i don't really feel like updating right now. but i will anyway, i guess. i dont like updating when i dont feel like it cause my entries always come out half-assed.
but whatever.
im home again. its weird. it's different. its definitely different. ive been trying to train myself to better accept change; this is gonna be a tough one to swallow.
my time here has, for the most part, been spent alone, either in my old room or in the living room in the new leather recliner (which is undoubtedly the most comfortable chair ive sat in in a long while). during the day, my mama's at work. my granny's @ day care (i hate having to type that; she's a grown woman, babies and children belong in day care). the girls are in school. their parents are at work. my friends (all two of them) are at work. and the rest of them (the other whole two of them) aren't in louisville anymore.
i don't exactly know what ive come home to.
familiarity, sure. visually, all this is familiar, and it's a welcomed sight, all of it. and ive returned to memories; it tickles me a little bit to lay in this bed and remember me before i moved, before i graduated, all young and dumbly in love on the phone til 6, 7 in the morning, staring out of the very window behind me now, watching the sun come up. and it feels like christmas to me because that's the last time i flew into the city, christmas of last year, and it's getting cold outside, as christmas is. when i come home for christmas im filled with just... i dunno, warmth, for lack of a better term. its so exciting--seeing all my family after being away from so long. its hard to explain but that's what it feels like. i dont mean that the way it sounds, but i can't make it make sense the way it does to me, so, moving on.
other than that, i dont know what else ive come home to. i came here to get away from the anxiety that plagues me more or less on the daily in philly. i did that, but im now dealing with a bunch of different anxieties. sometimes i get a bad case of escapism and i just want to leave this place and run to my comfort zone.
thing is, this is my comfort zone. or it used to be. its supposed to be.
i dont want to make it sound like im not happy to be here, because i am. its just hard to smile sometimes; my grandmother is so depressed that i want to cry just looking at her sometimes, and my mother is so stressed that it makes me want to do the same thing, and they're both frustrated because they feel like nobody understands either of them, and i just dont have the words to tell them that i do understand, more than they know.
we don't smile like we used to in this house.
i try to.. i been grinnin like a bobcat (as my granny says) since i stepped foot in here. puttin up a good front, i guess. and it catches on. but i know that as soon as i leave this house again, 90% of the mirth will walk out with me. and that sucks, man. they don't deserve this.
im used to rippin and runnin when i come home. me and moms, we be everywhere; just in the car headed to anywhere. movies, the mall. family's house. or just for a ride; we always have so much fun when we're out together. but we can't do that anymore because someone always has to be here with my granny when she's home, and that somebody is my mama. so, during the day, it's just me. then moms and grams come home. we eat dinner together, then granny heads directly for her room where she remains for the rest of the evening. my mother follows suit soon after, getting sleepy and going to bed early because she has to get up early in order to get off of work early to go get my granny and still manage to work long enough to make enough money to eat and pay the bills.
my mama doesn't have a life anymore. no, she does. but this is it. its so unfair and i hate that things are like this for her. she's sooooooo stressed out. depressed too, im sure. and i feel so helpless.
and my granny. *sigh* ill never get used to the way she is now. she's feeble, has to walk with a walker--or is supposed to, at least, but she rarely does while she's in the house. she's so broken, man. she's lost a lot of weight and now skin is just hanging off of her bones. something inside of her is gone, both literally and figuratively. the physical weight is gone, and gone with it is her vitality, her happiness, her independence, youth, and drive to just stay alive. she rarely smiles. she and my mother bicker aaaaaaaaall the time. and it sjust because everybody is tense and frustrated because my granny can't be alone. she can't be alone because she wont behave, and she won't behave because she's fighting time so hard, trying to hold on to some bit of her dignity and honor, which she finds in being independent and doing for herself, but she can't do that anymore because she's been sick, and she's been sick because she's old, and getting old strips so much from you and she's not ready to let it go and i understand that. its so understandable.
but what are we to do against it?
she can get better than she is now, but she will never be 20, 30, 40, 50 years old again. we can't do a thing abt that. we also can't make sure she gets better; she is the only one who can ensure that, and to do that she has to behave herself and committ herself to her therapies (verbal and physical) which, of course, she's not doing. see? see the circled pattern that's being painted here?
it sucks, man. this aint my home. this ain't my family.
oh, and my aunts and uncles aren't doing very much to help. my mother had a big fight with one of her sisters, the youngest one, back when my granny had her strokes and they haven't spoken since.
wtf?
i repeat: this is not my family.
but it is my family now. and i gotta get used to it.
sucks. ass.
she's wanted to stay home from day care since ive been here. my mother advised heavily against it because she'd undoubtedly try to take advantage of being here with me and just start doing all kinds of shit she knows she's not supposed to do because she thinks she can get away with it on my watch. im just her granddaughter. she's been helping me out and giving me orders and doing for me all these years. now ima just come up in here and put my foot down and do it to her? yeah right. she thinks she finna truck me like she did my uncle ronald when he was here (she ended up in the basement at one point; at another she was on the front porch with a butcherknife, all while he was in the living room watching a football game. ..wtf). really, id rather not be bothered, so when i volunteered yesterday and was quickly told no by my mother, i was rather relieved. i dont want to risk her doing something and hurting herself while im supposed to be helping/watching/protecting her.
but i saw the look in her eyes after she was told that she'd have to go to daycare and my heart broke. and for real, i know what that feels like. this place is her haven. back when i was in the midst of my semi-annual semi-mid life crisis induced breakdown, my apartment was the only place in the world i wanted to be. i hated work. i hated having to get up and spend the majority of my personal time answering to somebody else. id do anything for a day off, just one day to sit in my own personal little sanctuary where i can forget everything else, forget that im 700 miles from home and lonely, forget that im getting older and have little to show for it, to ignore the little fractures inside my chest. and they help. days off help. i wanted very badly to give that to my granny. it'd be hell for me, but i'd run it if it'd promise an easier day for her.
my uncle ronald was supposed to come up tomorrow to stay with her and visit with me. i offered to stay here with the both of them and moms said it was fine.
now my uncle aint comin no more. now it'll just be me and granny.
*sigh* im nervous/anxious abt it. i dont want no trouble from this lady, man. i know how mad and frustrated she is, but she's not finna walk all over me so she can do some shit that might hurt her just bc she wants to do it. i want her to feel good and be happy, but more than that, i want her safe. and that's why my mama acts the way she does; that's why she gets so mad and why her manner is so short with her these days. she just wants to keep her safe.
but i wonder abt that. what right have we to make the unhappy even unhappier just because we want them safe? what if they'd rather die than live a tortured life?
i dunno.
im a little annoyed at having to get up at 8, 9 in the morning on one of my days off, but that's a small price to pay. it'll mean a lot to her.
i just hope the day goes smoothly.
i cant believe its friday already. ill be back in philly before u know it. my mama wants me to stay a little longer, but i cant. my ticket's nonrefundable. plus i dont wanna stay here and get used to being here and figure out some way to be happy abt everything here, cause as soon as that happens itll be time to go and ill be sad and cryin and shit and i dont want to have to go through all that.
this isnt quite what i was expecting. i guess i shld have, but i didnt.
my mama's guyfriend came over to have dinner with us today. they retreated to the basement afterwards. i had to go downstairs to give her the telephone at one point and i saw them on the couch. she was sitting in the far right corner with her left arm around him. he had both arms wrapped tight around her waist, his head laying on her stomach. ordinarily that would have made me feel very uncomfortable and just weird. but i was happy to see it. im happy she has that sanctuary in him; when shit starts spinning out of control, that's what we need, that's exactly what we need, someone to wrap their arms around us and anchor us down to keep us from floating up and away, trapped and caught in the whirlwind of everything thats going wrong. that's what kept me sane during the rough parts of my life when i had access to it. love was really the only thing that got me through. as hallmarky as that sounds, and i hope she loves him. i hope she's in love with him and i hope that he keeps those arms open for her whenever she needs them as she moves through this trial because i fear its going to get far worse before it gets better. i wont be here to hold her.
