ya mama got jell-o feet w/ fruit in the toes.

12.29.2005

sex.

alternately titled "Darling Tracy."

if u dont wanna know me like that
stop reading right now

tonite im finna type like nobody reads this but me.

ill give u time to exit.

...........

.........

.......

....

..

.

aight.

-----------------------

i skipped a few days w/ my BC this week, so i had to double up today. i'm pinning that as the reason why my hormones are doing sommersaults in my womb right now.

its been hard to concentrate all day.
i been talkin to cats i aint never been attracted to like
'hmm... i wonder..'

its bad.

and i likely wont be gettin any for awhile. i guess i could but those lil things ppl call morals or standards or whatever are standin in the way. either that or stubbornness. at any rate

ive discovered that songs that are typically only sensual or erotic when u listen to them are flat out fucking sexy when u listen to them horny. MOTHERfucking sexy, even. not just fucking sexy. on my ipod today (yes! got my ipod workin, hoes!) ive been wearin the ass out of the sexy stuff.

'trust' - meshell ndegeocello
damn near any slow joint by the isley brothers
'go' - common <- THIS joint. man. and even 'play' - david banner i mean can we talk about 'play' for a minute please? Cum girl, I'm tryna get your pussy wet
Work that clit
Cum girl

...

Finger fuck your pussy like you want some, girl

...

Uh, I wanna see your legs shake
Take you to the crib, we can fuck til the bed break
Uh, fuck you til your pussy ache
Think about the type right now, girl, mastur
(Uh uh) Beg for a nigga

...

Lemme work ya slow, lemme see it going in
Then you pull it out, put your fingers in your mouth

...
...and so forth.

yeah. this works for me.
this works for me because i love language
i love words
which means when it comes to sex, i love dirty ones
and to say such words to your lover, u have to be totally comfortable with them
completely unafraid
uninhibited

emotionally speaking, that's kinda dope

this also works for me because i love
*love*
being told what to do.

i think i play both the dominant and submissive roles fairly well. but i thought about it today, and i decided that if i absolutely had to choose, HAD to choose--mind u, i prefer an even balance of both--but if i *had* to choose, i'd go for the submissive role. psychologically speaking, this is likely because deep down, i'd rather take a backseat than lead. iont think im the strongest leader in the world. in addition to that, i take orders pretty freakin well. like, at work or when doing and assignment for school, im much more comfortable with a mundane task, somethin clearly cut out. i think that's because it's the surest way to please. if u do exactly what is asked of you, you can't go wrong.

the #1 thing i want to do when shit gets steamy is please. it's cliche, but if he's satisfied, im satisfied off top, by proxy. i dont even have to be touched. im happy.

and like the sexiest thing in the world is knowing that ive made the person i love happy, so im very, very eager to please.

and what's more than that
i like being taken care of. it's thrilling and beautiful to me to be completely in somebody's hand, completely under someone else's watch, to have someone you love charged with your care and wellbeing. well.. i suppose this only works if you're absolutely and completely sure (sorry for being too lazy to think of another word for 'completely') that this person is going to take care of you, which i am. or have been in such a situation. but like, with that in mind, being pinned down to a mattress with a stronger person laying over you

or being on your knees before them, one of the most vulnerable positions there are

or having their hands gingerly around your neck

if u can be in those positions and not be afraid..
hell yeah. it's an amazing feeling. a very safe and secure one.

and it's just sexy. *shrug*

so combine the taking orders with the dirty talk, and you've got a fucking party of a song my friend. like

in the bed, on ur back

touch it

a hand strokes ur neck, fingers play about the collar bone

rub it
faster

hand moves up ur neck swiftly, fingers tighten at ur jawbone & force ur face gently to the side, exposing ur ear to to the lips whispering to u

put some pressure on it
go faster
yeah, like that
u like that?

u cant answer for the heavy breathing & moans snaking out from between ur lips

i said do u like that?
yeah, u like that, huh bitch?

word. im all about some namecallin in the heat of the moment. toldja, im a language whore. and too, it's sort of a shock to hear things like that come out of the mouth of someone who would never in a million years get so harsh with you. its almost like being with a different person alltogether. sexy. and here, part of 'play' that i think is particularly sexy-

cum, girl
cum for daddy

!!!!!
...yeah. that works for me too. maybe i have some daddy issues, iono. i dont think so tho. i think its just icing on the submission cake. ..or something.

mmm..
good girl.

that right there.. "good girl." two words that absolutely send shivers throughout every nerve inside my body. this goes right along with the being eager to please thing.. when i hear that, i know ive done what ive been told. well. and when ive done a good job of what ive been told to do, i know my subject is happy and satisfied with me.

and when they happy
im happy.

yes lawd.

maybe im corny w/ all this. i mean this is all pretty stereotypical stuff, i suppose.
know what else is pretty cliche? music & sex.

but i love that shit too tho.

there are certain songs that trigger the most delicious memories for me. u know that tingly feeling u get in the pit of ur stomach and the sort of flash of a cold sweat that happens when u hear something or think of something that gets ur heart racing? there are songs that i've attached to certain memories that do that for me

'you move me' - cassandra wilson
'take u high' - glen lewis
'in a sentimental mood' - coltrane
'not like crazy' - jill scott

i hear any one of these songs and i remember a bedroom in a building on the coast of myrtle beach, south carolina, darkened mostly, lit only by the blue light on the digital cable box, waves crashing outside, and him laying atop of me, head on my stomach, i believe, just laying there. just laying. i dont think we were naked. just laying. i love the way his skin smells. i dont know if it's a lotion he uses, or just his general scent; whatever it is is enough to make me clench my thighs and check my seat when i stand up.

anyway

we just laid there and i wanted him but i didnt wanna make the first move that night. iono why. i guess cause it was kinda dope just laying so closely together and talking about random things and commenting on the music. the cd i'd made for us was almost over. we were both falling asleep. i'd given up on any action when he kissed my stomach

and then my naval

and
it was a GREAT night.

those songs make me relive it every time i hear them.

the room we'd rented for the week had digital cable. there were two 'adult' channels, but they were both locked. the unlock key was a 4 or 5 number combination. we tried all the obvious stuff. didnt work. then i was like hey.. try all zeroes?

bam. it worked.

so
we spent the week eating french toast during the day and watching some annoying girl hosting a call-in show masturbate and fake orgasms at night. lol

we also had little fashion shows here and there come night fall; before the trip i ordered some lingerie. i *love* lingerie. it makes me feel really sexy, and truthfully, i dont think i look too bad in it. to get all the way truthful--im real modest and i blush easily, so i rarely talk like this--but for real? i think i got a pretty nice body. with the plunge my self-esteem has taken, it's hard for me to see or remember that recently, but for some reason my head is clear enough and im horny enough to say so. i got some pretty nice digs, considering; ive seen some girls around my age who REALLY arent.. they kinda.. yeah. im lucky. my stomach could stand to flatten out some, but all the women in my family have hourglass figures. i sorta have one too, it's not as discernable b/c im so short, but it's there. at last take, my measurements were 34B-28-39.5. not too bad.

so anyway
i bought some lingerie for the trip. i bought a seethru lace bodysuit that my thighs and ass BARELY fit into--we ended up just ripping it off, if i remember correctly; and i bought a sheer bustier, all held together by a silver heart just below my breasts in the center. came with garters and a matching g-string. i had somethin else too but i dont remember what it was.

i looked alright. i fixed my hair up stripper style, lol.. it was kinda like playin dressup.

i want to buy some more. i will soon.

so yeah. those songs remind me of that trip, and that trip reminds me of closeness.

closeness & sex.

sometimes i understand what it's like, why girls sometimes sleep around after being hurt. i think they just want to be held and touched and paid that sort of intimate attention to. ive done it before. not slept around, of course, but inside my relationship; there have been times when i just needed to be close to him, as close as humanly possible. you can get much closer than skin on skin, than man on top of woman or woman on top of man; in that position its easy to lock eyes, to hold hands. and u can't get closer than actually having the person u want that closeness with inside you. it's always the deep thrust that gets me, the thrust and hold, in as deep as possible. that gives me chills because it feels good, and because u want to take him as far inside me as possible; not as far inside my pussy, but as far inside me as possible. inside *me.* into my person and who i am, all that quasi-poetic shit.

sometimes that's all i want.
and sometimes that's the easiest way to get it.

i can see girls taking that route to get to the touching, the intimacy
the emotion

that's something im not able to do just yet. separate heavy, intimate, loving emotion from sex. i cant sleep around. i cant do one night stands. and that sucks because until i can do that, i cant have that threesome or 4some or visit that sex club like i been wanting to do.

i think im okay with that right now though. the love supplies the passion that makes sex so fulfilling for me. that that's alright.

ive run out of steam. i think this helped. im not quite as horny.

im a little nervous about posting this though, lol
im usually not up for showin this side of myself to ppl but u know what

im 23
and i have sex
and i think ppl know that
and most importantly, only a handful of ppl that i come into semi-regular contact with will potentially read this anyway.

and its not like i'll ever open up like this again to people im not fucking.

first and last time, bitches. this was/is an experiment in how well i can deal with bein put out there like this.

hope it was good for u too.

*reaches for candy cigarette*


2 comments
|~| trace 12/29/2005 01:15:00 AM
Comments:
*British accent*

My word!

*pretends he didn't read that*
 
*knockin on your monitor from this side*

excuuuuuuuuuuuse me miss... u need to direct all yr buckwild literary prose to the bliss project post haste. please? thanks.
 
Post a Comment
Hit Counter
Free Counter