ya mama got jell-o feet w/ fruit in the toes.

i wonder how much it costs to save one's soul.

what wld u give to save yours?
ive been weighing mine lately. ive decided im worth more than ive been alotting myself. i think maybe ive known that for a very long time. ive known a lot of things for a very long time, but ive avoided them. been too scared to face and accept. reality is like that. scary.

that's why ive been so idealistic, i guess. the same reason ppl pray. no one wants to believe that this is it. no one wants to believe that its all in their hands. god's there. god's listening; god will fix it if i just pray and believe hard enough.
this isnt all there is for me. Someday is out there. its far away, but its alive, and if i believe hard enough, i'll catch it. it'll come to me.

maybe it is out there. lately ive been wondering abt the potential harm in being idealistic. sure there's harm in it. but how much?

i think its fucking hilarious what ppl choose to be idealistic about. in one breath, they speak so calmly, cooly, and collectedly abt the importance of being realists, the dangers of idealism, of getting your hopes up, of chasing a dream; abt how not being hopeful is not a bad thing, its just a completely logical way of looking at things. the healthiest way. and in the next breath they go on and on, painting the most colorful picture of their soul, soaked with fire and stars in its eyes.

we are idealistic abt the things we want.
we are idealistic abt the things we dont' want. that makes sense, i guess. power of positive thinking.

as far as which is healthier, though, idealism or realism, i think they're both lethal at their extremes.
any extreme is a bad thing. too feminine. too masculine. too emotional. too logical. its myopic.

i am becoming less and less idealistic abt things. i dont know yet whether that's good or bad.

one thing that is becoming clearer, though, is that i have been afraid to put myself first, and i cant afford to do that much longer. realistically speaking.
i dont have to be unhappy right now. its 95% my fault. maybe 90.

im gonna do something abt it though. i got a plan and everything to lose.
the trick will be to be careful enough to protect what i do have, but wreckless, ruthless, and aggressive enough to get what i deserve.

ive put my heart back in my chest where it belongs.

im tired of myself.

i dont know if i'll be updating here very often anymore.


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"u cant get blood from a stone."

word.

\o/



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