i don't really feel like updating right now. but i will anyway, i guess. i dont like updating when i dont feel like it cause my entries always come out half-assed.
but whatever.
im home again. its weird. it's different. its definitely different. ive been trying to train myself to better accept change; this is gonna be a tough one to swallow.
my time here has, for the most part, been spent alone, either in my old room or in the living room in the new leather recliner (which is undoubtedly the most comfortable chair ive sat in in a long while). during the day, my mama's at work. my granny's @ day care (i hate having to type that; she's a grown woman, babies and children belong in day care). the girls are in school. their parents are at work. my friends (all two of them) are at work. and the rest of them (the other whole two of them) aren't in louisville anymore.
i don't exactly know what ive come home to.
familiarity, sure. visually, all this is familiar, and it's a welcomed sight, all of it. and ive returned to memories; it tickles me a little bit to lay in this bed and remember me before i moved, before i graduated, all young and dumbly in love on the phone til 6, 7 in the morning, staring out of the very window behind me now, watching the sun come up. and it feels like christmas to me because that's the last time i flew into the city, christmas of last year, and it's getting cold outside, as christmas is. when i come home for christmas im filled with just... i dunno, warmth, for lack of a better term. its so exciting--seeing all my family after being away from so long. its hard to explain but that's what it feels like. i dont mean that the way it sounds, but i can't make it make sense the way it does to me, so, moving on.
other than that, i dont know what else ive come home to. i came here to get away from the anxiety that plagues me more or less on the daily in philly. i did that, but im now dealing with a bunch of different anxieties. sometimes i get a bad case of escapism and i just want to leave this place and run to my comfort zone.
thing is, this is my comfort zone. or it used to be. its supposed to be.
i dont want to make it sound like im not happy to be here, because i am. its just hard to smile sometimes; my grandmother is so depressed that i want to cry just looking at her sometimes, and my mother is so stressed that it makes me want to do the same thing, and they're both frustrated because they feel like nobody understands either of them, and i just dont have the words to tell them that i do understand, more than they know.
we don't smile like we used to in this house.
i try to.. i been grinnin like a bobcat (as my granny says) since i stepped foot in here. puttin up a good front, i guess. and it catches on. but i know that as soon as i leave this house again, 90% of the mirth will walk out with me. and that sucks, man. they don't deserve this.
im used to rippin and runnin when i come home. me and moms, we be everywhere; just in the car headed to anywhere. movies, the mall. family's house. or just for a ride; we always have so much fun when we're out together. but we can't do that anymore because someone always has to be here with my granny when she's home, and that somebody is my mama. so, during the day, it's just me. then moms and grams come home. we eat dinner together, then granny heads directly for her room where she remains for the rest of the evening. my mother follows suit soon after, getting sleepy and going to bed early because she has to get up early in order to get off of work early to go get my granny and still manage to work long enough to make enough money to eat and pay the bills.
my mama doesn't have a life anymore. no, she does. but this is it. its so unfair and i hate that things are like this for her. she's sooooooo stressed out. depressed too, im sure. and i feel so helpless.
and my granny. *sigh* ill never get used to the way she is now. she's feeble, has to walk with a walker--or is supposed to, at least, but she rarely does while she's in the house. she's so broken, man. she's lost a lot of weight and now skin is just hanging off of her bones. something inside of her is gone, both literally and figuratively. the physical weight is gone, and gone with it is her vitality, her happiness, her independence, youth, and drive to just stay alive. she rarely smiles. she and my mother bicker aaaaaaaaall the time. and it sjust because everybody is tense and frustrated because my granny can't be alone. she can't be alone because she wont behave, and she won't behave because she's fighting time so hard, trying to hold on to some bit of her dignity and honor, which she finds in being independent and doing for herself, but she can't do that anymore because she's been sick, and she's been sick because she's old, and getting old strips so much from you and she's not ready to let it go and i understand that. its so understandable.
but what are we to do against it?
she can get better than she is now, but she will never be 20, 30, 40, 50 years old again. we can't do a thing abt that. we also can't make sure she gets better; she is the only one who can ensure that, and to do that she has to behave herself and committ herself to her therapies (verbal and physical) which, of course, she's not doing. see? see the circled pattern that's being painted here?
it sucks, man. this aint my home. this ain't my family.
oh, and my aunts and uncles aren't doing very much to help. my mother had a big fight with one of her sisters, the youngest one, back when my granny had her strokes and they haven't spoken since.
wtf?
i repeat: this is not my family.
but it is my family now. and i gotta get used to it.
sucks. ass.
she's wanted to stay home from day care since ive been here. my mother advised heavily against it because she'd undoubtedly try to take advantage of being here with me and just start doing all kinds of shit she knows she's not supposed to do because she thinks she can get away with it on my watch. im just her granddaughter. she's been helping me out and giving me orders and doing for me all these years. now ima just come up in here and put my foot down and do it to her? yeah right. she thinks she finna truck me like she did my uncle ronald when he was here (she ended up in the basement at one point; at another she was on the front porch with a butcherknife, all while he was in the living room watching a football game. ..wtf). really, id rather not be bothered, so when i volunteered yesterday and was quickly told no by my mother, i was rather relieved. i dont want to risk her doing something and hurting herself while im supposed to be helping/watching/protecting her.
but i saw the look in her eyes after she was told that she'd have to go to daycare and my heart broke. and for real, i know what that feels like. this place is her haven. back when i was in the midst of my semi-annual semi-mid life crisis induced breakdown, my apartment was the only place in the world i wanted to be. i hated work. i hated having to get up and spend the majority of my personal time answering to somebody else. id do anything for a day off, just one day to sit in my own personal little sanctuary where i can forget everything else, forget that im 700 miles from home and lonely, forget that im getting older and have little to show for it, to ignore the little fractures inside my chest. and they help. days off help. i wanted very badly to give that to my granny. it'd be hell for me, but i'd run it if it'd promise an easier day for her.
my uncle ronald was supposed to come up tomorrow to stay with her and visit with me. i offered to stay here with the both of them and moms said it was fine.
now my uncle aint comin no more. now it'll just be me and granny.
*sigh* im nervous/anxious abt it. i dont want no trouble from this lady, man. i know how mad and frustrated she is, but she's not finna walk all over me so she can do some shit that might hurt her just bc she wants to do it. i want her to feel good and be happy, but more than that, i want her safe. and that's why my mama acts the way she does; that's why she gets so mad and why her manner is so short with her these days. she just wants to keep her safe.
but i wonder abt that. what right have we to make the unhappy even unhappier just because we want them safe? what if they'd rather die than live a tortured life?
i dunno.
im a little annoyed at having to get up at 8, 9 in the morning on one of my days off, but that's a small price to pay. it'll mean a lot to her.
i just hope the day goes smoothly.
i cant believe its friday already. ill be back in philly before u know it. my mama wants me to stay a little longer, but i cant. my ticket's nonrefundable. plus i dont wanna stay here and get used to being here and figure out some way to be happy abt everything here, cause as soon as that happens itll be time to go and ill be sad and cryin and shit and i dont want to have to go through all that.
this isnt quite what i was expecting. i guess i shld have, but i didnt.
my mama's guyfriend came over to have dinner with us today. they retreated to the basement afterwards. i had to go downstairs to give her the telephone at one point and i saw them on the couch. she was sitting in the far right corner with her left arm around him. he had both arms wrapped tight around her waist, his head laying on her stomach. ordinarily that would have made me feel very uncomfortable and just weird. but i was happy to see it. im happy she has that sanctuary in him; when shit starts spinning out of control, that's what we need, that's exactly what we need, someone to wrap their arms around us and anchor us down to keep us from floating up and away, trapped and caught in the whirlwind of everything thats going wrong. that's what kept me sane during the rough parts of my life when i had access to it. love was really the only thing that got me through. as hallmarky as that sounds, and i hope she loves him. i hope she's in love with him and i hope that he keeps those arms open for her whenever she needs them as she moves through this trial because i fear its going to get far worse before it gets better. i wont be here to hold her.
no, literally. im who knows how many thousands of miles in the air as i type this. i wont actually post this til im safe on land again, of course. but right now, im on an airplane. i flew out of philly at about 10:15 this morning. destination: cleveland, oh. got to cleveland just before 12:30 and got on another plane. destination this time: home.
:o)
at about 1:44ish, i'll be landin in good ol louisville, ky, after being away from semi-southern soil for nearly a yr (i think the last time i was at home was christmas/new yrs, which isnt too far away). ive been meaning to come here for nearly a week to document the story of this pending trip, but ive been busy. or ive just been black. whatever the case, im just now gettin to it.
so. let's rewind to, oh, let's say... i dunno, whenever i had that interview with those young handsome black 50% unmarried technology CEO execs. when was that? it was a wednesday. can't have been this last wednesday, so the wednesday before. which was... the 11th. wednesday, october 11th. it was raining, i remember, cause i used hairpins to keep the bottoms of my pants from dragging the ground and getting wet. i won't spend too much time on the actual interview, cause i think ive already blawgged abt what happened here. i want to spend a minute on this part, though, cause its important:
as the interview drew to a close and we got to that part that i hate, the part where they ask you, the interviewee, if u have any more questions (i never do). my question was, 'so when can i expect to hear from you guys again?' i had told them earlier the story of the bastard @ penn who took his sweet time in the form of 2 whole weeks to let me know that i didn't get the job, and they rolled their eyes and shook their heads and just cldn't believe that ppl actually do business that way. so they assured me i'd hear from them friday, because they needed someone ASAP. sweet. i had one day to fret and wring my hands over whether or not they'd offer me the position or not. and then i'd know, one way or the other. which is really all i wanted.
so, friday comes. im at work with my cell phone out on my desk, watching it and waiting. i knew that they all left their office promptly at 4:30, so if i didn't hear from them by then, i was pretty sure i wldn't be hearing from them at all. so time ticks and tocks its way to lunch. then to 2:00. then 3.
i guess it was around this time that my phone did ring. but, it wasn't them; i let it go to voicemail, then retreated to the bathroom to check the message the caller left (the production nazi's at that office don't want us to even touch our cellphones while we're on the clock). leaving the message was a woman named alex, very young-sounding, saying that they had received my resume the week earlier and wanted to schedule an interview. when she said the name of the company, i recalled sending my resume to them, but until then, i had forgotten all abt it. i really wanted to hold out for the job @ drexel, but it's best to cover all ur bases, right? so i called back. set up an interview for 5:00 the coming tuesday.
back at my desk, i fumed a little bit as 4:30 came and went without a peep from the dudes, but really, i wasnt too surprised. that's happened more times than i cared to remember, and i resolved not to dwell on it. or to roll past their office and and spraypaint 'XYZ TECHNOLOGY HATES CRACKAS' on their storefront window, as i had an urge to do. i just took the L and kept it moving.
i called the other place i was to be interviewing with--it was an engineering company downtown--the day before to confirm. i spoke with alex again; she reminded me to bring my references with me.
tuesday comes. i get to work. start thinkin abt the interview and notice i left my references at home.
*sigh*
and it was raining again. pretty hard.
*sigh again*
i'd scheduled the interview for 5 so that i wldn't have to leave work early, and i ended up having to leave at 3 anyway to go aaaaall the way back home and then come aaaaall the way dwntwn. i didn't wanna be unprepared. so, i go get my references and get back to the spot with nearly 30 minutes to spare. the interview started shortly after; i was met by the vice president of the company, whose name is mark, i believe, and i think i liked him immediately. he looked like liam nieson. i like liam nieson.
for awhile it was just he and i talking, and mostly it was he talking. i pretty much just smiled real big and laughed when i felt it appropriate and shook my head and made my eyes wide with attentiveness. he's an easy goin guy. married, i happened to glance at his ring finger (not with any intent, mind u, but im sayin. ....im just sayin.). it's weird, he's got the kind of demeanor that's easy to mistake as... aloof? kinda rough edged, maybe; i cant put my finger on it, but it's something almost bordering brash and short-tempered. but he's not. at least i don't think he is; he just comes off that way.
im gonna speed this up b/c i think they're gonna make us put up our electronicalistical devices soon, and i wanna get this done before then.
soon we're joined by another guy, short and kind of odd looking. very long, thin nose with lots of nostril, salt & pepper hair, very near to having a unibrow, and an overall unpleasant face. or an unpleasant expression, at least. he doesn't seem that he laughs a lot.
anyway, long story short, they talk a lot; they ask me why i went to a school named transylvania and what kind of writing i do. they talk some more. towards the interview, unibrow looks at liam nieson and says
'okay, so what do u wanna do?' then he looks at me and says 'i already know he wants to hire you.'
outwardly, of course, i do the 'im highly amused at the joke you just made' professional style laugh. inside, however, i am doing the 'muhfucka this aint nothin to laugh and joke about!!' eye roll. i started thinking abt my meeting with the tech CEOs and my interview with the assjack at penn and how well they both went. i picked up the pattern pretty quickly, and now here i was again on a great interview. i decided not to get excited abt what was just said.
..until i heard liam lookalike say:
'yeah, let's do it.'
*record scratch*
er, scuse me? do what?
.....
son. SON. SON!!
them cats offered me the job on the spot!!
!!!!
WTF!
at this pt im having trouble keeping up with what is being said cause im gushing and panicking because i don't really have much time to think abt the job and i don't know how much it pays. while im trying to stay in my seat i hear them telling me that they'd been interviewing people for two weeks and had been tardy with making their decisions; the first two people they offered the job too had taken positions elsewhere, and they decided that the next time they found someone that they liked, they'd go ahead and offer him/her the job on the spot. they told me they liked my resume and my personality. i guess that was enough.
they also laughed at what i was currently being paid @ my temp gig. like, literally. they laughed. more like a guffaw, if the distinction means anything.
'heheh, yeah.. that's not much at all.'
in my head im like... muhfka fix it then!
and they did. oh, they did.
ill be getting paid ten thousand dollars more per year than i was gettin @ the temp gig. plus opportunities for overtime. plus 2 wks paid vacation. plus sick days. plus BENEFITS. BEN.UH.FITS!!!!
dude. im goin to so many drs, u dont even know.
and get this! they asked me when i wanted to start. !!! i told them id like to be professional and do the whole 2 weeks notice thing--of course not intending to finish my two weeks @ the temp job. i wanted that time to rest up, plus fly home and see granny nem. but, they said they comdpletely understood and that they wldnt mind at all, cause that's what they'd want from an employee of theirs. then the hardassed unibrow cat says
'yeah, and im sure u'd wanna take a couple days for yourself just to rest up before u start this new job.'
!!!
so, i start the new gig november 6th. :) as soon as i officially accepted the job, which i did the next day (it's a really simple admin assistant position, by the way), i started making plans for this trip home. and my next day at the temp gig was my last. i went in and quit that day. first i called my staffing company and broke the news to them. i was very polite and apologetic, but the lady i spoke to go real nasty with me. she mad cause she losin money, of course, but i mean, really. if she had to choose btwn bustin her butt at a failing business office with no benefits and zero job security in the face of a fulltime gig with full benefits, WAY more money and paid time off, what chu think she'd pick??
exactly.
typically i'da told her about herself, but i was in a good mood and felt like showing her up by being nice to her. everyone in the office was sad to see me go, but happy to see me get out of that sespool of stress and depression.
so yeah. if things are gonna go the way i think they're gonna go, things are really gonna start changing for me. for the better. for the waaaaaay better.
this will be an interesting week at home. im nervous to see everybody. ill update tomorrow or sometime soon with some notes on how it goes.
there was something in her that welcomed winter this year. she lived last winter with the warmth of arms around her that kept her from learning of the redeeming qualities of ice and numbness. til then, she had been water, easily heated, in need of some container to give her shape, and always thirsty for sugars and creams, anything to dress her up, to fill her. now she lingered at room temperature, at the mercy of the changing season. winter would bring stability.
she envied trees.
whatever warmth they needed, they found in themselves, she figured; they were brash enough to let go of their leaves, the dancers that clamored around their limbs and branches, dancing to block out the breeze and keep the core dry when it rained.
year round, they stood silent, watching things die without worry. they saw love turn to dust before their eyes and without their tentacled leaves, felt nothing. it was they who did all the feeling. it was they who reacted to the breeze. in winter, trees crave ice to help them better withstand the elements; they thirst for numbness to fuel their arrogance and insulate them til thaw.
she wanted a chance to thaw. she tried desperately to stop the hot flow of the rivers beneith her skin, to chill the directionless passion eating away at her heart, to shake loose her own leaves and lock her own bones in place and lean them against the wind while her trueness slept quietly in a ball in the warmest part of her, hidden away til things changed.
perhaps winter would help her.
and in spring she wld buy her own flowers; she wld not depend on being handed them by man or earth
and when he finally began to see her again, her, and not what she had become, and when he gave her the shy, timid smile he gave her before love ravished them both, she wld give him a daisy or a primrose
but she wld always save the sunflowers for herself.
lots of things to talk about. -job search -brittany -brother -granny -friends -mouse -book -boys -love -me
in that order, i guess. ------------ job search.
im still lookin for a job. after that interview with the guy at penn, i got kinda bummed and slacked up on my search. but when i found out i didn't get that position, i emailed the guy a thank you and told him to hold on to my resume just in case he hears about another position i may be good for.
some time later, i get a phone call from a lady at va medical center here in the city. she said that she's got a position as head administrative assistant opening soon, within the next two weeks of the placing of that call, and that she was given my resume by the guy who turned me down. she said to look for the posting in about two weeks, and in the meantime she'd email me information about that job.
gig paid 40 gs a year.
..........
im sure u can imagine the amount of daydreaming my broke ass did.
so i wait, and i look, and i check to see if it's up, and i dont see it, and i email to ask if its up yet, and she says no, check back in about a week, and i resolve to do so. soon i get an email from her saying that the posting won't go up because the girl who was going to be leaving that position decided to stay.
*sigh* disappointment #2.
so i bitched about that a bit, then got back on the resume ball. i had an interview this past wednesday with a technology company on drexel's campus. from what i know of the company... they bankin. and get this.
two ceos. both black. both young. both male. both cute!! one married, one unmarried (u know the first thing i did was look at ring fingers).
the interview went really really, well, i thought. really relaxed atmosphere, prolly cause we was all black up in that room, lol. i didn't feel quite as nervous. plus i wanted the job really badly, especially when i saw how well they seem to be doing. plus the guys were really nice; funny, easy going, but about they business. i was funny, charming, and smiled really big. they seemed to like me.
i asked them when i cld expect to hear from them; after having to wait a week and some change for the guy from penn to email me and let me know that i didn't get the job, i didn't want to be faced with another such wait. they said friday. i said thanks.
friday has come and gone. haven't heard from them.
i did hear from some other lady though, someone else i sent my resume to. i have an interview with them on tuesday at 5.
if the brothers don't want me, gotta keep it movin.
wish me luck.
-------- britt.
she called me a couple/few weeks ago, i forget which day. i didn't answer. she left a message; i dont remember what it said. she called back about a week ago and we spoke. it was weird; she misses me. i know this because she said 'i miss you' like every five minutes. she also mentioned a few times moving to philly if i know how long i'll be here, or me moving to wisconsin up there with them.
i remember vividly candis, brittany and i talking, i forget where, but it was somewhere on campus; candis was saying something like
'yall know yall are gonna be next door neighbors, livin side by side, sittin on the porch hollerin at yall's kids together.'
(this was not long after she's fallen in love with richard and was in the beginning stages of pulling away)
britt and i turned to each other at the same time. simultaneously, one of us said 'yeah, prolly,' the other shook her head and said 'umm.. naw.' lightly, of course. guess which one of us said which?
and now she wants to move hundreds of miles away to be near me again, after keeping me at bay for three years? she made it clear then that she wasn't too interested in anything like that. it's very weird now to think that she's regressing. maybe her honeymoon is over. maybe she sees where she was wrong. i dont know.
ive been wanting/meaning to let my friends closer to the inner circle of myself for awhile now, because i am tired of feeling so lonely. i mean i dont want a shitload of friends. tell you the truth, one good one is and always has been enough for me--problem with that, though, is that when u put all ur eggs in one basket... yeah. u know what happens. and it's happened to me. twice. im finally learning my lesson, i guess. but anyway, ive always been kind of lonerish, but im the kind of loner that needs just one other person to be a loner with, lol. i dont really feel like i have that anymore. having her here would be great.
but, i dont want to have her move all the way out here just cause im out here. suppose things stay weird? id feel bad.
im digressing a bit.
so anyway, we talked, had a nice convo, etc etc. about two days later, i get an email from gene saying that a reporter friend of his at the ny times needs help with an article he's writing about cohabitating, unmarried couples. britt and richard are the only two i cld think of, so i call her cell to ask if she/they'd be interested. he answers. i run the idea by him, tell him to run it past brittany and to have her call me. he says okay.
the next day, i think, brittany calls me.
'hey, did richard tell u about the article?'
'yeah. guess what?'
'what?'
'me and richard are married.'
....
'nu uh.'
'yu huh.'
'..nu uh!'
'yu huh!'
'what?!'
apparently, they got married because richard got sick and didnt have any insurance (which leads me to wonder whether or not he is still without a job), and that's the sole reason they got hitched. quick justice of the peace joint in the park. i was like 'so i mean, what about all that 'i wanna be with you forever' stuff?' she was like yeah, that too, but i can be with him forever without a piece of paper saying so.
so. they're married. she's a married woman, has been since around her birthday. and im the only person who knows.
well, aside from whoever's reading now. so don't tell nobody, k?
but she said they didnt tell anybody cause its not a big deal.
*shrug*
crazy.
---------------
my big brother's birthday was thursday. he's 32 yrs old. i called him at work and actually heard his voice for the first time in MONTHS. i'd been trying to get in touch with him for a long while, but hadnt been having any luck; i call him at work, get his voicemail, leave a message, dont get a call back. call his cell, same thing happens. i didnt worry though; my mama kept in contact with him, so as long as she was speaking to him, i knew he was alright. and he's been at home every weekend since my granny got sick.
he broke up with that crazy ass broad again, so i guess he's finding a new place--why he's leaving the house, i dont know, her bitch ass dont even stay in indianapolis during the week, but whatever. and i guess he's just been very stressed with things, which i understand--when im stressed i dont really feel like talking to ppl either. but it was good to her from him; he said he and cousin jumbo are gonna come and visit me. i told him let me know and i'll see about gettin us some tickets to a sixers game.
i miss him.
------------ granny.
*sigh*
*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*
what a trial.
firstly, she's much worse off than i was originally told. my mama didn't want me to worry. she likely won't be able to walk without a walker again, there was some brain damage, and it may be awhile before she can eat and drink regular foods and liquids. in spite of all this, she's at home now. she's been there since last tuesday, i think, not this past one, but the tuesday before. my mother took that week off to sit at home with her and keep an eye on her and all that jazz. there's a nurse and a therapist that stop by the house to give her the therapy, medicines, special foods, and whatever else she'll need that we don't have to give her.
she's not swallowing correctly. as such, whatever she swallows has to be thickened, so they bring her the only foods and drinks she can have. she hates them. she already said, before she left the nursing home she was in temporarily, that she intends on going back to cooking and eating her own meals no matter what anybody says. she hasn't been cooking, at least, but that very first night, she waited until my mother was asleep--and she has to sleep, she can't stay awake and standing over her 24/7--she went into the kitchen and drank a glass of pepsi. that pepsi went straight into her lungs.
the next night, she got up and ate a bowl of cereal. that cereal went straight into her lungs.
when fluids and other foreign things get into the lungs, you get pneumonia. if she gets pneumonia, she cld die.
they tell her this. everyday they tell her this. doesn't do any good.
long story short, she's a handful. my mom and one of my aunts aren't speaking because of a fight they had concerning my granny. my brother says he's scared that once my granny passes the family's gonna fall apart due to cantankerous fighting among my aunts, uncles, and my mother (moreso the women than the men). it's nerve racking. im afraid and i feel really helpless; i was gonna try and fly home sometime this month, but in addition to not having the time off or the money, im just scared and very hesitant to be in that environment. more than anything, im scared to see my granny in the condition she's in now. i don't know if i'll be able to handle it.
i'm gunning for a week at home during christmas. if the opportunity for me to go before presents itself, then i'll go. i think she'll still be around during christmas, but. you never know.
u just never know.
------------- friends.
i still don't really have any. none that i didn't have before, anyway. im now recognizing the need for new ones.. im lonely a lot. so, im workin on it.
im gonna do some volunteering at a spot out here, and im also gonna take a writing class at ccp. or pcc. or whatever its called. maybe that'll turn up some friendly faces. who aren't unreasonably weird.
wish me luck there, too.
---------------- mouse.
there's one of them motherfuckers underneath my refrigerator.
he must pack up and move or die before this weekend is over.
that's all.
--------------- book.
im tryin to write one. it's goin okay.. i work on it while im at the job.
im losing momentum lately. still, for the first time in a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time, i feel confident in my talents and abilities. and that feels amazing.
im gettin lazy with this blog entry. lol.. i dont really have too much more to say abt it. just wish me luck with that as well.
------------- boy.
*SIIIIIIIIIGH*
they chasin me yo. and i dunno what to do.
at least three are interested and are making their intentions known. it's kind of freaking me out.. when i was in a relationship, i was ferociously faithful. feverishly so. didn't flirt, didn't wink, didn't dream, none of that. it's very hard to get that out of my system b/c i still got feelings for my dude, as he does for me. part of me is still in girlfriend mode. the other part recognizes that there's nothing holding me back, nothing that shld keep me from enjoying being again on the receiving end of the stuff i miss, the stuff i feel was prematurely taken from me. the compliments, the flattery, the flirting. that's what ive been missing. and now it's here again, from a few different angles. still, im freezing up. still, id just rather not talk to them sometimes.
i am trying to work on it though.
ive decided definitely to start dating again. i cant sit on my ass forever waiting for something that may or may not be scheduled to boomerang back to me, and that's the raw truth.
but even though i know that, i still stall. i still dance around topics and questions, im still a horrible flirt.
im a dork.
but. life's tryin to go on. i just need to roll with it. i'll learn to.
--------------- love.
*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* again.
there's so much i cld say abt it, but i wont.
this breakup shit is hard. and sometimes, i forget that that's all that's wrong with me. when im layin on my back staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out why i cant get over ab&c, why im still sad about xy&z
its cause im in the middle of a breakup. like, duh. this is all natural, i guess. i just worry that it's lingering too long. and at times like this it always feels like ur life is ending until one day u just happen to blink and see the sun out of the corner of ur eye and then
things arent so bad. that's what im waitin for. but i cant figure out if i shld just sit and wait for it or if i shld be doing something to make that happen.
the first one is always the worst. ive never done this before. and i have noooooooo idea what im doing.
erbody says just give it time time time time time time
nigga im runnin out of time. life aint but so long.
and the weathers getting colder. cold weather reminds me of us. it was cold when we went to myrtle beach. cold when i came here to do my apartment hunting. got cold shortly after i got here when things were still okay. that's gonna make it pretty tough.
i dunno. long story short, the whole thing is just frustrating. and confusing. this wld be much easier if we'd had a huge fight, like if he had verbally abused me or i had cheated on him or something. but we're good ppl. we're good to each other. that makes this really hard.
i dunno, i dont wanna get into all this here cause quite frankly its nunna yalls bidness. lol
but its a whirlwind. and its tiring. it drains me and makes me angry with god adn sometimes it makes me wish i was just numb in a coma, not feeling anything.
i am getting there, though. im far better off than i was--i used to be sad 24/7. then i went to roller coastering; im up, and im down, and im up, and im down. im still roller coastering, but my down periods don't last nearly as long; im getting better and better at pickin myself up, which is an amazing feat. so i guess the down times will get shorter and shorter and shorter and then, no down times at all.
and at that point, we'll either be together again, or we wont.
thinkin abt one of those options is scary sometimes. but, that's when i just gotta suck it up and put my faith and trust in the fact that im being taken care of by some higher power, and by law of the universe or some boho shit like that, what's supposed to be will be, and that whatever happens will ultimately be the best for both of us.
that's easier said than done. it doesnt always offer solace. but i believe that though. i hope i believe it.
if this doesnt kill me my spirit will be able to bench press like a hundrillion million tons when all this is over.
still, i dont regret anything ive ever done, nor any choice that ive ever made.
shit's still wack, tho. but im trying.
dang, i said way more than i intended to abt all that.
-------------- me.
im hanging in there. im growing and changing, and it feels good to recognize that.
my self esteem is way up. amped about that.
i still have a very, very long way to go though.
if u love me, pray for me. if u don't pray, then send me some positive energy.
i just know (finally) that i deserve so much more than what i have now, what ive been getting, what ive been given, and what ive allowed myself. now im finna go get it.
