness and acceptance and respect. *always* respect.
& sometimes love is letting go
& sometimes we learn all this too late. i think maybe i did.
but, slow paper's better than no paper (c) lil wayne, right? better late than never.
im tryna get grown, yall. bear with me.
now im goin to sleep. its 11:38 and im already going to sleep.
