ya mama got jell-o feet w/ fruit in the toes.

confessions of a romantic mind.

mine will likely be the death of me.

i dont mean romance as in flower petals on the bedsheets and my favorite flower being sent to me at work.

but unbridled hope in the face of what by all measures seems to be a hopeless cause, a ferocious clinging to that 1% chance that if you just pray hard enough, u can will the ship to stay afloat.

over the yrs ive watched some ppl close to me become cynical and pretty much hopeless when it comes to most matters in life. i have to say that it's not very attractive, and its definitely not something i want for myself. but i do admit, tho, when i was younger, i was far brighter, sunnier, and optimistic than i am now. and that's common and inevitable. we're all like that until we've actually lived life and have seen that it's not always strawberries, kittens, and rainbows. still, though, i cannot help but hold out for the story book ending, even after hoping has hurt me so much in the past.

hope for the best, prepare for the worst. ive said that that's going to be my game plan from here on out. but, i dont prepare for the worst so much as i fear it, and hoping for the best typically turns into wishing. both are counterproductive, i think. living in fear isnt really living at all, and when u wish for something in hopes of getting it, it typically leads into waiting until you *do* get whatever it is. and a life spent waiting isnt really a life at all, is it?

im at a crossroads. i dont want to let bad experiences get the best of me and sour me on life. i want to be stronger than that. i wish everyone was stronger than that. but at the same time i dont want to hope and hold out for things that may never come because i dont want to set myself up to be let down again.

i obsess over things these days. i hold in one eye a picture perfect existence, and to my romantic eye it seems perfectly logical and attainable. yet they remain spinning wrecklessly in a space above my hands, and i just don't understand why, so i think abt them and think abt them and think abt them, as if i devote enough of my personal time and energy to it, the answers will reveal themselves

assuming that it's answers i even need in the first place
i hate open doors
i cant walk away and leave them that way
right now, i cant think of a single closed door in my life
im babbling
lol like i havent been babbling the whole time
but anyway, maybe i dont know what i need.

i think i do need hopefulness though. that's what helps us get through the day without our necks breaking beneath the pressure of being beneath life's foot. i need hopeful ppl around me so that i dont feel like the only idiot with her head in the clouds abt every damn thing.

but, i need hopefulness without delusion; i need hopefulness while keeping my feet steadfastly on level ground. is that possible? can u have ur head in the clouds & ur feet on the ground?

i dunno.

all i know is that there's still a candle burning in my theoretical window and as of now, it's done nothing but singe the curtains; it makes me wait when i know i shldnt be waiting and it makes me wish for things that im 99% sure arent meant for me and wont come to me.

any other time, it'd be inspiring. but when its hurting you, it makes u never want to believe in anything ever again.

this is not strictly abt love
but it includes it

i prolly sound gloomy, but im not. im confused. that's the theme so far this yr. ive been nothin but confused abt the majority of things going on. i just need to know how to strike that balance. romance, in spite of what some ppl believe, isnt stupid. its not a total waste. its can be a lifesaver.

but man o man
what an iceburg it can be, too.

and thus, tracy remains answerless.