ya mama got jell-o feet w/ fruit in the toes.

fare thee well, 2006.

u have been a motherfucker to me. undoubtedly the worst year of my life, for several reasons detailed here both explicitly and crypticly (sp?), both in published and published blawg entries. fuck u to death. im glad ur gone.

but cliche as it sounds, i feel a billion times smarter now than i was this time last year, stronger too. most definitely; i was a weak idiot little girl last year. ive been through enough since then to officially consider myself a woman, which is a laudable thing. so in that, 2006 has also managed to be the most important yr ive experienced as well.

but 06 definitely was not sweet. and believe me, i tried to make it so. i doctored vinegar the whole length of that year just certain that if i tried hard enough and waited hard enough that shit wld turn into the sweetest wine ever made. now i know better.

im not making any new yr's resolutions. im just gonna change things to make sure that i never have a year like 2006 again.

the right thing to do is never easy. ever.
that being said, im gonna work on preparing myself to make some very hard decisions that i hope i won't have to make.

but if i have to, i will. im 24 & the earth's rotation isnt slowing any time soon. im alive, but i aint livin; im too caught up on what i want rather than what i need & i gotta get things moving. i dont wanna wake up one morning and find that im 56 yrs old with nothing to show for it.

i got a lotta work to do on me. that's the thing: i really need to concentrate on me. this whole year, in spite of myself & in spite of knowing better, ive been concentrating on making things easier for the ppl around me; ive been waiting on things when i knew i shldnt have been. someone let me go so that he cld go for his; it hurt, but i understand now. the right road to take is never the smoothest one.

so, im looking at my feelings first now. im looking at what will be best for me.
im gonna experiment with treating ppl the way they treat me instead of treating them the way i want to be treated and hoping that it happens;
that takes a lot of energy, and i dont have a lot of that anymore. gotta build some more up.

but in the course of that, i want to stay as close to my friends as i am, particularly my best friend. i dont want to lose anything there; we've been through so much and have invested so much time in it, itd be a shame to see it all fall apart. i know that ive done my part plus some to see that it doesnt happen. and ill keep trying, but i also need to realize that im not superwoman. i cant save the world or control everything in it.

im gonna start volunteering. in spite of all my bitching, ive been really blessed, and i want to give back.

im gonna spend less time on the internet & on the computer. i want to be too busy for it.

and god help me, i am going to get in shape. i need to feel healthier, point blank period. after watching my granny deteriorate, im obsessed with it lately; take care of urself now so that u dont have to go thru that shit later. im also stressing that my family and friends do the same thing; i want us all here on this earth for as long as possible. i dont want to have to watch this happen to anybody else i love.

and im gonna keep letting my guard down. or trying to, anyway. i need closer friends. im pleased and impressed with the progress ive made so far. its a slow process, and it makes me nervous sometimes for a lot of reasons, but i will persist. these are the reasons i usually stay so guarded anyway... gotta get outta that. my life is lonely as fuck, man, and i dont wanna be lonely anymore. but ive been doing it to myself. gotta change that.

and im going to write. im going to write. im going to write.
im going to start a project and finish it. im going to get serious abt what i want to do, and what i want to do is write.
ive never been able to call myself a writer. i always say 'i want to write,' or 'i like to write' or 'im a pretend writer' or 'im trying to be a writer.'

fuck that

im a writer

and a good one

i just need to steel myself and put my talents to work so that they can begin to work for me. im gonna do that.

if the things in my life that bring me so much grief and anxiety and stress continue, its my own fault.
just like india says, 'u'll only have yourself to blame if u continue to live this way.' damn right. its all on me now.

im afraid, but im optimistic.
god willing, ima kick life in its ass & then make it shine my shoes.

hello, 2007. we're gonna get along famously.

i hope u'll be as friendly with my peoples, too.
:)

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