hey, guys and guyettes :) its me. finally gettin up off my ass to come do some real writin in this joint.
lots has happened since the last REAL entry, so much that i don't even remember anything. quick updates: i'm still working at IBC, still a temp, still no sign of being permanently hired. im going on 8 months without a perm and struggling to stay cute under such conditions. i haven't seen my family since christmas and i miss them terribly, but i don't have the money or time off to go see them, but i'm doing okay. i have a new niece; my other brother (my father's son) just had a baby girl, kaylie, who i havent seen yet. my grandfather died & i didnt really feel too much abt it, but i am glad he's not suffering anymore. um.. i'm not gaining any weight, which sort of astounds me. and i've started exercising again, bellydancing & pilates right now. i'm now ready to bring some cardio back into my life, too, having run about a mile last night (yes, i ran!) and power walked in the retarded heat for about an hour and some change today. i also bought a jumprope for rainy days. i've recently discovered the redeeming properties of sweat. i want to stick with this new urge; i'm going to try and harness it and ride it on out to better health and a more positive self image.
i found a new apartment. i move in about two weeks and i'm more excited than i cld possibly put into words here. when i get there, i may even invite people over just to hang out, which i like, never do.
and i have an interview on tuesday. i don't want to say too much for fear that i might jinx it, but it appears to be a great job and i feel like i may possibly might have a good shot at landing it. once i find out what's gonna happen either way, i'll tell yall all about it. in the mean & inbetween, keep ur testicles crossed and wish me luck!
also, i've started a story. let's hope i can stick with it this time.
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so i've been here a year. it has undoubtedly been one of, if not the most taxing years of my life. my senior year of college was tough. this one has been tougher because ive had more things ive had to adapt to, but there are similarities--stuggling with change, saying goodbye to people, trying to figure out what i should do with my life. this year, all that was intensified, and it makes me feel very, very good to say that i have been made stronger, that i have grown, that im still growing, and that i have deathly impressed myself with my ability to do so. even if it took a whole year to do, its an ability that i wasnt even sure i had in me.
ive learned a lot. a LOT. mostly about myself, including/mainly the following:
1) the easiest way to lick something is to just put urself out there and do it. either it'll work or it wont. if it doesnt work, you've discovered it in time to find out what will work. and if it does work, there you go.
2) 24 isn't old at all. i have lots of time, but it's important not to squander it by sitting around waiting for things that may or may not fall into your lap, or by dwelling on things, or by simply not trying otherwise.
3) pooping everyday makes a world of difference.
4) hard work really does pay off; thought it's been killing me, the long(er) hours i've been putting in at the job are really, really helping me out. a lot.
5) my dad isn't such a bad guy. i noticed the other day that my feelings toward him are changing; i noticed this when i called him out of the blue, just to say hi. that's the first time i've ever done that in my life. and i actually don't mind talking to him. and he must be softening a little on me too, because when i talked to him, he made a very large deposit in my bank account, more than what i make in one week at the office. so yeah... he's not so bad. and that statement isnt even influenced by the money.
..the money helps, though.
6) im a whole lot braver than i thought i was.
7) having self-confidence and self-esteem can make or break a person. i dont have very much, and i made a huge mistake in looking to the people i love to validate me, to make me feel good about myself; once that validation stopped or changed, i was left trying to figure out what i had done and what was wrong with me, and that obsession became the domino that sent a million other problems tumbling into my life. someone told me that it has to come from within, which is cliche as all hell, but true. im not too sure how to do that, but i have some ideas. once i can turn that around, i'll really feel like a better person, one that people will want to be around.
8) it's always best to do it now. when u know what u need to do, just do it, no matter what. if it's right, u'll reap the benefits that much sooner. (now that i think about it, isnt this what i said in #1? i'm leaving this as #8 too, cause it's *that* important).
9) i'm a highly emotional and often irrational person. i have fought and struggled against these things for a very long time, and now im starting to wonder how futile an exercise this is. i'm sure that i'm extra with it; it would behoove me to tone it down. but at the core, maybe this is just a part of my personality that's here to stay, and maybe it's not such a bad thing. being an emotional person definitely isnt a bad thing; ive always been that way. that's how i read people, via their emotions, and (and this probably isnt such a good thing) i listen to my emotions far more than my brain, which leads to me being irrational and illogical when it comes to certain things that are emotionally important to me. does that make any sense at all? i dont really know how else to describe it. at any rate, i know there's a lot of work to be done there, and im gonna try to giterdone. but i dont want to eradicate that part of me completely; that would suck just as much, i think. emotions are important and healthy. like anything, too much of it is bad, but so is not enough of em.
10) im also a perfectionist, particularly when it comes to my relationships with other people. i always want to be the perfect person for them, i guess; when i fall short, im really hard on myself and i always imagine the worst, that they see me as like this terrible irritating taxing person. there's nothin wrong with wanting to be a good person, but in excess... yeah. im working on that. plus it leads to something else ive recently noticed..
11) i may expect too much out of people. maybe im just too demanding. or maybe im just like my mother. she's never satisfied. no, but seriously; its very possible that in my stretch to be the perfect person, i expect other ppl to do the same, which is unfair. im still not too sure about that; its just speculation right now (though im not ruling out its possibility), because ive also learned that
12) reciprocity is very important. i dont think its asking too much that i be given the same effort, treatment, and consideration that i give other people. ive never been good at asking people for things. i guess i should get better at that.
13) it's not always my fault. all the time; ive always been that way, again, with people that i really care about. it really bothers me to see them sad or upset or feeling bad about something, so i always say 'no, it's my fault' and end up apologizing whether i should or not. i have to stop that. i HAVE to. its very counterproductive to pretty much everything.
14) i can't stop the earth from spinning, nor can i keep things from changing. this doesnt mean that we shld just be passive about things, that if something happens that we don't like, we should just throw up our hands and go 'oh, well, everything happens for a reason, there's nothing i can do.' but we have to be able to identify the races we can win and pick our battles wisely. the only thing constant in the world is change; im doing a lot better with that, but i recognize that i have a ways to go.
so. with all that ive learned, i now know what i have to work on.
-restraint -patience -building self esteem -coolin out & c alming down -finding the courage to write again
all of that is completely doable. and it will be done.
im very excited about life in general, and i havent felt that way in quite some time. ill be a much better person when its all done. im very pleased with the majority of changes going on, and the ones im not pleased about, i recognize that i have to accept them and there's simply no way around it right now. though i lose sight of it, i still believe that everything happens for a reason, or at least i hope it does, and i know that people *can* change. that's important to remember; bad things dont HAVE to stay bad. people can change. and that's a very inspiring thing.
& a special note to You-- i act crazy a lot. i dont know if u see it as acting crazy, but i know im a stormy person lately, and a lot to stomach. and too, i know u probably feel like all the things u tell me when im in one of my moods goes in one ear and right out the other, and i'll be honest, sometimes it does; sometimes i'd rather just wallow, which isnt always the best thing--not always the worst, but certainly not always the best. but i want you to know that even if i dont show it, i do listen, and while walking and thinking today, i realized u're right about a lot of things and ive decided to put them into practice and amend them so that they work for me. so, thanks again; i hope u havent totally forgotten abt the pleasant person i can/used to be.. she's still in there & if she's disappeared at all, she's comin back.
so anyway. that's what's goin on now.
& hey, ive been wantin to do somethin really fun lately... like a trip to the zoo (if anyone besides ihsan and myself like the zoo) or an amusement park, or to a pool or beach (if yall think u cld stomach me in a two piece [and if i can manage to let anybody see me in a two piece in the first place lol]). somethin--somebody let me know!
also, ive been invited up to new york.. anybody goin to shinobishaw's birthday party?
