it was cool. got to go home for a whole week. got sick/had an allergy attack christmas day that im still trying to shoo out of my system.
the flight in to louisville was a motherfucker. my flight out of philly was delayed two hours, so i missed my connecting flight in cincinatti and another one wasnt leaving until like 6, 7 the next morning. i was PISSED. cincy is only a couple of hrs away from louisville, and the flight was 40 hours.. i was not excited about sleeping in an airport for either of those options.
moms cldnt come get me. pops was busy. i missed the last bus out of cincy to louisville by like 30 minutes.
thankfully, my friend sean was giving/insane enough to make the drive up to pick me up and drive me home.
its dope to know ppl who will do things like that for you.
it was good to be at home. it was kind of sobering, though; more than anything it was a reminder that im not a kid anymore, that im growing older, more adult, and more mature every day, and quicker by the second, it seems. the thrill of christmas is largely gone, and fading; it was exhausting for me and felt more like a chore at times than a celebration. but, overall, i had a very good time being with family i rarely see and those i see more often; it felt good to be surrounded with ppl who wanted to be near me. it reminded me how lonely philadelphia is. i definitely was not ready to come back here.
i also realized exactly how bad my granny has gotten. she can barely walk anymore. her speech hasnt gotten any better. she's more depressed than she ever has been, and--here's the one thing i never fully believed--her mind really has suffered. my mother has always talked abt how senile she's getting; i never believed it. she's always had such a sharp mind, and she's always been the type to feign slow-wittedness/helplessness at times to get ppl to feel sympathy for her or do things for her.
after spending this week with her, i finally see that's not the case.
she likely won't get any better. i feel so sad and horrible for her, and for my mother, too, who is killing herself trying to take care of this woman and keep her out of a nursing home, because she's convinced that if she puts her mother in a nursing home, she'll die. literally. and she may be right.
sigh. i wish i cld help her. both of them. i wish i cld just fix everything. i feel so guilty being here living well, nice job, enjoying free time (though it's not much anymore), while stress and frustration are threatening the home base.
its depressing to know that i cant control the situation. but, im learning to be flexible; sean and i started a novel awhile ago (and by started, i mean that he began it and i never followed through with my part)... in it, he wrote that his main character wears a rubber band around his wrist to remind him to be flexible. i thought that was kinda dope, so from then on, ive been keeping one around my wrist too. it helps. it helps with anxiety over not being able to control some things; it doesnt make me feel good abt not being able to control them, though, if that makes sense.
its hard to get used to. i hate it when things are out of my hands. and it seems like everything is these days.
and maybe they always have been; the emptier my hands get, the more i wonder how full they were in the first place.. today, i cant tell sometimes if im becoming resigned or just cynical or if im honestly lifting my palms to the sky for a final blessing of their contents & then turning them over with faith in where the pieces will fall. i wonder about your palms. i wonder how sturdy they were back then; i wonder if they were as full as your heart was and i wonder what happened that made them so slick. i feel like.. i dunno, like if u wld have just told me, i cld have helped u hold on; the very first moment u felt that seed in your hands, if u wld have just told me then, i cld have helped you throw it out before it had a chance to take root and rot. i wish u wld have talked to me. i wonder what our hands wld feel like today.
but yeah. out of my hands. im getting better at dealing with that. *tugs on rubber band*
so anyway. i didnt want to come back to philly. it wld be the first new year's eve that id spend alone and i was NOT at all looking forward to it for a lot of reasons that i dont care to dig up again. i was worried that i'd be anxious abt some things and just have a miserable time, but im honestly pleased with the way i handled things. i flew back in town on the 29th. the morning of the 30th, i woke up at 8:30 and got to cleaning up my place, top to bottom, floors and everything. i didnt want to go into 2007 with any more dirt and baggage and remnants than i had to. and it makes/made sitting inside far more enjoyable and less stressful.
later that night, i went to go see a movie in jersey with someone i was hoping wld be a potential friend. boy was i wrong. that likely wont be happening again. still, it was good to be up and out and moving and not thinking abt things i didnt want to think about.
the next day, new yr's eve, i took some time and totally pampered myself.. long shower, shaved all my body hair (finally, lol it had been so long, im ashamed) ... manicure, pedicure, got sexy, threw on some heels and just looked in the mirror and felt really good about what i saw for awhile. i had been invited to a couple of places, but i wasnt really feeling much like celebrating. so, i took myself to the movies to see 'dreamgirls.' it started at 9:50 and let out 7 minutes into the new year. i made some calls, sent some text messages. thought about stopping at a bar or something, somewhere with some noise and people to talk to. but, it was late and i decided id rather be at home, so i walked back through the streets of west philly just as fine as i cld be, praying that none of the gunshots ringing around my head would ring too close.
came home, climbed in the bed, had a glass of wine, fell asleep about 1, 1:30 and slept very, very well.
truth be told, im not a party girl. it was lonely as shit, but i enjoyed the night, and wldnt mind spending next new year's eve like that. only with someone else, cuddled up on the couch with a bottle of wine and the remote, flippin thru the different new yr's eve celebrations.. talkin abt the old year, plannin for the next one.. sharin a smooch as the ball drops, then maybe another glass of wine before retiring.
i am so lonely these days. lonelier than i think i have ever been in this city. i cant allow myself to live like this forever. ive been thinking about moving home lately. i swore off moving back home awhile a go because i dont want to feel like im tucking my tail between my legs and running back because things here were too much for me. and im not doing that.. i want to stay here. i want things to be good enough for me here for me to stay here. but if they're not, man.. time is ticking. gotta do what's best for me.
i feel sort of... i dunno. horribly lonely, lol and oddly, that loneliness makes me not want to be around or talk to anybody right now, so im done with the net for the night and im just gonna hop in the shower and go to bed.
