lots of things to talk about. -job search -brittany -brother -granny -friends -mouse -book -boys -love -me
in that order, i guess. ------------ job search.
im still lookin for a job. after that interview with the guy at penn, i got kinda bummed and slacked up on my search. but when i found out i didn't get that position, i emailed the guy a thank you and told him to hold on to my resume just in case he hears about another position i may be good for.
some time later, i get a phone call from a lady at va medical center here in the city. she said that she's got a position as head administrative assistant opening soon, within the next two weeks of the placing of that call, and that she was given my resume by the guy who turned me down. she said to look for the posting in about two weeks, and in the meantime she'd email me information about that job.
gig paid 40 gs a year.
..........
im sure u can imagine the amount of daydreaming my broke ass did.
so i wait, and i look, and i check to see if it's up, and i dont see it, and i email to ask if its up yet, and she says no, check back in about a week, and i resolve to do so. soon i get an email from her saying that the posting won't go up because the girl who was going to be leaving that position decided to stay.
*sigh* disappointment #2.
so i bitched about that a bit, then got back on the resume ball. i had an interview this past wednesday with a technology company on drexel's campus. from what i know of the company... they bankin. and get this.
two ceos. both black. both young. both male. both cute!! one married, one unmarried (u know the first thing i did was look at ring fingers).
the interview went really really, well, i thought. really relaxed atmosphere, prolly cause we was all black up in that room, lol. i didn't feel quite as nervous. plus i wanted the job really badly, especially when i saw how well they seem to be doing. plus the guys were really nice; funny, easy going, but about they business. i was funny, charming, and smiled really big. they seemed to like me.
i asked them when i cld expect to hear from them; after having to wait a week and some change for the guy from penn to email me and let me know that i didn't get the job, i didn't want to be faced with another such wait. they said friday. i said thanks.
friday has come and gone. haven't heard from them.
i did hear from some other lady though, someone else i sent my resume to. i have an interview with them on tuesday at 5.
if the brothers don't want me, gotta keep it movin.
wish me luck.
-------- britt.
she called me a couple/few weeks ago, i forget which day. i didn't answer. she left a message; i dont remember what it said. she called back about a week ago and we spoke. it was weird; she misses me. i know this because she said 'i miss you' like every five minutes. she also mentioned a few times moving to philly if i know how long i'll be here, or me moving to wisconsin up there with them.
i remember vividly candis, brittany and i talking, i forget where, but it was somewhere on campus; candis was saying something like
'yall know yall are gonna be next door neighbors, livin side by side, sittin on the porch hollerin at yall's kids together.'
(this was not long after she's fallen in love with richard and was in the beginning stages of pulling away)
britt and i turned to each other at the same time. simultaneously, one of us said 'yeah, prolly,' the other shook her head and said 'umm.. naw.' lightly, of course. guess which one of us said which?
and now she wants to move hundreds of miles away to be near me again, after keeping me at bay for three years? she made it clear then that she wasn't too interested in anything like that. it's very weird now to think that she's regressing. maybe her honeymoon is over. maybe she sees where she was wrong. i dont know.
ive been wanting/meaning to let my friends closer to the inner circle of myself for awhile now, because i am tired of feeling so lonely. i mean i dont want a shitload of friends. tell you the truth, one good one is and always has been enough for me--problem with that, though, is that when u put all ur eggs in one basket... yeah. u know what happens. and it's happened to me. twice. im finally learning my lesson, i guess. but anyway, ive always been kind of lonerish, but im the kind of loner that needs just one other person to be a loner with, lol. i dont really feel like i have that anymore. having her here would be great.
but, i dont want to have her move all the way out here just cause im out here. suppose things stay weird? id feel bad.
im digressing a bit.
so anyway, we talked, had a nice convo, etc etc. about two days later, i get an email from gene saying that a reporter friend of his at the ny times needs help with an article he's writing about cohabitating, unmarried couples. britt and richard are the only two i cld think of, so i call her cell to ask if she/they'd be interested. he answers. i run the idea by him, tell him to run it past brittany and to have her call me. he says okay.
the next day, i think, brittany calls me.
'hey, did richard tell u about the article?'
'yeah. guess what?'
'what?'
'me and richard are married.'
....
'nu uh.'
'yu huh.'
'..nu uh!'
'yu huh!'
'what?!'
apparently, they got married because richard got sick and didnt have any insurance (which leads me to wonder whether or not he is still without a job), and that's the sole reason they got hitched. quick justice of the peace joint in the park. i was like 'so i mean, what about all that 'i wanna be with you forever' stuff?' she was like yeah, that too, but i can be with him forever without a piece of paper saying so.
so. they're married. she's a married woman, has been since around her birthday. and im the only person who knows.
well, aside from whoever's reading now. so don't tell nobody, k?
but she said they didnt tell anybody cause its not a big deal.
*shrug*
crazy.
---------------
my big brother's birthday was thursday. he's 32 yrs old. i called him at work and actually heard his voice for the first time in MONTHS. i'd been trying to get in touch with him for a long while, but hadnt been having any luck; i call him at work, get his voicemail, leave a message, dont get a call back. call his cell, same thing happens. i didnt worry though; my mama kept in contact with him, so as long as she was speaking to him, i knew he was alright. and he's been at home every weekend since my granny got sick.
he broke up with that crazy ass broad again, so i guess he's finding a new place--why he's leaving the house, i dont know, her bitch ass dont even stay in indianapolis during the week, but whatever. and i guess he's just been very stressed with things, which i understand--when im stressed i dont really feel like talking to ppl either. but it was good to her from him; he said he and cousin jumbo are gonna come and visit me. i told him let me know and i'll see about gettin us some tickets to a sixers game.
i miss him.
------------ granny.
*sigh*
*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*
what a trial.
firstly, she's much worse off than i was originally told. my mama didn't want me to worry. she likely won't be able to walk without a walker again, there was some brain damage, and it may be awhile before she can eat and drink regular foods and liquids. in spite of all this, she's at home now. she's been there since last tuesday, i think, not this past one, but the tuesday before. my mother took that week off to sit at home with her and keep an eye on her and all that jazz. there's a nurse and a therapist that stop by the house to give her the therapy, medicines, special foods, and whatever else she'll need that we don't have to give her.
she's not swallowing correctly. as such, whatever she swallows has to be thickened, so they bring her the only foods and drinks she can have. she hates them. she already said, before she left the nursing home she was in temporarily, that she intends on going back to cooking and eating her own meals no matter what anybody says. she hasn't been cooking, at least, but that very first night, she waited until my mother was asleep--and she has to sleep, she can't stay awake and standing over her 24/7--she went into the kitchen and drank a glass of pepsi. that pepsi went straight into her lungs.
the next night, she got up and ate a bowl of cereal. that cereal went straight into her lungs.
when fluids and other foreign things get into the lungs, you get pneumonia. if she gets pneumonia, she cld die.
they tell her this. everyday they tell her this. doesn't do any good.
long story short, she's a handful. my mom and one of my aunts aren't speaking because of a fight they had concerning my granny. my brother says he's scared that once my granny passes the family's gonna fall apart due to cantankerous fighting among my aunts, uncles, and my mother (moreso the women than the men). it's nerve racking. im afraid and i feel really helpless; i was gonna try and fly home sometime this month, but in addition to not having the time off or the money, im just scared and very hesitant to be in that environment. more than anything, im scared to see my granny in the condition she's in now. i don't know if i'll be able to handle it.
i'm gunning for a week at home during christmas. if the opportunity for me to go before presents itself, then i'll go. i think she'll still be around during christmas, but. you never know.
u just never know.
------------- friends.
i still don't really have any. none that i didn't have before, anyway. im now recognizing the need for new ones.. im lonely a lot. so, im workin on it.
im gonna do some volunteering at a spot out here, and im also gonna take a writing class at ccp. or pcc. or whatever its called. maybe that'll turn up some friendly faces. who aren't unreasonably weird.
wish me luck there, too.
---------------- mouse.
there's one of them motherfuckers underneath my refrigerator.
he must pack up and move or die before this weekend is over.
that's all.
--------------- book.
im tryin to write one. it's goin okay.. i work on it while im at the job.
im losing momentum lately. still, for the first time in a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time, i feel confident in my talents and abilities. and that feels amazing.
im gettin lazy with this blog entry. lol.. i dont really have too much more to say abt it. just wish me luck with that as well.
------------- boy.
*SIIIIIIIIIGH*
they chasin me yo. and i dunno what to do.
at least three are interested and are making their intentions known. it's kind of freaking me out.. when i was in a relationship, i was ferociously faithful. feverishly so. didn't flirt, didn't wink, didn't dream, none of that. it's very hard to get that out of my system b/c i still got feelings for my dude, as he does for me. part of me is still in girlfriend mode. the other part recognizes that there's nothing holding me back, nothing that shld keep me from enjoying being again on the receiving end of the stuff i miss, the stuff i feel was prematurely taken from me. the compliments, the flattery, the flirting. that's what ive been missing. and now it's here again, from a few different angles. still, im freezing up. still, id just rather not talk to them sometimes.
i am trying to work on it though.
ive decided definitely to start dating again. i cant sit on my ass forever waiting for something that may or may not be scheduled to boomerang back to me, and that's the raw truth.
but even though i know that, i still stall. i still dance around topics and questions, im still a horrible flirt.
im a dork.
but. life's tryin to go on. i just need to roll with it. i'll learn to.
--------------- love.
*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* again.
there's so much i cld say abt it, but i wont.
this breakup shit is hard. and sometimes, i forget that that's all that's wrong with me. when im layin on my back staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out why i cant get over ab&c, why im still sad about xy&z
its cause im in the middle of a breakup. like, duh. this is all natural, i guess. i just worry that it's lingering too long. and at times like this it always feels like ur life is ending until one day u just happen to blink and see the sun out of the corner of ur eye and then
things arent so bad. that's what im waitin for. but i cant figure out if i shld just sit and wait for it or if i shld be doing something to make that happen.
the first one is always the worst. ive never done this before. and i have noooooooo idea what im doing.
erbody says just give it time time time time time time
nigga im runnin out of time. life aint but so long.
and the weathers getting colder. cold weather reminds me of us. it was cold when we went to myrtle beach. cold when i came here to do my apartment hunting. got cold shortly after i got here when things were still okay. that's gonna make it pretty tough.
i dunno. long story short, the whole thing is just frustrating. and confusing. this wld be much easier if we'd had a huge fight, like if he had verbally abused me or i had cheated on him or something. but we're good ppl. we're good to each other. that makes this really hard.
i dunno, i dont wanna get into all this here cause quite frankly its nunna yalls bidness. lol
but its a whirlwind. and its tiring. it drains me and makes me angry with god adn sometimes it makes me wish i was just numb in a coma, not feeling anything.
i am getting there, though. im far better off than i was--i used to be sad 24/7. then i went to roller coastering; im up, and im down, and im up, and im down. im still roller coastering, but my down periods don't last nearly as long; im getting better and better at pickin myself up, which is an amazing feat. so i guess the down times will get shorter and shorter and shorter and then, no down times at all.
and at that point, we'll either be together again, or we wont.
thinkin abt one of those options is scary sometimes. but, that's when i just gotta suck it up and put my faith and trust in the fact that im being taken care of by some higher power, and by law of the universe or some boho shit like that, what's supposed to be will be, and that whatever happens will ultimately be the best for both of us.
that's easier said than done. it doesnt always offer solace. but i believe that though. i hope i believe it.
if this doesnt kill me my spirit will be able to bench press like a hundrillion million tons when all this is over.
still, i dont regret anything ive ever done, nor any choice that ive ever made.
shit's still wack, tho. but im trying.
dang, i said way more than i intended to abt all that.
-------------- me.
im hanging in there. im growing and changing, and it feels good to recognize that.
my self esteem is way up. amped about that.
i still have a very, very long way to go though.
if u love me, pray for me. if u don't pray, then send me some positive energy.
i just know (finally) that i deserve so much more than what i have now, what ive been getting, what ive been given, and what ive allowed myself. now im finna go get it.
