i give and i give and i give and i give and i bend til i almost break and then i stop only long enough to straighten up so i can bend some more
and then i give some and i give some and i give some more til its all gone
and then i start volunteering internal organs
sometimes without so much as a thank you & usually without a kidney or a liver or something offered up in return
i dont know if this is always healthy and ive tried to stop several times but i literally and physically cant when it comes to ppl i care abt and when it comes to ppl i love? forgetabtit.
i dont give to receive but if karma is real, its high time for a payback
i am either the best friend/whateveriam in existance, or the prettiest doormat there ever was.
i am very discouraged tonite god willing, itll be gone by morning
well maybe lots hasnt happened... i havent gotten fired yet so im still workin at the new place
i like it. i think its changing me some, for the better i wrote abt it in a confession wednesday post @ okp (im sort of posting again now... only at work when things are slow tho. im still sorta leavin it alone)
this job makes me incredibly nervous in the beginning i was convinced i cldnt do it, even though there's really not much to do i just know that they require a polished, professional and confident demeanor whilst working im good on two out of three of those, though my corporate wardrobe isnt as fly as it shld be (im workin on that tho)
i have/had like zero confidence that's nothin new to this blawg though so i wont go into that but there's no place for all that at this job i gotta step outside my boxes and fears and push the anxiety out of the way to do the things i need to do otherwise im fired and i aint finna lose this job
i feel like that mindset is spilling over into the rest of my life and my personal dealings which feels really good when im sane enough to feel it
which brings me to this: i feel like ive figured out why ive been so crazy lately.
birth control!
im so mad that it was such a revelation to me; cause really, that's tamperin with hormones its so logical and natural that it wld fuck w/ ur mood and boy does it ever; mine, specifically ive been takin a generic version of orthotricyclin-lo and i found all this stuff online, all these forums with women talkin abt how orthotricyclin-lo made them terribly depressed
i dont know that ive been depressed cld be that i have been and just didnt wanna admit it but i know that my mood has been veeeerry up and down when i was up, i was way up when i was down i was on the floor cryin my eyes out horrendous swings
its very possible that the pill caused it, and im really really hoping that it did because man talk about an esteem boost to know that this whole time ive been far more capable, likeable, and competant than my body allowed me to be? cause ive always been very ashamed of the way ive dealt with things since moving, and ive put a lot of pressure on myself to do what ive always known i can do cause like i physically and literally and figuratively have not felt like myself since ive moved here and maybe this is why.
now, there's no guarantee, of course, and ive been trying not to get excited abt it b/c i dont wanna be let down if things dont get better sans the pill (soon as i started reading up on the net, i stopped takin my pill; im not even gonna look into gettin another right now, i just want my body to relax and mindstate to return) but really, i cant help but be excited do u know how big this wld be? do u know how much happier and confident and inspired ill be without the mood swings?
they've really made me and kept me pretty miserable; i cldnt really see it til now (note: this is during the end of my last pack of pills, during the inactive ones. the ones with no hormones in them. dudring this time im always happier, more upbeat; far more logical and a lot less sensitive), and, in my opinion, have made the ppl close to me miserable too for having to deal with me all that cld change all that cld get better very soon im bubbling over
if nothing else im hoping that this excitement has the potential to psyche my mind into being happier
but, there is danger in all of this ive been trying to be careful not to, but i think im starting to believe that once my mood and body go back to being like they were before the pill (its been 2 yrs, right before i moved out here), then everything will go back the way things were i cant afford to believe that cause when its not delivered, ill be really upset. and as far as all that goes, things are still confusing but not as much since ive stopped the active pills; its easier to look at the good in the friendship rather than focusing on the bad; i dont obsess and project so much anymore and its easier to just appreciate what we have for what it is
that doesnt mean i dont want for things.. it means that i know that i can't wait forever i cant waste my youth diddlin myself and wishing for things that are slow to come or just not destined
and i will not wait forever its easier to make that proclamation
somebody's gonna get a great girl woman a great woman through all my fears, i know this, and i wont settle anymore
still, i get lonely and i remember a lot, a whole lot, and i mourn things that are no longer there i guess i will for awhile maybe forever
i caint get hung up on it no more tho, man.. not no more im gon fuck around and become an old cat lady hopin for a married man to call her and confess what she's known all along, then run off on a white horse or some shit
im as tired of talkin abt it as i am of feelin it its gonna work out, no matter what happens probably/maybe not like i want, but the best will be.
happy tracy has been the goal, and it feels nearer. here's hoping.
and praying.
in other news, my granny was put back in the hospital after a seizure she's back in a nursing home but will be back at home soon
my mama might have to have her gallbladder removed
i gotta start treatin my body better.
i guess that's all i care to report at the moment ciao!
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& to u-
thank u so much for everything- im overjoyed, beyond words.
