i dont mean romance as in flower petals on the bedsheets and my favorite flower being sent to me at work.
but unbridled hope in the face of what by all measures seems to be a hopeless cause, a ferocious clinging to that 1% chance that if you just pray hard enough, u can will the ship to stay afloat.
over the yrs ive watched some ppl close to me become cynical and pretty much hopeless when it comes to most matters in life. i have to say that it's not very attractive, and its definitely not something i want for myself. but i do admit, tho, when i was younger, i was far brighter, sunnier, and optimistic than i am now. and that's common and inevitable. we're all like that until we've actually lived life and have seen that it's not always strawberries, kittens, and rainbows. still, though, i cannot help but hold out for the story book ending, even after hoping has hurt me so much in the past.
hope for the best, prepare for the worst. ive said that that's going to be my game plan from here on out. but, i dont prepare for the worst so much as i fear it, and hoping for the best typically turns into wishing. both are counterproductive, i think. living in fear isnt really living at all, and when u wish for something in hopes of getting it, it typically leads into waiting until you *do* get whatever it is. and a life spent waiting isnt really a life at all, is it?
im at a crossroads. i dont want to let bad experiences get the best of me and sour me on life. i want to be stronger than that. i wish everyone was stronger than that. but at the same time i dont want to hope and hold out for things that may never come because i dont want to set myself up to be let down again.
i obsess over things these days. i hold in one eye a picture perfect existence, and to my romantic eye it seems perfectly logical and attainable. yet they remain spinning wrecklessly in a space above my hands, and i just don't understand why, so i think abt them and think abt them and think abt them, as if i devote enough of my personal time and energy to it, the answers will reveal themselves
assuming that it's answers i even need in the first place i hate open doors i cant walk away and leave them that way right now, i cant think of a single closed door in my life im babbling lol like i havent been babbling the whole time but anyway, maybe i dont know what i need.
i think i do need hopefulness though. that's what helps us get through the day without our necks breaking beneath the pressure of being beneath life's foot. i need hopeful ppl around me so that i dont feel like the only idiot with her head in the clouds abt every damn thing.
but, i need hopefulness without delusion; i need hopefulness while keeping my feet steadfastly on level ground. is that possible? can u have ur head in the clouds & ur feet on the ground?
i dunno.
all i know is that there's still a candle burning in my theoretical window and as of now, it's done nothing but singe the curtains; it makes me wait when i know i shldnt be waiting and it makes me wish for things that im 99% sure arent meant for me and wont come to me.
any other time, it'd be inspiring. but when its hurting you, it makes u never want to believe in anything ever again.
this is not strictly abt love but it includes it
i prolly sound gloomy, but im not. im confused. that's the theme so far this yr. ive been nothin but confused abt the majority of things going on. i just need to know how to strike that balance. romance, in spite of what some ppl believe, isnt stupid. its not a total waste. its can be a lifesaver.
it was cool. got to go home for a whole week. got sick/had an allergy attack christmas day that im still trying to shoo out of my system.
the flight in to louisville was a motherfucker. my flight out of philly was delayed two hours, so i missed my connecting flight in cincinatti and another one wasnt leaving until like 6, 7 the next morning. i was PISSED. cincy is only a couple of hrs away from louisville, and the flight was 40 hours.. i was not excited about sleeping in an airport for either of those options.
moms cldnt come get me. pops was busy. i missed the last bus out of cincy to louisville by like 30 minutes.
thankfully, my friend sean was giving/insane enough to make the drive up to pick me up and drive me home.
its dope to know ppl who will do things like that for you.
it was good to be at home. it was kind of sobering, though; more than anything it was a reminder that im not a kid anymore, that im growing older, more adult, and more mature every day, and quicker by the second, it seems. the thrill of christmas is largely gone, and fading; it was exhausting for me and felt more like a chore at times than a celebration. but, overall, i had a very good time being with family i rarely see and those i see more often; it felt good to be surrounded with ppl who wanted to be near me. it reminded me how lonely philadelphia is. i definitely was not ready to come back here.
i also realized exactly how bad my granny has gotten. she can barely walk anymore. her speech hasnt gotten any better. she's more depressed than she ever has been, and--here's the one thing i never fully believed--her mind really has suffered. my mother has always talked abt how senile she's getting; i never believed it. she's always had such a sharp mind, and she's always been the type to feign slow-wittedness/helplessness at times to get ppl to feel sympathy for her or do things for her.
after spending this week with her, i finally see that's not the case.
she likely won't get any better. i feel so sad and horrible for her, and for my mother, too, who is killing herself trying to take care of this woman and keep her out of a nursing home, because she's convinced that if she puts her mother in a nursing home, she'll die. literally. and she may be right.
sigh. i wish i cld help her. both of them. i wish i cld just fix everything. i feel so guilty being here living well, nice job, enjoying free time (though it's not much anymore), while stress and frustration are threatening the home base.
its depressing to know that i cant control the situation. but, im learning to be flexible; sean and i started a novel awhile ago (and by started, i mean that he began it and i never followed through with my part)... in it, he wrote that his main character wears a rubber band around his wrist to remind him to be flexible. i thought that was kinda dope, so from then on, ive been keeping one around my wrist too. it helps. it helps with anxiety over not being able to control some things; it doesnt make me feel good abt not being able to control them, though, if that makes sense.
its hard to get used to. i hate it when things are out of my hands. and it seems like everything is these days.
and maybe they always have been; the emptier my hands get, the more i wonder how full they were in the first place.. today, i cant tell sometimes if im becoming resigned or just cynical or if im honestly lifting my palms to the sky for a final blessing of their contents & then turning them over with faith in where the pieces will fall. i wonder about your palms. i wonder how sturdy they were back then; i wonder if they were as full as your heart was and i wonder what happened that made them so slick. i feel like.. i dunno, like if u wld have just told me, i cld have helped u hold on; the very first moment u felt that seed in your hands, if u wld have just told me then, i cld have helped you throw it out before it had a chance to take root and rot. i wish u wld have talked to me. i wonder what our hands wld feel like today.
but yeah. out of my hands. im getting better at dealing with that. *tugs on rubber band*
so anyway. i didnt want to come back to philly. it wld be the first new year's eve that id spend alone and i was NOT at all looking forward to it for a lot of reasons that i dont care to dig up again. i was worried that i'd be anxious abt some things and just have a miserable time, but im honestly pleased with the way i handled things. i flew back in town on the 29th. the morning of the 30th, i woke up at 8:30 and got to cleaning up my place, top to bottom, floors and everything. i didnt want to go into 2007 with any more dirt and baggage and remnants than i had to. and it makes/made sitting inside far more enjoyable and less stressful.
later that night, i went to go see a movie in jersey with someone i was hoping wld be a potential friend. boy was i wrong. that likely wont be happening again. still, it was good to be up and out and moving and not thinking abt things i didnt want to think about.
the next day, new yr's eve, i took some time and totally pampered myself.. long shower, shaved all my body hair (finally, lol it had been so long, im ashamed) ... manicure, pedicure, got sexy, threw on some heels and just looked in the mirror and felt really good about what i saw for awhile. i had been invited to a couple of places, but i wasnt really feeling much like celebrating. so, i took myself to the movies to see 'dreamgirls.' it started at 9:50 and let out 7 minutes into the new year. i made some calls, sent some text messages. thought about stopping at a bar or something, somewhere with some noise and people to talk to. but, it was late and i decided id rather be at home, so i walked back through the streets of west philly just as fine as i cld be, praying that none of the gunshots ringing around my head would ring too close.
came home, climbed in the bed, had a glass of wine, fell asleep about 1, 1:30 and slept very, very well.
truth be told, im not a party girl. it was lonely as shit, but i enjoyed the night, and wldnt mind spending next new year's eve like that. only with someone else, cuddled up on the couch with a bottle of wine and the remote, flippin thru the different new yr's eve celebrations.. talkin abt the old year, plannin for the next one.. sharin a smooch as the ball drops, then maybe another glass of wine before retiring.
i am so lonely these days. lonelier than i think i have ever been in this city. i cant allow myself to live like this forever. ive been thinking about moving home lately. i swore off moving back home awhile a go because i dont want to feel like im tucking my tail between my legs and running back because things here were too much for me. and im not doing that.. i want to stay here. i want things to be good enough for me here for me to stay here. but if they're not, man.. time is ticking. gotta do what's best for me.
i feel sort of... i dunno. horribly lonely, lol and oddly, that loneliness makes me not want to be around or talk to anybody right now, so im done with the net for the night and im just gonna hop in the shower and go to bed.
u have been a motherfucker to me. undoubtedly the worst year of my life, for several reasons detailed here both explicitly and crypticly (sp?), both in published and published blawg entries. fuck u to death. im glad ur gone.
but cliche as it sounds, i feel a billion times smarter now than i was this time last year, stronger too. most definitely; i was a weak idiot little girl last year. ive been through enough since then to officially consider myself a woman, which is a laudable thing. so in that, 2006 has also managed to be the most important yr ive experienced as well.
but 06 definitely was not sweet. and believe me, i tried to make it so. i doctored vinegar the whole length of that year just certain that if i tried hard enough and waited hard enough that shit wld turn into the sweetest wine ever made. now i know better.
im not making any new yr's resolutions. im just gonna change things to make sure that i never have a year like 2006 again.
the right thing to do is never easy. ever. that being said, im gonna work on preparing myself to make some very hard decisions that i hope i won't have to make.
but if i have to, i will. im 24 & the earth's rotation isnt slowing any time soon. im alive, but i aint livin; im too caught up on what i want rather than what i need & i gotta get things moving. i dont wanna wake up one morning and find that im 56 yrs old with nothing to show for it.
i got a lotta work to do on me. that's the thing: i really need to concentrate on me. this whole year, in spite of myself & in spite of knowing better, ive been concentrating on making things easier for the ppl around me; ive been waiting on things when i knew i shldnt have been. someone let me go so that he cld go for his; it hurt, but i understand now. the right road to take is never the smoothest one.
so, im looking at my feelings first now. im looking at what will be best for me. im gonna experiment with treating ppl the way they treat me instead of treating them the way i want to be treated and hoping that it happens; that takes a lot of energy, and i dont have a lot of that anymore. gotta build some more up.
but in the course of that, i want to stay as close to my friends as i am, particularly my best friend. i dont want to lose anything there; we've been through so much and have invested so much time in it, itd be a shame to see it all fall apart. i know that ive done my part plus some to see that it doesnt happen. and ill keep trying, but i also need to realize that im not superwoman. i cant save the world or control everything in it.
im gonna start volunteering. in spite of all my bitching, ive been really blessed, and i want to give back.
im gonna spend less time on the internet & on the computer. i want to be too busy for it.
and god help me, i am going to get in shape. i need to feel healthier, point blank period. after watching my granny deteriorate, im obsessed with it lately; take care of urself now so that u dont have to go thru that shit later. im also stressing that my family and friends do the same thing; i want us all here on this earth for as long as possible. i dont want to have to watch this happen to anybody else i love.
and im gonna keep letting my guard down. or trying to, anyway. i need closer friends. im pleased and impressed with the progress ive made so far. its a slow process, and it makes me nervous sometimes for a lot of reasons, but i will persist. these are the reasons i usually stay so guarded anyway... gotta get outta that. my life is lonely as fuck, man, and i dont wanna be lonely anymore. but ive been doing it to myself. gotta change that.
and im going to write. im going to write. im going to write. im going to start a project and finish it. im going to get serious abt what i want to do, and what i want to do is write. ive never been able to call myself a writer. i always say 'i want to write,' or 'i like to write' or 'im a pretend writer' or 'im trying to be a writer.'
fuck that
im a writer
and a good one
i just need to steel myself and put my talents to work so that they can begin to work for me. im gonna do that.
if the things in my life that bring me so much grief and anxiety and stress continue, its my own fault. just like india says, 'u'll only have yourself to blame if u continue to live this way.' damn right. its all on me now.
im afraid, but im optimistic. god willing, ima kick life in its ass & then make it shine my shoes.
hello, 2007. we're gonna get along famously.
i hope u'll be as friendly with my peoples, too. :)
