ya mama got jell-o feet w/ fruit in the toes.

chatty kathy.

i feel like yick yackin.

first. good news & bad news.

good news is i got a comment box up & workin again.
bad news is i lost all my past comments.

i guess the qualizing news is that yall never leave me no comments anyway. no harm, no foul.

let's see. it's sunday. tomorrow is memorial day. i don't have to go to work; it is the first holiday i've had off from work since new year's day and it will be the last one i have as long as im workin at B&Y. a long time ago, i'd agree to go with candis to transy's graduation, not knowing that it was on memorial day. an equally long time ago, i'd agreed to go to my brother's friend joe's wedding, also not knowing it was on memorial day. joe invited himself to and drove aaaaaaall the way down to my graduation from detroit last may. and gave me a hunnert bucks as a gift. i felt sort of obligated to go, so i told candis i cldn't go to graduation with her.

truth be told, i would have rather not gone to either. ive forgotten what it feels like to spend a weekday just layin in the bed, not showering, being blatantly lazy and restful. i miss it. but, i felt like i had to go to joe's wedding. and plus all efforts to talk my mama out of going failed. travis was supposed to be a groomsman, but he had 2 ppl quit on him at work and the only person who could have covered for him, her husband died the day before. so he was stuck.

i come to find out, though, that the wedding is not on memorial day, as i thought i'd heard it said. what i'd actually heard was that it was during memorial day weekend--it was yesterday. and it was catholic.

it was boring.

but it was quick. and punctual. started on time, ended less than an hr later. it was my first brush with catholicism; i'd thought i'd had one before, but i think it was just a dream i'd had after watchin a movie once when i was younger.

it was called precious blood parrish in owensboro, kentucky. yo man, we had to drive through hickville, indiana to get there. seriously. like, more country than anything ive EVER seen in kentucky. we passed this little store called the 'hillbilly mall flea market.' i locked my doors so hard when i seen that joint.

anyway.

the church was very pretty. it wasnt the huge, grand, ornate temple of wealth and prestige. nearly everything was wooden (the pews aint have no padding yo.. sup w/ that? my ass was uber sore), a very pretty, light colored wood. cedar perhaps? i dont know trees and wood like i do flowers. there was no discernible front of the sanctuary; the pulpit (if that's what its called in catholic churches, too) was in the center of the room with rows of pews on either side. i thought that was neat. confusing, but neat; when we walked in, we walked in on the side where no one was sitting (the ushers was seating everyone on the other side).. i looked at all the empty seats like 'is this the choir stand? their choir must be HUGE!'

but, tweren't no choir. i think i expected one, but wasnt surprised when there wasnt one.

you know
i was once told of a woman who left a denomination because they didnt do the sort of joyful and exciting singing and expressing that blk baptist folk do, even though she agreed with all the endoctrination and stuff. i said that i could sort of see it, but honestly, that is a pretty superficial thing on the surface. i couldnt find the words to express why i could understand that, but i think i can now after the wedding.

it seems that black baptist churches sing much of the same songs, with variation. of course there's the standard negro spirituals, such as:

-swing low, sweet chariot
-(there is a) balm in gilead
-steal away
-o freedom

and so forth.
and then there's the black gospel staples, such as:

-victory is mine
-i know ive been changed
-i know it was the blood

and so forth. and then of course, there's the songs from that red hymnal that all baptists, black and white, seem to use (i'd love to have one of those for myself)

-holy holy holy
-he lives
-he will remember me (my granny LOVES this song)

(if somebody out there knows that im talkin bout, say amen)

there are also songs that seem to be common among christians period, beatiful songs written way back when by white folks that have lasted through times. the names of those escape me. but what would separate one of those songs sung in a christian church from the way its sung in a catholic church is the mood, the tone, the energy level.

catholic music is boring, yo.
i mean, they were pretty, but they were so serious, so somber. so restrained. i cant get with that, man--church is supposed to be joyful, to me.. spirited, thankful. energetic. when its so serious, it seems like the focus isnt on the joy and love and freedom that came because of the suffering and sacrifice the bible says that jesus made, but rather on the suffering and sacrifice itself.

in the middle of the church was a huge stained glass crucifix accented in gold that would have been beautiful, were it not for the huge rendering of christ bleeding and suffering in the middle of it.

man.
talk about morbid.
how can u focus on the joy that came after with the ominous reminder of pain and human wickedness looming above ur head, bleeding invisibly on the world below?

i couldnt get with that.
i think that's what spirited praise and worship helps us do, focus more on the goodness. without that freedom to shout when u want, or cry when u want, or clap along with the song when you want, it seems like it would make the whole thing--religion, god, all that--heavy and serious. i dont think it has to be or should be. so in that respect, i sort of see what the lady who left that respective denomination felt when she did so.

and they did this call and response thing that like only catholics know about--that felt sort of exclusionary. not that im pointing fingers or judging or whatever. there are certain practices that go on in each church that u know about and learn about by going to that church. but there was lots of that at precious blood. the priest would say a phrase and wait for the congregation to give the proper response, which they did in the most depressing, sad tones ive ever heard. so lifeless. and so scripted--that felt unnatural to me.

it was defintely interesting, though.

so anyway, congrats joseph. hope married life is good to ya.

ive forgotten everything else i wanna talk about. i didnt mean to spend so much time on the weddin and my day as a catholic, but i toldja i feel chit chatty.

my mama finally admitted that the reason she's been so hands-off about me and my collegiate decision because she doesnt want her baby moving away. it was sad, but it felt a little liberating to hear, too. hopefully now we can start working past that.

ive finally decided what im gonna do, too. i was tired of being cautious and running out of time and not knowing where im gonna be living in two months, so i put my foot down and finally decided on temple.

so im movin to philly in august.

and im scared shitless
but excited as hell

the hardest part will be sayin bye to my mama. ive been prayin for the strength to get through that. for years, actually--ive always known this day would come.

it feels good having finally made a decision. i have a lot of preparing to do, probably more mentally than physically. ive found an apartment; i'll soon be sending in my application and hopefully they'll let me in. i got the money for it, so i dont see why they wouldnt. i can only stay there for like one semester though--its waaaay expensive. but it includes all utilities, free cable, free internet (T1, niggas!), on site laundry and fitness facilities (clean draws AND my old figure back--holla!) AND a free shuttle to and from school. i figure all that will help me get acclamated to the city, and by the time my 5 months is over, hopefully ill be comfortable enough with the city and getting around and stuff that i'll be able to find a more cost efficient place.

im gonna get myself a new laptop soon, too.

so. im officially leaving home.
terrifying. i can't wait.

ummm... what else.
i played the lottery for the first time yesterday. 230 mil up for grabs. somebody in idaho won it.

sumbitch.

remember my brother's first baby mama who wrote the black romance novel and is trying to get it published?
she found an editor. they liked it. now they're shopping it around, trying to find a buyer.

as such, i have recently decided to become a smut writer. no joke. im gonna do it under a pen name so that no one ever knows. i think i can do it and get paid like Zane, too, for two reasons.

#1 - the baby mama did it.

#2 - .....i was okayerotica at okayplayer.
*hangs head*
lmao!

i was yo. cept i outed it cause i cant multitask (the reason that i dont have an alias) and some ppl saw, so without the anonymity factor, there's no pt in having it. im gonna confess it soon cause somebody's tryna blackmail me w/ the info. whatever, it aint that seirous.

but yeah man. im seriously writing a book proposal. i need some money.

i really need to get up from here and clean my room. ive put my self on punishment til i clean it, so if i wanna go out to play this weekend, i gotta get on it.

hov!

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